Critical Analysis #2 |
I Shall Never Be a Poet....final free verse foray |
Balladeer
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I shall never be a poet. I read you this morning, Sylvia. I laid you before me and saw how one line “and I said I do, I do” could rock my world send chills through my body and I knew in that moment I shall never be a poet. my mayonnaised melodies do not provide that pungent taste which causes eyes to water in mid-bite morsels to stick in the throat choking the reader in ways that only a true poet can do. no Jewish blood Boils with holocaustic outrage To spill out on my page no black voice rises in protest to racial injustices I do not rage against the fading of the light nor do I know how the caged bird feels. My skin does not wish for the feel of the blade Nor do manic impulses invade my sleep In Lilliputian stealth. The madness that creates greatness The cause that creates rebellious pens To lash out in unsheathed fury Against injustices Are absent in me. I shall never be a poet. Not like you, Sylvia Nor you, Langston Not you, Maya I shall storytell entertain be a wooded glen where children swing on my branches adults spread out blankets to picnic surrounded by mountains staring down with disdain |
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© Copyright 2008 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved | |||
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
This is so not you. |
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Balladeer
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Should I take that as a compliment or criticism, Tom? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
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I'll wait for Sir Brad's comment. I so love his straight forward talking. You, my dear sir, with such respect I'd better keep quite. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Mike, I think you have described exactly why most of us will never be poets. On the other hand, I also think you have done so quite poetically. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Balladeer, Though apparently the people at this web site didn't think the poem was titled, it is. That would be, "This Poem Is Not For You," http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/donaldjustice/382 He edited The Collected Poems of Weldon Kees, of whom we have spoken; and was quite taken by Kees' experimental disappearances before his car was found abandoned at the approach to the Golden Gate Bridge. The theme of giving but not quite giving fascinated him. You've still got to figure out what's good free verse and what isn't and why. Do you think this one works? Cheerfully yours, Bob |
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Balladeer
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Does it work, Bob? It works for me. I posted it here to see if it works for anyone else or, if not, why not - that's what CA is about, I've been told. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
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A man of handsome sort rolled out of bed He ran toward the beach to catch his dream In which he saw so many shooting stars In synchronizing scratching bright neat lines A dawn of blue, a moon pierced on pink tongue A flaring sheet of silk waved smiles At bursting bubbles of the boy’s sweet dream Of swimming around in scavenger hunt A morning mist came, thick and solid wet The clock at home was cuckooing high tide Today the fairest creature got swallowed In deep colored thought and spilled right back The sorrow man has lost dream catcher bat In tears he begged, “may I have your Sun net?” No, mine is brand new. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Balladeer, this piece doesn’t quite work for me as is --- but it does have charm and potential. Here’s a quick run through… I shall never be a poet. (I’d delete this for more dramatic intro on L7) I read you this morning, Sylvia. (I’m curious who “Sylvia” is? If Plath, then I would use last name ) I laid you before me and saw how one line (should “book” somehow be in this line?) “and I said I do, I do” (this seems to infer marriage, is that intended?) could rock my world (“rock my work” seems a tad on the AC/DC side) send chills through my body (this is far too cliché) and I knew in that moment I shall never be a poet. my mayonnaised melodies (the alliteration here is a bit much to me) do not provide that pungent taste which causes eyes to water in mid-bite morsels to stick in the throat choking the reader in ways that only a true poet can do. (this stanza is the most compelling “free verse” IMO) no Jewish blood Boils with holocaustic outrage To spill out on my page (I’d consider dropping this line) no black voice rises in protest to racial injustices I do not rage against the fading of the light nor do I know how the caged bird feels. (there are some good ideas here but the images are a bit canned IMO) My skin does not wish for the feel of the blade (“wish” is too soft here and what kind of “blade?”) Nor do manic impulses invade my sleep In Lilliputian stealth. (this line seems unnecessary and adds nothing to the flow IMO) The madness that creates greatness (this tends to go into abstraction) The cause that creates rebellious pens (“the” is getting in too much) To lash out in unsheathed fury (“unsheathed” sounds quite dated) Against injustices Are absent in me. (the cap lines seem as if a different style suddenly took over? Overall this stanza washes out when compared to what precedes ) I shall never be a poet. (not sure the repetition adds anything) Not like you, Sylvia Nor you, Langston Not you, Maya (these references eluded me, adding to a sense of abstraction and removal from the involvement --- post research I get it.   I shall storytell (story tell?) entertain (sounds like marginalization to me) where children swing on my branches (this image seems very stock) adults spread out blankets to picnic (as above) surrounded by mountains (as above) staring down with disdain (I like the ending but would consider cutting the last line break) Overall (believe it or not) I liked it. It’s a pretty big attempt IMO and could take a LOT of very concentrated effort to expose the diamond within. Thanks for the read. |
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Balladeer
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I shall never be a poet. (I’d delete this for more dramatic intro on L7) I agree. The poem would start well without it. I read you this morning, Sylvia. (I’m curious who “Sylvia” is? If Plath, then I would use last name ) No, I prefer to leave it Sylvia. I think readers get some satisfaction out of piecing things together, This line, combined with the line that follows, will allow them to come up with the right reference. I laid you before me and saw how one line (should “book” somehow be in this line?) No, because I am referring to one specific line. “and I said I do, I do” (this seems to infer marriage, is that intended?) Yes, it is. That's what the line is about, and the way she used this line is what was so impressive to me. The poem is Daddy, by the way, if you care to see what I mean. could rock my world (“rock my work” seems a tad on the AC/DC side) Could be I'm sure I can come up with something else, although I liked it a bit. send chills through my body (this is far too cliché) No argument there...I agree. my mayonnaised melodies (the alliteration here is a bit much to me) Sorry...that was my favorite line I love the way those two words melt together and 'mayonnaised' is the perfect descriptive word for what I am trying to say. To spill out on my page (I’d consider dropping this line) Consider it considered. I can see where it is unnecessary. (there are some good ideas here but the images are a bit canned IMO) The images are all direct references to the poets I am referring to. The protest against racial injustices refers to Langston Hughes. The fading of the light refers to Bob Dylan. The caged bird refers to Maya Angelou. I actually though it clever to work them in this way. Sorry if it didn;t work for you. (“wish” is too soft here and what kind of “blade?”) Wish is used to go along with shall, that same kind of resigned dialogue I am trying to use.The blade refers to Sylvia Plath's suicide attempts. In Lilliputian stealth. (this line seems unnecessary and adds nothing to the flow IMO) I agree wholeheartedly. I know what I was trying to say but this line doesn't say it well. Thank you. The madness that creates greatness (this tends to go into abstraction) The cause that creates rebellious pens (“the” is getting in too much) Many great poets and artists bordered on mad, which added a genius to their work. Many other works were written with "rebellious" pens, those who were writing against injustices and for causes. Many great poems were written by these frames of mind. I, myself, can say that my best poems were written during my most troubled times. Complacency does not create superior work, imo. I agree about the "the"'s. I could begin the line with "causes". (the cap lines seem as if a different style suddenly took over? Overall this stanza washes out when compared to what precedes ) I agree again. The caps are out of place here. (these references eluded me, adding to a sense of abstraction and removal from the involvement --- post research I get it. Hopefully, readers will know who I am referring to...that's what i was counting on, anyway. I shall storytell (story tell?) Yep, it needs to be two words. Interesting that storyteller can be one word but not storytell. entertain (sounds like marginalization to me) where children swing on my branches (this image seems very stock) adults spread out blankets to picnic (as above) surrounded by mountains (as above) staring down with disdain (I like the ending but would consider cutting the last line break) You left out a line..."be a wooded glen". Rhyming poems are normally for entertainment.They are friendly. People can feel comfortable with them. There is not a lot of "What did he say?", which much of free verse induces. I was trying to paint a picture of a friendly (rhyming) scenario - in this case a wooded glen - in contrast to the mountains staring down in disdain....the mountains being the free verse "masters" who look down on rhyming poets. I had hoped to create a complete composite picture of this contrast. If it didn't work for you then I fell short of my intended goal. My sincere thanks, RCat, for your time and suggestions. I appreciate it very much. |
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Sunshine
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Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Well, as a person who enjoys free verse, I most certainly hope this won't be your last. I was particularly fond of entertain be a wooded glen where children swing on my branches adults spread out blankets to picnic surrounded by mountains staring down with disdain and even though I'm not sure why the mountains should look down with disdain, I did enjoy the feel of hopefulness that children will still swing, and adults should still picnic... You took on a powerful character in the use of Sylvia [Plath] but I get the feeling that some poets may believe only the people on the fringe or in the middle of madness are allowed to write free verse. Is it because those who do not indulge in FV believe that a person's lunacy keeps them from being structured and following formatted poetry? Or am I walking a really fine line here when I make an attempt to try write more than free verse? |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
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I agree Balladeer you have a nice coherent “story” going on --- touching on three highly respected poets. IMO one of the exciting possibilities here is to incorporate a line or at least a fragment from each poet --- as an inflection of their persona. My personal preference would be to refresh the language and imagery --- even if you have to complicate the story a bit in order to do so. |
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Balladeer
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I get the feeling that some poets may believe only the people on the fringe or in the middle of madness are allowed to write free verse. Is it because those who do not indulge in FV believe that a person's lunacy keeps them from being structured and following formatted poetry? Wow, Sunshine! Not even the Elastic Man can stretch that far! How you managed to come up with those thoughts out of those words is baffling (although I always appreciate your views). Writing free verse has nothing to do with lunacy nor does a twisted mind keep one from writing structured poetry. My point was that free verse is much more suited to extremely powerful expression of thought, especially by those who champion a cause or live "on the edge". Show me a great protest poem against racial injustice, war or a variety of other "hot" topics and, more than likely, it will be free verse. Rhyme does not have the punch. Dylan's "Do Not Go Gently..." comes closest with his protest to his father not to give up and die. The point I am making in this poem is that I have none of those causes or conditions to write that type of poetry and so I write to entertain, not soapbox. This has nothing to do with only insane people not being able to write structured forms (excluding Brad, of course ) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mike: I really like this. Most of my nits are pretty minor stuff (I would prefer to see "will" instead of "shall" because "will" seems more subtle to my ear and "rock my world" comes off as a bit cliché). Interestingly, I scanned the poem like this: quote: I think a strong case can be made that your poem is basically iambic. Sure, you vary the syllable count, but many of your subsititutions would be acceptable to all but the most conservative writers of verse. Hmmm ... I wonder if there is something to that? I liked the approach, I agree with RCat's comments regarding the inconsistent capitalization and the "chills" line. Overall, I liked the poem very much. Thanks, Mike. Jim |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
I like jazz a lot --- and its structure is more akin to “free verse” IMO than traditional sonnets etc. Edgar Allen Poe was pretty freaking insane, so was Blake (mushrooms?) in his own marriage of heaven and hell. The one poet who “rocked my world” (cigarette lighter burning) was Cummings. I feel in love with his fragments and juxtaposed images that “blow the mind open” onto new possibilities and inflections. I prefer “free verse” because I prefer minimal rules and structure --- which to me promotes wild and free-range creativity. Insanity? It’s the sane who are the real problem! |
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Balladeer
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Jim, what can I say? Even my free verse comes out iambic! Guess that's who I am...thanks much for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Not exactly what I meant, Mike. Have you ever tried to scan some of the free-verse poets you like? If not, try it and let me know what you find. Jim |
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Balladeer
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Rcat....Poe is a great example. So is Plath. So is Van Gogh. So are many of the top movie stars. Screwed up personal lives have been known to create masterpieces. The part that makes them nut cases is also the part that brings out genius in their work sometimes. I prefer “free verse” because I prefer minimal rules and structure --- which to me promotes wild and free-range creativity. That's a good reason, sir, and is one of the reasons why I hold a great admiration for those who can do it well. Tnanks again for your help and for pointing out the cliches, which now make me grate my teeth! Remember..reality is for people who can't face insanity |
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Balladeer
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Jim, can you be more specific about scanning and what I am looking for? |
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jbouder Member Elite
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Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sure. Check to see if there is a tendency in the free-verse you like to follow a regular, iambic rhythm. "A Brave and Startling Truth" by Angelou and "Among the Narcissi" by Plath are two examples, I think, of such free-verse. More often than not, I don't believe free-verse is the absence of structure, but more accurately the molding of structure to suit the poet's purpose. Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Those roses shine brighter in vase of Victoria fine She profiles love in such soft, smooth curved scent No, madam, I want that Re-Prism with measured line This colored romance is like long brewed wine Dew freshly kissed petals fan heaven’s vent Those rose shine brighter in vase of Victoria fine How loyal those young jades guard their lover’s shrine How cute the little Meres peek through the spring tent No, madam, I want that Re-Prism with measured line How elegant and graceful a manner in such a natural design Silently they whisper out angelic muse in accent Those roses shine brighter in vase of Victoria fine How stretched vine of flowers and ears entwine How lattice and laces amiably roundly bent No, madam, I want that Re-Prism with measured line A heart sings dearer when beloved voice joins to refine An art smiles clearer when hues in full scale intent Those roses shine brighter in vase in Victoria fine No, madam, I want that Re-Prism with measured line Re-Prism=rectangular prism |
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Balladeer
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Aha,...I see, Jim. You believe then that the poets do work basic structures into their pieces on purpose for a desired effect. Interesting...I'll check it out with poems I like and with poems I do not care for but are acclaimed to be excellent pieces. Should be interesting....thank you. My point, though, rather than absence of structure, is the absence of understanding by the common man, which I consider important. TomMark....and the point of the villanelle is.....? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
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I try to learn formed poem (together with free verse) and you may just learn a little free verse. see how hard I try to learn from you and other formed writers?!! To be honest, you always have a very bright spirit jumping in your poem. But i feel none in this one. Can't let free verse beat you down It read as a list...don't be mad at me!!! If you really want to emphasis the the best way to let emotion out shall be the formed one your previous Free verse was done well to express your frustration. It worked. But this time, it did not. It did not talked about the free verse but rather you put it as a cutting line as poet or none poet for that many formed one could have given better cutting point. It is not the form but the way one felt comfortable to let emotion and thought out. I do feel that my original feelings has lost when I kept counting the syllables and read repeatedly to make the stress right...it may be just my own problem. The poem: a man with beautiful roses wanted to buy a vase. he firmly believed that the rectangular prism shape was the best shape for his roses (muse). when you centered the free verse, it looks like a vase some time. [This message has been edited by TomMark (02-23-2008 04:33 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mike, I'm just saying that I believe it ends up in there. "Working basic structures into their pieces on purpose" might be putting it a little strongly. Paying attention to the effects of sound and rhythm in a line are likely to have on a reader is closer to what I'm getting at. And I think the common man is a social construction. Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
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quote: Absolutely agree. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Meter structure and such… I gravitate towards “relative speech patterns,” which as in “real life” (whatever THAT may be) can change abruptly --- and thus express color tone and texture on their own. Again, in my quite limited way of understanding, Cummings’ was a master of this --- along with format and twisted syntax and lots of improv that explored terrain “convention” cannot. IMO if one is patterned to write in meter --- the meter can become unruly like an incessant drum beat in the background --- always overlaying its personality, which in turn can mute expression possibilities that live outside the drums reaches. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I liked the poem, hated the centred formatting though. I particularly liked the fact that it was presented as a personal outpouring to distant but respected Poets. Sylvia instead of Plath emphasises that feeling though I think the poem itself it runs away at times losing some focus. I’d suggest tightening it up a little - be a little less descriptive - believe it or not the reader will get more out of it, or as you put it: quote: They do, and they are very very good at it, all readers have an in-built ability to read between the lines all you have to do is point them in the right direction and their imagination will fill in the blanks. As well as some tightening I’d re-jig the start so you’re not giving too much away, create a little interest to tempt the reader - something like this (only better than my inept attempt). I read you this morning Sylvia. naked before me; saw how one short line could rock my world: and I said I do, I do. EDIT. Sorry Deer but I was doodling in the opposite direction while writing my reply and couldn't resist adding the result: This may sound kinda silly, Though I swear to god it’s true, I don’t think I could really Write a poem quite like you. I just ain’t got no rhythm see My de’s and dum’s don’t float, You can’t sail a poetic sea While you’re bailing out your boat I may get half the meter And a rhyme or two at best, But there’s nothing that is surer Than I’d up cock all the rest! I’m thinking of calling it - The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner - whatcha think? [This message has been edited by Grinch (02-23-2008 08:05 PM).] |
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Balladeer
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IMO if one is patterned to write in meter --- the meter can become unruly like an incessant drum beat in the background --- always overlaying its personality, which in turn can mute expression possibilities that live outside the drums reaches. True enough, RCat.One must always make sure that the meter does not overpower the words or message. Good structure or meter should be like the tires on your car. They get you to your destination smoothly and safely without having you once think about them. |
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Balladeer
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Grinch...I like it! Ancient Mariner is good or else The Raving or Charge of the Light Tirade. Thanks for the suggestions.... |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Freelance is like a poet on steroids . Free~ without a commitment to anyone or anything . When it is done right , like The Gettysburg Address, it is music . Balladeer, you should take this as a compliment, I did enjoy your freelance. Btw, you will not have to testify here are before any congressional committee now or ever. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Mike: How can a post on free verse be final? The confusions and pro/cons seem to go on forever in these pages. It may be helpful to remember that "free verse" is a specific reference to the "vers libre" of Rimbaud and LaForgue who sought to "free" themselves from the strictures of the specific requirements of the Alexandrine line. Clopped onto Anglo/American contemporary poetry as an after-thought, the term has become, or was perhaps initially when clopped, completely misused to include almost anything which doesn't readily scan. Not that the critical (or academic) ability to scan has anything to do with the nature of the poem being fried in the sun under a magnifying glass (sorry, jboulder ) I don't think Anglo/American "vers libre" reprsents an attempt to free one's self from the strictures of Alexander Pope, whose use of the heroic line was, ah, roundly ignored by subsequent poem-crafters. In a-typical, or non-historical forms, we look at an evolution of poetic moeurs. It has nothing to do with "hippiness," beatniks, or incomprehensibility, which are smackdowns of the semi-literate. Grinch: That one per cent of "free verse" appeals to a reader is a validation of the form. That one per cent of anything other than ephemera and tripe persists at all is PDF (Pretty Darned Factually, if you will)amazing. "Free verse" in the Anglo/American sense, is VERSE first. I find it difficult to believe that in over 100 years of work in the Anglo/American take on "vers libre," practioners from Whitman on down were kidding around. Free "verse" is entirely different from typographical experimentation, willful obfuscation, or incomprehensibility. And it ain't easy. Maybe we need some new terms for some of the work called "free verse." "Pointless Doodling" comes to mind, along with Inept, Dashed Off, and Experimental Verse. Not knocking any of these. Expression is expression. Jboulder: As vers libre relates to music, what does one make of the difference between Stravinsky, Gorecki (thank you Jennifer Maxwell) and John Cage? It is not all of a piece. Sometimes I just want to grind my teeth. Grinding away, Jimbeaux |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
RCat: Cummings was/is a romantic poet in the romantic tradition. He rhymes a lot, too. Free pontification, Jimbeaux |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Romantic in the post-modern sense perhaps, but Cummings was into "radical free verse" in many waves... Staunch individualist and closet Buddhist under the guise of “libertarian Christian!” |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
...is this "free verse?" Roses are red, violets are blue, Remembrance is vastly over-rated! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good to see you back Jim. |
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Marsha
since 2000-07-10
Posts 7423Maidstone Kent England |
Dearest darling 'Deer Just sometimes I wonder why I continue to write and then I read something you've written and realize that I want so much to write even half as well as you do. (For those who wonder what my qualifications are to respond in critique please read on) I have just finished my first year at University doing creative writing. Last year I also, finished a degree in Humanities, which included critique of poetry. Sylvia Plath, Basho,(the dreaded hate ku) among them I’ve averaged around 85%. However I’m never happy, that still leaves 15% that is possible doesn’t it? I digress, as usual, the point is that I’ve been learning to critically assess poetry, about what works and what does not. Free verse has an internal structure that literally breathes with the poets' breath. It works, or doesn't not because one word more or less is right or wrong but because the reader touches the essence of the poet. No one can doubt that when You, darling man, write, the words reverberate with your life-force, they sing with your rhythm. They speak, in accents either loud or soft, but they speak with YOUR OWN VOICE. I understand that the contributors to the critique forum are just voicing their opinions, they, as Sartre, was so fond of saying are entitled to do so. However that does not mean that those opinions are either entirely valid or accurate. (I’m also doing a side order of Existentialism,) which is where Sartre comes from. When a poet writes as well and as truly as you do, dearest 'Deer, the poem always works and works well, it works because you understand the mechanics of writing, and knowing the rules you can then play with them. You play with words beautifully as always. That is my five pence worth. Have a good day As always Mushy X x x x x Tomorrow is another day I don't know what it holds |
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