A slight experiment here (interested in whatever impressions)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

A slight experiment here (interested in whatever impressions)

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

0 posted 2008-02-20 04:50 PM

as I write to my left this sneering gorilla sits
mocking demanding pounding its
back and forth my mind
scavenges words
as neurons random fire

like a ghost, the black ape comes in the core of night

[This message has been edited by RCat (02-20-2008 05:33 PM).]

SilhouetteMarquis
Junior Member

since 2008-02-07

Posts 32

1 posted 2008-02-20 08:04 PM

In all honesty, I thought this expressed frustration of one who does not appreciate you writing, but it kind of was, well...gibberish. A good experiment for you to try, but try to stick to your learnings of free verse.

Keep up the good work though. Your other poems were EXCELLENT. This one...Well, experimenting is good...

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

2 posted 2008-02-21 12:07 PM

Thanks for the feedback.

What I'm trying to convey is the brutal entrance of creative impulse (i.e., the gorilla) who commands my attention --- though many times he is unsatisfied with my efforts.

Sorry that didn’t come through --- so obviously the message failed and needs more work.

Oops, gotta go, the gorilla beckons!

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

3 posted 2008-02-21 12:05 PM

here's a revision

as I write to my left this hungry gorilla
demands gallons of creative juice
munching bamboo from my PC jungle

pounding his chest rhythmically
thumping primitive beats in my mind
scavenging words as neurons rapid fire

like a ghost, the black ape comes in the core of night
and leaves with morning his belly unfilled

<<>>

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

4 posted 2008-02-21 02:32 PM

Rcat, your first draft was gibberish, but the revision is good .

How can you improve so much in less twenty-four hours ?

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

5 posted 2008-02-21 02:43 PM

hey thanks chopsticks,

actually (I don't know if this is good or bad) it was about a 30 minute rework.

After getting the feeback and posting my reply --- which actually defined what I was trying to say, it was pretty easy to rework a few words and focus on.

And maybe that's a really good thing --- to have an objective in mind and then build on it from there?

There's still something missing IMO but further revision may not happen for who knows how long!

Thanks for your interest.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.