»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Catalysis
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Catalysis |
|
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
|
On Hills they’ve built their cities and bought their ways and means to raise high walls that guard their bottom lines against the unwanted encroachments when the silent many rise sharp darts in grey suits lift as one to blacken the sky beneath the Lady’s silent watch and dull the sun’s glisten on the old gilded dome while PACs run free through muraled halls with jaws ready to prey on fools who leave the fold – The silent fall, and fall, and fall. I am where speechless indignation falls on deaf ears and hope’s accretions slowly drag it down to the Slough of Despond. I am marked apart but still among the silent many who wish to rise above the pall that shrouds the light of day and warm themselves in peace. Once mere meant more than not enough, its meaning lost like many virtues embossed on chamber walls, forgotten like the silent victims bent by the Burden of Life, the Broken Law. I am the Mere. Among the many – the unmoved – I move, unseen, unknown, un- expected. I am the Mere reluctant mover driven by the opposite of fear to gather the many to rise in force and fire to tear down soaring paper walls, shatter the sharp darts on hardened bronze, then drive the grey suits into the streets to walk among us as Equals. On Hills they built their cities and bought their ways and means to raise high walls that guarded their bottom lines against the unwanted – where walls were never meant to be. I am the Mere who walks among the voices. [This message has been edited by jbouder (12-22-2007 11:08 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Just let you know that I have read three times. I saw a huge ice-berger in Antarctic half melted ocean slowly moving toward me. It was getting closer and closer. I'll read more to see if the picture changes. Beauty, power, strength, and the strong vibration of sound. Beautiful poem. ( I might have just got 10% of the real meaning...the beginning and the end) |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
As far as I can tell, this wasn't what you were shooting for, but I though it might be a way of adding a bit of texture: quote: |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks, Brad. Can't see why there can't be a sequel. Given my extended writer's block, "The Mere" might be my key to finding my way back to the writer's table. TM, glad you enjoyed it. Jim |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Old Jim, I liked your poem very much. I did have to scope out (mere) I wonder how it would work without the special effects ? I also wonder how it would work to fill the blank after the first two ( I am ) with maybe ( infinity ) or maybe (shava) Shava is an Indian word meaning , “ The time between seeing the lighting and hearing the thunder “ Your poem reminded me of a line from the Tom Paxton song “ My pony knows the way home “ : AFTER THEY KILLED THE BUFFALO THEY BUILT THE ZOO. |
||
|
Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I don’t like the layout, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it, I understand the intent - to more closely control the pace and manner of reading - but it always distracts me. Kind of like an actor reading the stage directions as well as his lines. The poem itself I found enjoyable, to me the speaker was taking on the establishment on behalf of a worthy cause or group. A red tape cutter if ever I heard one. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, I hope I was not out of line by mentioning the Tom Paxton song. He writes a lot of folksy protest songs and that is one of my favorite , but I had no right to tout it in your poem. I beg your pardon, |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
chopsticks: Not out of line at all. I assumed by "special effects" you meant the stepped lines. I was on the fence about those as well, so I edited them out. Thanks for your reply. Been a long time since I've written anything and I am admittedly quite rusty. Grinch: I understand your why you don't like formats like these, but you did hit both the intent of the format and my general intent regarding the subject matter on the head. Thanks for reading. TomMark: I've been thinking about your "ice-berger" idea and, the more I think about it, the more I like it. If it had that effect on you, then I think I might have accomplished some part of what I was aiming to do. Thanks again for reading. Jim |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Jim (Bouder) I am waiting for some introduction of your poem, such as background or what inspired you to write this one. I read with a view of Ice-Berger but you certainly wrote about something else. What is it? (how Sir Brad hates this question!) Only if you want to tell.  |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
TM: As Brad said in another post, it is more fun when someone else says it. As far as my inspiration goes, you could say a young boy introduced the catalyst. I appreciate your interest. If nobody else takes a stab at this, I'll gladly email you my interpretation of the poem. Jim |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
 The picture in my mind was like this. And it is really mysterious. I'll wait for a while before I ask you for an email. Thank you Jim. wish you a wonderful weekend. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
 [This message has been edited by TomMark (12-29-2007 12:00 AM).] |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I'll gladly email you my interpretation of the poem.” Jim, until I read the above I did not realize your poem needed interpretation. I thought it was just a well crafted poem. I do not want to give your poem away ; but is one of the phrases in your poem an answer to a question ? If it is, I am sure you’ll know the one I am talking about. Btw, Catalysis was an excellent choice for the title. Hey, this is fun. Take care, PS: You may want to go ahead and send TomToo an e-mail before he shows the Titanic hitting the ice-berger. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (12-29-2007 09:39 AM).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
TM: On some level, I feel like I've met that iceberg a few times too many. Hasn't sunk me yet, but it has left a few dents. Chopsticks: I don't think there is any one phrase that gives the poem away (from my perspective, anyway). When I wrote the poem, I had some specific circumstances in mind and what I have learned from them. I don't want it to seem like there is some hidden meaning in Catalysis ... there isn't. To me, it is simply a creative description of certain events that have had an effect on my life. Jim |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I don't think there is any one phrase that gives the poem away “ Jim, that being said, I thought (I AM ) was God ,you know the answer he gave Moses I thought the first stanza was referring to organized religion So there goes my perfect record . I may throw myself in front of an ice-berger. Take care, |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
somebody say something about this poem. Sir Brad? |
||
|
Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Tom, I think it's about fighting to get a fair deal for those that can't fight for themselves. For more than not enough. I think it's specifically about his son though I could be way off the mark. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you Grinch. I think I have an automatic self-protection of my emotion. I read every line with the warning of "no, don't read into it". If you are right then I will be forever in deny because I will not read it anymore for this poem itself will be a Mere to me. The poem to me is very beautiful. I sensed the strong emotion. But I will be insane to enjoy the beauty while knowing what it was about. I am unable to take everything at a "professional" level. Thank you Grinch again and thank you Jbouder for the poem. have a wonderful New Year and may everything getting all better. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, there have been three different guess’s at the meaning of your poem. I for one don’t think a poem has to have a deep intellectual meaning to be liked. But, in this case I felt a deep meaning for this poem. Maybe you could give us a hint to what the poem is about, that would be good , but if you don’t chose to do that, that would be good too . Jim, have a great year. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Let's see, what I don't like first: 1. I don't like the use of caps here. I think the references are clear enough without them. It also brings unhappy memories of "The Turner Diaries" -- he did that with races and that has always left a bad taste in my mouth. 2. The structure is haphazard. It starts off well and then rapidly falls into the trap of emphasizing lines that seem subbar to me. This may not have happened, but it looks like you had a great start and then just before you completely ran out of gas, tried to nudge the poem to a close. 3. Slough of Despond. For all I know this is a real place but I can't find the use of despond as a noun anywhere else. I think I've talked about the problems of 'concrete noun'+of+'abstraction' somwhere else, but I tend to see it as lazy writing. I don't think it works here. I almost never think it works. Except of course when it does. quote: Great first line. My first reaction was, "Heh, this is gonna be good." My second reaction was a slight hesitation. I also think that this is one of the hardest poems to 'get right'. Overtly political poems so often tend to fall into feeling and the language is just standing there waiting to be seduced into something pleasant to the ear. Still, it's off to a good start. If there's a better metaphor for government than religion, I don't know what it is. TM: "City on the Hill", "Capitol Hill", and "Ways and Means Committee" quote: I'd probably drop 'the' here, but this is deliciously evil or subversive or whatever. The people on top are always more frightened of being done to what in fact they are doing to other people. I still see this as primarily government directed (because I know what you've been doing these last few years), but 'bottom line 'generally refers to business. I don't have a problem with both here (you can always abstract it and say people on top, power brokers or whatever). Still, it seems fairly clear to me that you are referring to the selfish concerns of politicians. quote: Can we hear the power chords, yet? I consider this a slip up. The idea is clear, but it strikes me that this needs more of a description. This goes against the whole idea of many, but do you know the Rockwell painting with 'simple farmer', looking nervous, standing up at a meeting? I think something along those lines would add some depth here. quote: I really liked this part. Release the hounds and makes me think of a 'Disturbed' video that I'm particularly fond of. "Pray" or "Prayer" is the name, I think. quote: TM: post some pictures of the Capitol.  I admit, I don't really get 'silent watch' here. Justice has a blindfold, right? I don't see how Liberty quite fits, but it might. Maybe a little more explication would help? I'm not sure. quote: Great! I wonder if 'fold' is a bit over the top. I don't know, maybe firm? Hell, maybe that's over the top. quote: Nope, doesn't work for me. I think you need a nother quatrain to do this point justice. Something that bridges more smoothly to quote: It's not that these are bad lines, but I don't see the reason to bang me on the head with a gavel. I think this and the above need to be place in a sequence of images. That way they become both more subtle and more powerful at the same time. quote: Nope. Why in the world would speechLESS indignation fall on DEAF ears? We already know that things are 'falling', why do we have to worry about 'hope's accretions'? quote: Already talked about it. I think this is a case where more is, well, more. quote: I think this needs a lot more revision. I see the point of going Biblical style, but I think you can be a little more clever here. I do like the fact that you bring us back to the darts and the many. quote: Great! quote: Caps again. I think you can get more into this though. (The funniest thing here is that nine times out of ten, I want people to strip their poems down. Here, I think you need to make it longer). quote: I like this line, but I still think you should spend more time explaining, or showing rather, what you mean here. You tell us that 'mere' used to mean more but you don't tell us what it used to mean. Fix that! Now, you can tell me, "Don't tell me what to do!" quote: Filler. quote: Wow, this is a huge jump. I really do think you need to spend more time on the early parts before you jump here. Milton would be a great help here (though the connotations would be the reverse of what you're doing perhaps). quote: I liked the ending, I like the repetition here, but I would try to integrate the idea more clearly into the language already being used. I do think you need to end it with one more "I am" moment but 'among the voices' is still too vague to do it justice. Advice: More, more, more, Mere! |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
http://www.abcblocks.com/capitol.htm My dear Sir Brad, anything political you want to read as an assay but a poem of poetic writing?? And are you sure that Jim is busily preparing a photo for the ticket? (I shall have my best wish on this then) and not all hills are capital hill, I kindly remind myself. You might be right but I will wait for Jim's response. Here I let you know that I am always very glad to read your wonderful comment on other people's poems. I learn many things from them. [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-03-2008 07:36 PM).] |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ You might be right but I will wait for Jim's response. “ I agree with you Tom. He may be right. He is very bright. But, if this is a political mission statement, I’ll be disappointed . |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Folks: Not exactly a political mission statement ... politics (or, rather, the legislative process) is the backdrop. My work Brad was alluding to did inspire the poem (writing and advocating for private health insurance legislation to benefit children with autism in Pennsylvania). Once, very soon after my son's diagnosis, a school administrator referred to me as a "mere parent." It's a title I now display proudly ... even as I square off against the insurance industry's lobbyists. Sorry if this disappoints, but it is what it is and I am what I am. As I suspected, the poem requires a little work. Most of the caps I can do away with. The "Lady" refers to "Lady Commonwealth" who caps the dome of the PA State Capitol Building and "The Burden of Life, The Broken Law" refers to this sculpture on one side of the Capitol complex's main entrance: http://www.dcmemorials.com/index_indiv0006502.htm Grinch got the backdrop right, but the main point of my poem didn't seem to shine through (another indication that it needs more work). But it is not about my son specifically. I'll start working on the second draft. Regardless of the flaws, I want to try to salvage some of this. Brad, thanks for the detailed review. Chopsticks and TM, many thanks for your interest in the poem. Sorry for the delay in explaining some of its parts, but I was hoping for some more indepth critique before letting any of what I intended out of the bag. That isn't all of it, but I see now where I need to develop the plot in order to make it more clear. Thanks again. Back to the writer's desk. Jim |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
wonderful!!!!!! |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
chops, "He may be right. He is very bright." Did you notice that my logic is better than Sir Brad? "But, if this is a political mission statement, I’ll be disappointed ." why? I think that this is great both for the poem and the deed. Shall every man have desires to make the world better for children and all? |
||
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Brad, "slough of despond" is a quote from Bunyan. It worked for him. Just didn't know if you caught the reference. Stephen |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yeah, Jim pointed that out to me. I completely missed it. I haven't had time to look up the actual stuff, yet, but I will. Interesting enough, I found a Lowell poem with the same title and sent it to Jim. Sometimes, it really is a matter of opening your eyes and looking around you. |
||
|
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
You're right Brad, but that still doesn't mean you have to like it. To be honest, its okay for me the way JIm used it, but a non-referential example of the same kind of thing (in a contemporary work) would be hard for me to like too.Stephen |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks for bringing this one back up. Reminds me I need to work on it more. Stephen, I'm still on the fence about the Slough. Allusions are always a bit risky - there's no guarantee someone will get it and certainly no guarantee someone will take the time to look it up. On the other hand, "slough" and "despond" are both recognizable enough words. One might get the gist of the meaning even if unfamiliar with Bunyon. Fortunately (?) there are plenty of other parts of the poem that need strengthening, so I have time to mull it over. Thanks for reading and commenting. Jim |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
