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Sugar high
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sugar high |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I was having some Georgia ice cream. It was eight bells by the clock. We were going up the Hudson , and would soon be at the dock. We had a load of Porto Rican sugar We were going to Yonkers town. It was loosely packed in every hole It was Hershey chocolate brown The boson gave the order, all hands go forward and aft . No one had checked the water line. Not a soul had checked the draft. At Dominoes dock in Yonkers , It was well known far and wide a rock's just below the surface every time it is low tide. The tug boats pushed the freighter, up against the sugar dock. The noise was heard in Brooklyn, as she slid across the rock. Four hundred tons of raw sugar, just seemed to go awry. All the fishes in the river, wound up on a sugar high. Tom I was going to write about food, but after the first line I remembered this tale my grandfather told me. |
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| © Copyright 2008 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
That was fun and a very enjoyable read, thanks for posting it. John |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, I love this one. It is one of my favorite. why is ice cream and its related a very important part of memory? I have never seen brown sugar of Hershey chocolate brown.  Love the read. (I have got the fish from my friend, four 6 inches long red fish. I wonder if I shall feed them sugar ) |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
John, thanks for the comments. Thanks Tom, and I don’t know about feeding your fish sugar. I’m pretty sure you can give it some Georgia ice cream. Go to your grocery store and gets some hominy grits. |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
it is ....well taste piquant |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Like the poem, chopsticks, for it's cleverness from a metrical standpoint, the first lines, which are very important to set up the stanza, are all over the place. Here are the numbers of syllables in each first line....9, 11, 7, 8, 7, 8. Your second and fourth lines are terrific. They each contain 7 syllables throughout the poem (almost). The third lines stay true to 8 syllables (almost). In a situation like this where you have a setup of....erratic/7/8/7...the erractic needs help. You can either go with 8/7/8/7 or you could change the third line to 7 and go with 7,7,7,7. Isuggest this because because your third line "The noise was heard in Brooklyn" is a flawless line. So much for the meter. as far as the word selection is concerned, there are a few bumps that need to be worked on. There are a few sentences that sound awkward to me "Not a soul had checked the draft.", "every time it is low tide.", "just seemed to go awry.". They just appear to have an awkwardness to them without decent flow. I'll try a little rewrite and see if I can point out what I'm trying to say here. The first line "I was having some Georgia ice cream." is without salvation. It has way too many syllables and there's no way to shorten it. I would dump it. Having some ice cream or having it be Georgian really has no signifigance anywhere else in the poem so it's disposable easily enough. Beginning the second stanza, we have the same problem with We had a load of Porto Rican sugar". The Porto Rican basically has no further reference and makes the line very awkward, along with extra syllables. I'd scrap it. This is followed by two sentences, both beginning with "It was...". "foreward is a tough word for iambic. Let's change it. In the first line of the last stanza we can eliminate "raw", first because it is an extra syllable and, second, as you have described it, it can be nothing but raw sugar. Not fond of "awry" but I won't touch it since it's your rhyming word. Ok, Here's what I get.....I tried to stay true to the 7-7-7-7 scheme, although, I did once goto 7-7-8-6, knowing that the 8 would feed into the 6 and become balanced.... " The night was calm and peaceful. It was eight bells by the clock. We headed up the Hudson , and would soon be at the dock. We had a load of sugar On the way to Yonkers town. Loosely packed in every hole Colored Hershey chocolate brown. The boson gave the order, For hands to go fore and aft. No one had checked the water line, Nor had they checked the draft. At Dominoes dock in Yonkers , It was well known far and wide There were rocks below the surface Each evening at low tide. The tug boats pushed the freighter, up against the sugar dock. The noise was heard in Brooklyn, as she slid across the rock. Four hundred tons of sugar, Broke loose and went awry. The fishes in the river Wound up on a sugar high. If there's anything there that can help, that's great........  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Balladeer, I can’t find the words to say how very good you are at critiquing a poem. But, you already know that. I served my apprenticeship with my father and I ask him once, when will I know that I am a journeyman , his answer was, you’ll know nobody will have to tell you . You know more about writing in a minute than most of us know in a life time. Btw, thank you for the critique it was a delight. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
My pleasure, sir  |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
That's a splendid rework… A couple of last line possibilities came to mind: The fishes in the river Swam fast on a sugar high. or something like The catfish in the river Swam deep on a sugar high. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ That's a splendid rework…” The rework was by Balladeer, one of the best. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-22-2008 06:55 AM).] |
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