14 Lines: My New Version is written Yet, yes

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Critical Analysis #2

14 Lines: My New Version is written Yet, yes

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

0 posted 2008-02-04 11:04 PM

14 Lines

You,  breathing light through your skin,
Step across a bridge of birds

Between walls of a canyon.

Though it’s the separation
That’s the illusion, the light
Even pressure is still best,
Pulling silk from a cocoon.
The slightest tension is heard

A feathering of unrest
I need to confide in you
But I am breathing in gasps,
The air
             periwinkle blue,
And your pace deft and even.
In the sky, no blackbird rasps.

     It takes on its own life.  It's been swimming, now apparently it's been on a trip.  I never know what it's going to do next.  I look forward to what folks have or haven't to say.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

1 posted 2008-02-04 11:41 PM

very beautiful, the best of the three versions.
very beautiful indeed.

Between walls of a canyon
this reminded me of grand canyon. To me it is not wide and deep enough to describe space.

dwgpoet
Member

since 2007-03-05

Posts 122
FL, USA

2 posted 2008-02-05 03:19 AM

Your 7's like my SEVENs'.
Sonnets; takes me to Heavens.

Beautiful image filled poem.
Carrier pigeons free roam.

Across canyons boomerangs
speech unspoken, songs un-sang.

Blackbirds, Step across a bridge:
an above average ledge.

In the sky,
She met my eye,
no blackbird cries,
"14 Lines"

poddarku
Senior Member

since 2008-01-15

Posts 589
india

3 posted 2008-02-16 03:50 AM

it is a piquant poem with a scientific pen writing it by the directions of an intellectual mind.

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