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LOVE = G-Rated
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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LOVE = G-Rated |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
We addressed our pockets. Clean we picked for the movie’s name. We left home early for a safe and paced driving mission. Arrival time: newsreels reveal “G” films. Previews show coming teamwork attractions. Another preview: a Caesar forgives Brutus’ advances. Preview: a poor woman, what she never had is what she regrets never. Another preview: a slave forgives his master’s name. Another preview a freeman, he slaves for all: advancement. Coming attractions: A hurricane ends its mission. An ecstatic new roof smiling endures another of disaster’s demands. Builders, carpenters, volunteers for free make the film. A father probes, gently turnstiles ears in this film. He tightens yet never meddles, and poking gears, he does never. A now well-done taught Son becomes another projector that exits the clouds while gaining a Name. The screen returns thankful that there are no rains. Intermission: free tickets bring snack meetings advancement. Washcloths inspect and soften all cushions’ advancements. Slender standing in front gets laces tied, prepared for the film. Isles’ sweepers are joined by patrons on a mission. Foot on top of seat gets a shoeshine. Never staining any, fat heads that are blocking the screen’s names, while they are caressing the hairbrushes of one another. Previews begin again and joking with one another, like easy light-tempered, bumblebees who are advancing honey to trapped grizzly bears. Known on a first name basis, the bees, who release each trap are thanked and filmed, because they bandage the slumping wounds while groaning never about their deeds. Their oil soaks wounds, while they make an admission. They had liked the honey claws of beasts was their admission. The sensibility shows. Hearts embrace one another. Meanwhile, slow-motion popcorn speeds never fattening butter to the taste as all tongues advance. The close: All recollect with applause the Previews of coming films. The next audience is now selected and named. One thousand years, Star’s role mission; written perfect for advancement. Stars train one another earth wide like on the screen of coming films. Stars never radiate from Cameras orbits, but instead in the Book of Life is their Names. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Ambiguous, but not a bad start. quote: One can see that 'clean' is the reaction to the pocket or you've already started putting random sentences together. I don't know the movie or are you making a movie? quote: Three unrelated sentences so far. Not necessarily a bad way to go, not necessarily a good way to go. By putting 'safe and paced' and 'driving mission', the emphasis is immediately placed on the drive, not the destination. quote: Well, I don't see how that is a time at all. I guess you mean what happens at arrival time? I kind of get the sense of the inevitable here: "Hey, I don't want to miss the previews" approach. At the same time, one gets the feeling that that inevitability, anticipation is also a disappointment. quote: Indeed they do. Without further elaboration, I see this comment as utterly banal. quote: Brutus was gay? quote: Well, we know you're not talking Hollywood films. Not even Disney films. One can say, I suppose, that the poor woman doesn't regret being poor, never being rich, but that's not exactly what the sentence says. Or maybe: a poor woman, what she never had is what she regrets never having. So, she wishes she had money. Don't we all? quote: And still another non-Hollywood film. By focusing everything on 'name', you leave the idea: forgive the name, not the namer. Oh wait, that's not supposed to be 'name', is it? quote: Hey, what happened to the parallelism? I guess it's just supposed to carry over. I'm beginning to see a pattern here, an hypothesis if you will. The syntax is intentionally obscure, the diction carries all the weight. But the weight of what? You have an impressionist piece, but the impression is intended to convey a general dissatisfaction? Let's see if I'm right.  quote: Wait, you used 'mission' before. Are we to connect the two? Somehow? I don't know, I do think you got bored using the word 'preview'. quote: How are we supposed to read 'smiling' here? quote: 'For free' is awkwardly placed. quote: I have no idea. What does 'turnstiles ears' mean? quote: And here we have 'never' placed in the same position again. quote: Sam Delaney immediately comes to mind. Still, it looks as if some of the Biblical stuff from your other poems are leaking in here. quote: Indeed, I suppose the screen would be thankful to avoid a rain of popcorn or something. I'm guessing, of course. quote: And we have 'mission' again. It does start to make sense, a little bit. The mission is the film. We also have 'advancement' in the same position again. But the film has is not advancing yet? I can almost make something of this. For example, the son is a projectionist, the father the owner, the son lets in friends at intermission to talk and eat movie food. It's a guess, but an image started forming in my head and that's a good thing. quote: Wow, it's a high-class place, isn't it? quote: The curtains are tied back up? quote: I don't know why you use 'Isles'' here. Wouldn't aisles be stronger here? And here we have a mission. A flash. I'm thinking of the last scene in 'Gattaca' where the 'astronauts' are heading for Titan. Are we going for that or something from Universal Studios? quote: That's nice. quote: I suspect this deserves a period. It fits with the last sentence, not the next. quote: An interesting image. A mutual grooming fest? quote: The previews are joking with one another? They are like bumblebees? They are advancing honey to bears? Too much in one sentence. quote: Known to whom? The bees release the bears? They are also filmed? Why is that I feel you've lost interest with your first idea and moved to another one. I don't mine multiple shifts, but again you seem to be relying on 'mission, advancement, never' to give you some kind of coherence. At least for this reader, it ain't working. quote: The bees. I like the double-play on 'admission', I suspect it's too little, too late and the poem is pretty much dead by now. quote: Bear claws were the admission. I thought it was free? This makes no sense. quote: Yeah, the lack of sense is showing about now. quote: Indeed. quote: 'never'/'advance' ― I guess it's still a struggle, isn't it? quote: Now, this one I liked. quote: Okay, I'm beginning to see some progression away from 'advancement' quote: Aw, trying to bring it to a conclusion? quote: And now I see I was wrong. The above was a moment of clarity in a sea of chaos. quote: I'll take your word for it. quote: A good and interesting point. I just wish you had started with a suitably cleaned-up line. ---------------- My feeling is that you aren't spending too much time worrying about reader reaction, you probably shouldn't worry too much about my reaction as it is predominantly negative. And yet, and this is the tricky part, you might want to come back to this in a few days, weeks, months, or years. You have some interesting metaphors, some nice insights, but until you clean up your syntax (or at the very least, learn how to balance the whacky stuff with more straightforward sentence structure), you probably won't get much of a hearing. Also, I would also think about trying to shed that disappointment/ironic tone. Embrace the madness of the world, don't step back and satirize it in this way or it quickly becomes a satire of itself. Advice: reread Howl! More advice: read something other than Howl. |
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