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Critical Analysis #2
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dwgpoet
Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122
FL, USA

0 posted 2008-02-06 03:10 AM



We addressed our pockets. Clean we picked for the movie’s name.
We left home early for a safe and paced driving mission.
Arrival time: newsreels reveal “G” films.
Previews show coming teamwork attractions. Another
preview: a Caesar forgives Brutus’ advances.
Preview: a poor woman, what she never

had is what she regrets never.
Another preview: a slave forgives his master’s name.
Another preview a freeman, he slaves for all: advancement.
Coming attractions:  A hurricane ends its mission.
An ecstatic new roof smiling endures another
of disaster’s demands. Builders, carpenters, volunteers for free make the film.

A father probes, gently turnstiles ears in this film.
He tightens yet never meddles, and poking gears, he does never.
A now well-done taught Son becomes another
projector that exits the clouds while gaining a Name.
The screen returns thankful that there are no rains. Intermission:
free tickets bring snack meetings advancement.

Washcloths inspect and soften all cushions’ advancements.
Slender standing in front gets laces tied, prepared for the film.
Isles’ sweepers are joined by patrons on a mission.
Foot on top of seat gets a shoeshine. Never
staining any, fat heads that are blocking the screen’s names,
while they are caressing the hairbrushes of one another.

Previews begin again and joking with one another,
like easy light-tempered, bumblebees who are advancing
honey to trapped grizzly bears. Known on a first name
basis, the bees, who release each trap are thanked and filmed,
because they bandage the slumping wounds while groaning never
about their deeds. Their oil soaks wounds, while they make an admission.

They had liked the honey claws of beasts was their admission.
The sensibility shows. Hearts embrace one another.
Meanwhile, slow-motion popcorn speeds never
fattening butter to the taste as all tongues advance.
The close: All recollect with applause the Previews of coming films.
The next audience is now selected and named.

One thousand years, Star’s role mission; written perfect for advancement.
Stars train one another earth wide like on the screen of coming films.
Stars never radiate from Cameras orbits, but instead in the Book of Life is their Names.

copyright dwgpoet 2007

© Copyright 2008 dwgpoet - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2008-02-15 05:17 PM


quote:
We addressed our pockets.


Ambiguous, but not a bad start.

quote:
Clean we picked for the movie’s name.


One can see that 'clean' is the reaction to the pocket or you've already started putting random sentences together. I don't know the movie or are you making a movie?

quote:
We left home early for a safe and paced driving mission.


Three unrelated sentences so far. Not necessarily a bad way to go, not necessarily a good way to go. By putting 'safe and paced' and 'driving mission', the emphasis is immediately placed on the drive, not the destination.

quote:
Arrival time: newsreels reveal “G” films.


Well, I don't see how that is a time at all. I guess you mean what happens at arrival time? I kind of get the sense of the inevitable here: "Hey, I don't want to miss the previews" approach. At the same time, one gets the feeling that that inevitability, anticipation is also a disappointment.

quote:
Previews show coming teamwork attractions.


Indeed they do. Without further elaboration, I see this comment as utterly banal.

quote:
Another preview: a Caesar forgives Brutus’ advances.


Brutus was gay?

quote:
Preview: a poor woman, what she never
had is what she regrets never.


Well, we know you're not talking Hollywood films. Not even Disney films. One can say, I suppose, that the poor woman doesn't regret being poor, never being rich, but that's not exactly what the sentence says.

Or maybe: a poor woman, what she never had is what she regrets never having.

So, she wishes she had money. Don't we all?

quote:
Another preview: a slave forgives his master’s name.


And still another non-Hollywood film. By focusing everything on 'name', you leave the idea: forgive the name, not the namer.

Oh wait, that's not supposed to be 'name', is it?

quote:
Another preview a freeman, he slaves for all: advancement.


Hey, what happened to the parallelism? I guess it's just supposed to carry over. I'm beginning to see a pattern here, an hypothesis if you will. The syntax is intentionally obscure, the diction carries all the weight. But the weight of what? You have an impressionist piece, but the impression is intended to convey a general dissatisfaction?

Let's see if I'm right.

quote:
Coming attractions:  A hurricane ends its mission.


Wait, you used 'mission' before. Are we to connect the two? Somehow? I don't know, I do think you got bored using the word 'preview'.

quote:
An ecstatic new roof smiling endures another of disaster’s demands.


How are we supposed to read 'smiling' here?

quote:
Builders, carpenters, volunteers for free make the film.


'For free' is awkwardly placed.

quote:
A father probes, gently turnstiles ears in this film.


I have no idea. What does 'turnstiles ears' mean?

quote:
He tightens yet never meddles, and poking gears, he does never.


And here we have 'never' placed in the same position again.

quote:
A now well-done taught Son becomes another projector that exits the clouds while gaining a Name.

Sam Delaney immediately comes to mind. Still, it looks as if some of the Biblical stuff from your other poems are leaking in here.

quote:
The screen returns thankful that there are no rains.


Indeed, I suppose the screen would  be thankful to avoid a rain of popcorn or something. I'm guessing, of course.

quote:
Intermission:
free tickets bring snack meetings advancement.


And we have 'mission' again. It does start to make sense, a little bit. The mission is the film. We also have 'advancement' in the same position again. But the film has is not advancing yet? I can almost make something of this. For example, the son is a projectionist, the father the owner, the son lets in friends at intermission to talk and eat movie food. It's a guess, but an image started forming in my head and that's a good thing.

quote:
Washcloths inspect and soften all cushions’ advancements.


Wow, it's a high-class place, isn't it?

quote:
Slender standing in front gets laces tied, prepared for the film.


The curtains are tied back up?

quote:
Isles’ sweepers are joined by patrons on a mission.


I don't know why you use 'Isles'' here. Wouldn't aisles be stronger here? And here we have a mission. A flash. I'm thinking of the last scene in 'Gattaca' where the 'astronauts' are heading for Titan. Are we going for that or something from Universal Studios?

quote:
Foot on top of seat gets a shoeshine.


That's nice.

quote:
Never staining any,


I suspect this deserves a period. It fits with the last sentence, not the next.


quote:
fat heads that are blocking the screen’s names,
while they are caressing the hairbrushes of one another.


An interesting image. A mutual grooming fest?

quote:
Previews begin again and joking with one another, like easy light-tempered, bumblebees who are advancing honey to trapped grizzly bears.


The previews are joking with one another? They are like bumblebees? They are advancing honey to bears?

Too much in one sentence.

quote:
Known on a first name basis, the bees, who release each trap are thanked and filmed, because they bandage the slumping wounds while groaning never
about their deeds.


Known to whom? The bees release the bears? They are also filmed? Why is that I feel you've lost interest with your first idea and moved to another one. I don't mine multiple shifts, but again you seem to be relying on 'mission, advancement, never' to give you some kind of coherence. At least for this reader, it ain't working.

quote:
Their oil soaks wounds, while they make an admission.


The bees. I like the double-play on 'admission', I suspect it's too little, too late and the poem is pretty much dead by now.

quote:
They had liked the honey claws of beasts was their admission.


Bear claws were the admission. I thought it was free? This makes no sense.

quote:
The sensibility shows.


Yeah, the lack of sense is showing about now.

quote:
Hearts embrace one another.


Indeed.
quote:
Meanwhile, slow-motion popcorn speeds never fattening butter to the taste as all tongues advance.


'never'/'advance' ― I guess it's still a struggle, isn't it?

quote:
The close: All recollect with applause the Previews of coming films.


Now, this one I liked.

quote:
The next audience is now selected and named.


Okay, I'm beginning to see some progression away from 'advancement'

quote:
One thousand years, Star’s role mission;


Aw, trying to bring it to a conclusion?

quote:
written perfect for advancement.


And now I see I was wrong. The above was a moment of clarity in a sea of chaos.

quote:
Stars train one another earth wide like on the screen of coming films.


I'll take your word for it.

quote:
Stars never radiate from Cameras orbits, but instead in the Book of Life is their Names.


A good and interesting point. I just wish you had started with a suitably cleaned-up line.

----------------

My feeling is that you aren't spending too much time worrying about reader reaction, you probably shouldn't worry too much about my reaction as it is predominantly negative. And yet, and this is the tricky part, you might want to come back to this in a few days, weeks, months, or years. You have some interesting metaphors, some nice insights, but until you clean up your syntax (or at the very least, learn how to balance the whacky stuff with more straightforward sentence structure), you probably won't get much of a hearing. Also, I would also think about trying to shed that disappointment/ironic tone. Embrace the madness of the world, don't step back and satirize it in this way or it quickly becomes a satire of itself.

Advice: reread Howl!

More advice: read something other than Howl.

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