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wisdomofthesword
Member

since 2007-12-17

Posts 224
the last place on earth

0 posted 2008-03-10 09:43 PM

I have been asked to write this so need to get it done but as soon as i get given a deadline writers block takes hold. all help will be very much appreciated.
to the west the mighty alps stand
our famous rivers flow though the land

rugby is our game of choice
we are the champions all rejoice

the many beaches glisten in the sun
and our forests call, adventure has begun

in the city life never stops
in the country tranquility glows
this the place i have spent my life
the name of this place everyone knows
it is famous for it's wine our beers a good drop
famous for hunting the hills never sleep
and in the rivers trout and salmon are always found
music, art, culture, we've got it all

to the west the mighty alps stand
our famous rivers flow though the land
this is a place I have come to know
future and past
my place
my home

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

1 posted 2008-03-11 04:40 PM

Hi there,

Your rhyme scheme is quite inconsistent, so that's something you may want to consider revising. A couple grammar and spelling issues:

"our famous rivers flow though the land" - I assume you mean 'through' not 'though'

and

"it is famous for it's wine our beers a good drop"
It should be 'its' not 'it's' - the latter is used only for the contraction of 'it is', not to show possession.

Also, this would flow much better if you add punctuation, particularly commas.

However, your sentiment shows through, and it looks like you have a good start.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2008-03-11 07:22 PM

Hi Wisdom!  I'm sorry, but this seems to be noodle music, an uninspired sentimental riff on a patriotic theme.  And I'll be darned if I can guess what country you are talking about, which should be important if you want you poem to reflect the essence of a place and your love for it.

"to the west the mighty alps stand
our famous rivers flow though the land"

You're kind of dead in the water right here.  The adjective "mighty" is tough.  It attributes a human characteristic to a mountain range.  Not that this isn't done often, it's just neither fresh nor revealing.  And I would ask, "What famous rivers, what land?"  There is nothing wrong with talking about what you are talking about.

"rugby is our game of choice
we are the champions all rejoice"

Can you see how going from the majestic, the "Alps" to a sport is jarring?

"the many beaches glisten in the sun
and our forests call, adventure has begun"

There is no continuity of thought in this couplet.  I think you are saying that adventure is available.  No "adventure" is referenced elsewhere in the poem.

"in the city life never stops
in the country tranquility glows"

Aargh!  Life never stops in the country, either.  Can you see a logical conflict?  Can you recognize the imagery as being trite?

"this the place i have spent my life
the name of this place everyone knows"

Still don't know where it is.  I looked at the first letters of each line to see if I was missing an anagram. Nope.  If the poem is a riddle, it riddles.

The poem seems to go further downhill from here.  Just one instance:  What in the world does "famous for hunting the hills never sleep" mean?  What is the relationship of the first clause to the second?  Aside from potential riddling, the poem doesn't seem to be willfully obscure, though this line is.

Repetion of opening lines in the closing stanza, in this poem's instance, doesn't kick up the poem's effect.  If they were great lines, they might, but I just don't get the presumably intended power in them.

Just me yappin'.  Jimbeaux

wisdomofthesword
Member

since 2007-12-17

Posts 224
the last place on earth

3 posted 2008-03-12 03:29 AM

thanks for your comments has helped alot

I don't care if you think I'm a fool but don't ever tell me so

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