An Other Day Down, Another Down Day

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TJDoat
Junior Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 26

0 posted 2008-01-19 07:26 PM

Tear it a part, and let me know what you think.

Thanks,
-J
---------------------------------------------

'An Other Day Down, Another Down Day'

A retrospective introspection,

such is that where I again find myself,

tomorrow a mystery to be seen,

as yesterday I see,

like a mysterious scene,

since can be made,

where no sense,

was it seems,

a vison of My life,

torn at it's seams,

I think,

I might try,

to find peace,

or least,

a piece,

of Myself,

in the pieces that be,

broken apart,

without freedom,

but free,

to be as they are,

not as they,

were to be.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-01-19 09:06 PM

Welcome to CA!

TJ,

I need you to e-mail me as soon as you can.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2008-01-20 08:46 AM

Your poem leaves me in distress;

but I'll be back to commet more

after

meet

the

press

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2008-01-20 05:17 PM

Well, Chop has already pointed out one of the problems: your two beat lines.

Why?

What about:

'An Other Day Down, Another Down Day'

A retrospective introspection,

such is that where I again find myself,

tomorrow a mystery to be seen

as yesterday I see

like a mysterious scene.

Sense can be made where no sense,

was it seems, a vison of my life,

torn at its seams, I think,

I might try to find peace,

or at least, a piece

of myself in the pieces that be,

broken apart without freedom,

but free to be as they are,

not as they were to be.
Still, I wonder why you're talking around the subject matter, not talking about it. I suspect if you tackle it directly, you'll find yourself with much more to work with.

TJDoat
Junior Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 26

4 posted 2008-01-20 05:53 PM

The "two beat" lines are rhythmic. If you read it out loud, line by line as it is written it should start off slightly hesitating and then develops a flow, that will increase as it goes on, as far as the subject. I thought I was sticking to it, it's kind of a road not taken thing. Also you spelled the first "sense" wrong it should be "since".....

since/sense
seems/seams/
piece/peace

a paraphrase might be:

A another bad day behind me

I inwardly look backwards
de-ja-vu
I can't see the future
the past makes no sense
therefore....
my self image feels senseless
and my life feels wasted

(I think I might try to find peace, or at least)
this is a search for meaning/self identity in the senseless past/wasted youth and where it has left me
fragmented, and free<---- which is the paradox, there are no chains binding me, and that is in itself the prison in which I sit(for instance, sell your car and you become free from gas prices, and yet enslaved to walking everywhere, or relying on others for rides<---life finds balance)....

to be as they are not as they were to be<---acceptance that I am who I am, as well as a relinquishing of dreams not achieved, "they" refers to the fragmented pieces of what I used to believe was me, seen now, as they are in the reality of hindsight<--measuring rod of dreams unfulfilled perhaps........

One slight correction I left out the word "at" before "least", typo on my part, I get in hurry typing sometimes, it should read "or at least"

Hope this helps you, if you still feel it's choppy and broken up too much after finding it's rhythym, let know, and I'll re-think, but try to find it's natural rhythm first.

-J

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

5 posted 2008-01-21 10:26 AM

TJ , I read it out loud and it sounded like something from Shakespeare’s what happen

pile.

I hope you take this the right way.

Btw, especially the last three lines “ To be or not to be “

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2008-01-21 03:24 PM

I guess you should wait for a second opinion before you change anything but:

quote:
since can be made,

where no sense,

was it seems,

a vison of My life,

torn at its seams,

There is a rhythm here (the rhyme helps), but I don't detect anything similar in the last few lines. I'm not sure what you mean by 'increasing' but shorter linebreaks don't increase the tempo if that's what you mean.

Unless you mean 'since' as in the word itself, since doesn't really make much sense there.

Wordplay for its own sake perhaps, but I don't see the point.

But more importantly, even your explanation is abstract. Your identity is intact because the poem still makes, forgive me, sense. Get away from the abstraction and more into concrete reality. In what way does this problem create problems for you? Are there real situations where you can't seem to survive? Are you doing the philosophical zombie thing (Yes, it's a philosopical, not cinematic, point)?

Actually, that seems like a good place to depart from: zombies.

Rereading that, it sounds far more facetious than is intended. The basic idea, and forgive me again if you're already aware of this, is that an entity, in theory, can do everything and anything that we do as perceived by others, but has no life, no voice, on the inside.

But I'd wait for a few more opinions before you start reworking it.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

7 posted 2008-01-23 07:33 PM

TJ:

I had some trouble with this one. I like short lines in free verse. I like how they tend to emphasize what has been said - tend to be suggestive of pause or a complete thought. When all the lines are short, however, they tend to blend in together, losing some of their benefit.

For me, it was easier to look at your poem in their sentence forms:

quote:
A retrospective introspection, / such is that where I again find myself, / tomorrow a mystery to be seen / as yesterday I see / like a mysterious scene.

What is missing? You haven't drawn me into your introspection. I don't see even a glimpse of what you've seen yesterday or of what you expect to see tomorrow. So we've gone twenty-something words together, and I haven't seen anything and I haven't learned anything about the speaker.

quote:
Sense can be made where no sense, / was it seems, a vison of my life, / torn at its seams, I think, / I might try to find peace, / or at least, a piece / of myself in the pieces that be, / broken apart without freedom, / but free to be as they are, / not as they were to be.

Different topic, same issues.  The speaker is talking about making sense of something.  Life?  The Universe?  Everything?  When the Raiders are going to have a winning season again?  You've got "sense ... life ... peace ... freedom" but none of those words convey much without a context.

Not trying to be harsh here.  Only to illustrate that the thoughts that inspired this poem have remained exclusively your thoughts.  Your lines talk around the thoughts, without touching on what they, or the objects of those thoughts, are.

TJ, I don't see any zombies here.  I see a skeleton.  My suggestion would be to give the reader more to work with, something on which to focus.  Flesh this thing out.  Your poem leaves the reader hungry for more info ... give the reader more info, and the reader will be more satisfied.  Clearly the thoughts are there ... they're only waiting to be written down.

Hope to see some future posts soon.

Jim

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