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The nectarine tree
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The nectarine tree |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
A seed fell from the sky and onto the soil A sapling sprouted from the seed The ground was fertile The leaves were green The sapling was fed Its thirst quenched by the rain It felt the sun on its leaves It grew for many days Days grew into months The sapling grew into a tree Its bark was brown It was tall enough for all to see Two pieces of fruit started to grow One on each side of the tree The fruit were small But you could tell they were nectarines They were both happy They noticed one another One reached out Then so did the other The sun shined on them both They watched each other grow There was never a winter They never felt cold snow Even though they were on opposite sides of the tree They grew to be best friends They could see their beginning They could not see their end Their friendship grew into more It grew before a year They went into it whole heartedly Even though there was a bit of fear Their feelings grew even more It always felt like spring Their color was beautiful You could hear church bells ring Then one day A chill filled the air One of the nectarines went to sleep As the other one looked over and starred A late winter storm had arrived It came out of nowhere One called out to the other But the sleeping one wasn’t there The cold wind blew hard It made a frightening sound As the one continued to sleep The other was blown off the tree and onto the ground The storm had past The sleeping one was finally awake He glanced over And his heart started to race He looked all over the branch Then he looked down He saw the mark where she had fallen But his best friend was nowhere to be found Hello: As you can tell I'm new to poetry. I have been going through the toughest year of my life with the loss of multiple people, some due to death and some due to circumstance. Writing has been very therapeutic for me. This is my first poem. When I wrote it the ideas just flowed out of me, but I need to be pointed in the right direction as far as structure, technique, ect. I posted on another forum and they were telling me about meter, blank verse ect. They gave me links to figure out what these things are, but to be honest it was like reading a different language. They did not seem to be interested in helping a beginner. I have found something inside of me that wants to be set free. I need some honest critique and some guidance. Thank You Casey [This message has been edited by delrayhc (01-09-2008 07:39 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 delrayhc - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A couple things, Casey: 1. I need an e-mail address. (Just send something to me. That should work.) 2. In your profile, you said that you don't want critiques. You can't really post here and have that crit sign turned off, now, can you?  The only way this works is if we keep the communication lines open as much as possible. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A very warm welcome to this wonderful site.  I read through it and I sensed the emotion grows with the tree until the end and the end made me cry. I like the idea that you describe human relationship with tree and its fruits. The life, the vivid color, the attached but stay independent, the growth and maturing. Friendship and love and all other relationships shall grow to their maturity to show their fullest color. And sadly comes the physical ending. The loss, the feeling of sorrow. But, a dropped fruit is a buried seed. and it will carry the old memory. and repeat the cycle. Techniques...I shall wait for others. They think that they are not tigers. I like this one and it is much better than my first one. And write more!!! [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-09-2008 06:00 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I agree with Tom. Your poem reminds me of " Immortality " by William Tomkins, keep writing. http://www.inquiry.net/outdoor/native/sign/immortality.htm |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Hmmmm. I have some work to do then when it comes to the reader seeing what I'm trying to portray. I was painting the picture of two people that thought that they would be together forever until something came between then from out of nowhere. After the dust settled one of the people had left because of the problem and there was nothing the other could do. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
delray? I think this is a nice intro to who you are and what you hope to achieve. It's a quibble of a point, perhaps, but you had a nice little story going, with detached observance until here: "Their feelings grew even more It always felt like spring Their color was beautiful You could hear church bells ring" That "You" in the last line dragged me into an attachment I didn't feel. (And that was okay with me, until the "you") Your "you" is my "me"--and I liked standing back observing until that point. I hope this doesn't chase "you" away from us. I'd love to read more of you. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
I thank all of you who have replied to my poem so far. serenity blaze , What do you think I could of used instead of the " You " in "Their feelings grew even more It always felt like spring Their color was beautiful You could hear church bells ring" Thanks |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
You may rewrite it and see if I can get it. "and there was nothing the other could do" as the fruit...it is hanging there still as a person.. there is memories and there is way to continue life, right? but you indeed ended your poem sadly. enjoyed it. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Actually, TomMark you did pretty much get it in your first post. Im sorry, but I jumped the gun a bit when I replied to chopsticks post when he said immortality. I thought my poem reminded him of actual immortality opposed to the poem with the title of immortality and thats why I thought that I didnt paint the picture properly, and yes I meant to end the poem sadly. They never saw each other again. I'm glad you enjoyed it |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I don't really like to re-write other's stuff. Poetry is so personal. but since you asked, from "Their feelings grew even more It always felt like spring Their color was beautiful You could hear church bells ring" You might have kept it removed from a personal you with something like-- "Their feelings grew even more It always felt like spring Their color was beautiful, and holy as the church bells ring." Not saying it's better this way, just more consistent. Like I said though, it was a very nice intro as is, I just thought that the use of the word "You" kinda jabbed me center-chest. I'm just one opinion though. and I don't know so much. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Thanks Serenity I do understand your point of view and value your opinion. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ But, a dropped fruit is a buried seed. and it will carry the old memory. and repeat the cycle. ” Casey, I’m sorry if my reply was somewhat confusing, I was thinking of TomMark's reply as much as your poem when I thought of the poem “ Immortality “ |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Its ok, I appreciate your replies. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear delrayhc, I love the poem and I love the feelings in it. And I think Chops does too. Just keep writing. Your idea is quite wonderful to me. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Thanks TM |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear delrayhc, Pay attention to the things everybody says, then listen for the ones that seem to be most useful for your writing. We all need support on the path. Sometimes it comes from one place, sometimes from another. If you listen, you'll start to find a path that's more uniquely your own through the forest. There's always something interesting being said, though; always. For me, you're working too hard at being "poetic." Among the modern poets, Elizabeth Bishop is absolutely first rate at this. Reading Elizabeth Bishop is like getting your vision corrected when you didn't know you needed glasses. The whole world suddenly seems about three levels sharper, and you realize you'd never actually seen it before. Two books by James Wright, SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER, and THE BRANCH WILL NOT BREAK are generally available from the library. Kenneth Rexroth has done some really amazing translations from the chinese, mostly short poems, that are breathtaking. Some suggestions is all. Best wishes, BobK |
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