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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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In Praise of Experience |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
In Praise of Experience To be able to move smoothly across A river of light and not have the sound Of her passing cause a single ripple In the passion she feels for her husband, The woman's devotion is transparent, Surely fine enough to keep her afloat. It supports her above the rocks smashing Together, the cauldron of white seething That is the Amaragawa River. Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites. Her name is Orihime. Even names Are too heavy a memory to grasp At those times you must rise above yourself. If she is actually to surrender Her loss. find her husband, Hikoboshi, There is room to take absolutely nothing With her across the fragile bridge of birds, Sparrows in fright, their sharp wings flickering. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To walk with assurance between the stars. I've tried to listen carefully to what everybody has said about the earlier version of this, and to make the best use of it I could. As you can see, it's still in process, but moving. The comments I got last time were great and useful. If you can muster more of the same, I'll do my best to sort out what I can use right now with what I'll need to spend more time thinking about. Any thoughtful reading helps. Even the occasional nasty Jibe has proven worthwhile over the years; there's usually some good reason for it. Thanks, Bob K. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Bob K - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
This is completely new to me, and a poetically rich contribution for my reading today. Let’s see here: L7, The word “It” seems to cheat your wonderful substance. I think you can alight from L6 with a new angle there since “devotion” is basically given 2 lines and proper closure. Maybe something like: *She easily drifts above smashing rocks* which may cause a need to tighten L8 with something like: *A cauldron of white seething (energy)<---bad choice there but trying for 3sylls* L16 might be tightened just a bit by rewording with: *She is unable to take/carry a thing/ anything* That’s it for me  Nothing nasty. Haha. I think you have a hit no matter what you decide and I’m happy you didn't give up.Kudos to you, BobK. may you stay so inspired, reg |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I love your first version. and I love this one too. I can sense your own voice. You write well. Tom |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Bob K. Excellent revision! Much more than an edit, but a new piece. It makes the referenced legend accessible whether a reader knows the legend or not. This is good. I didn't know anything about Orihime before your first post. Reading this one, you take the legend to a place where knowing the legend in advance is not necessary to the power of story. In the first version, "not-knowing," given the compression of the original piece, was, as you demonstrate here, an unnecessary, if elegant, difficulty. This go stays elegant, and adds your voice to it. So then, stuff: "In Praise of Experience" Kind of an elusive title. The poem speaks to me more of "dedication" than "experience." You could be blunt and call it "10,000 Kimonos," "Orihime," or, Lord love a duck, "She Walks On Water." None of these of course, are "it." RE: "To be able to move smoothly across A river of light and not have the sound Of her passing cause a single ripple" OK, I'm going to do something dubious here, one of those "for what it's worth's," and offer up a quote from God: "Complacencies of the peignoir, and late Coffee and oranges in a sunny chair, And the green freedom of a cockatoo Upon a rug mingle to dissipate The holy hush of ancient sacrifice. She dreams a little, and she feels the dark Encroachment of that old catastrophe, As a calm darkens among water-lights. The pungent oranges and bright, green wings Seem things in some procession of the dead, Winding across wide water, without sound. The day is like wide water, without sound. Stilled for the passing of her dreaming feet Over the seas, to silent Palestine, Dominion of the blood and sepulchre." from "Sunday Morning," Wallace Stevens, first strophe. Other times, different legend, but interesting similarity in crossing water without sound and, uh, birds. The poems are not about the same thing at all, but the corelatives are interesting. "In the passion she feels for her husband, The woman's devotion is transparent, Surely fine enough to keep her afloat." There might be some sort of sense (not sensory) problem here. What is the relationship between "passion" and "devotion?" Are they seperable or inseperable here? The act of weaving 10,000 kimonos is devotional. Is it passionate? Is her devotion "transparent," "apparent," or "inherent" in whom she is? The sense is "readily visible" and works as is. What might be a stronger affirmation than the conditional sounding "Surely fine" "It supports her above the rocks smashing Together, the cauldron of white seething That is the Amaragawa River. Again, a "sense," not sensory, thing. If passion/devotion are inseperable, then the "It," as opposed to a possible "they" has a valid reference. You might look at "cauldron" with its heat/boiling/bubbling connotations. Is it "rocks smashing together," or water smashing rocks? Here, for me, is where the poem is opened up from version 1. The poem describes a river. It's name is Amaragawa, the appropriate specific, and readers can touch it. Then, the character described is named, with the reader having a sense of whom she is. "Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites. Her name is Orihime. Even names Are too heavy a memory to grasp At those times you must rise above yourself." How did the "you" and "yourself" get in there? The tenor of the poem is not didactic. It is an effective statement. Is there another way to couch it? Pickety in parens: If she is actually to surrender Her loss(,) find her husband, Hikoboshi, There is room to take absolutely nothing (what's the difference between "absolutely nothing," "nothing," and "anything?") "With her across the fragile bridge of birds, Sparrows in fright, (word play -- does it add or diminish) their sharp wings flickering. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To walk with assurance between the stars." The last two lines are gorgeous, a poem in themselves. In context, the poem has been talking about crossing a river, here it moves to walking "between the stars." Does the metaphor work with and without knowledge of the legend? Does it need to? The theme this poem addresses is very very strong stuff and not easily approached. I stand in awe of your ability to distance yourself from the first shot and give it another truly solid go. To my mind, that is what craftsmanship is about. Oh, wrote this "in the box," not my habit, so I apologize for typo's. And it's always just me talking. Best, Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I can't go into the whole thing but I had to tell you, those first three lines hit me like a lightning bolt. It can't get much better than that. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Thank you everybody for your kind efforts so far. I've tried to use as much as I could in putting this together. ACROSS To be able to move smoothly across A river of light and not have the sound Of her passing send a single ripple In her concentration on her husband, The woman's devotion is transparent And supports her above the rocks crashing Together, this cauldron of seething white That is the Amanagawa River. Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites. Her name is Orihime. Even names Are too heavy a burden to carry At those times she must rise above herself. If she's able to unburden herself Of loss, at last she will be light enough To search out her husband, Hikoboshi. She has room for nothing inessential If she's to pick her way across the bridge Of birds, the wings of sparrows flickering. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To walk with assurance between the stars. Much as I would like to take credit for the concept, the reference to the legend was from Huan Yi, who sent those interested to a now forgotten web site for details. Thank you, Huan Yi. There is also a series of books about "a china that never was," who author last name was (I think) Huggard. One of the titles was (I'm sure) BRIDGE of BIRDS. Buy copies or read them for great happiness ensuing. Comments on this revision are also greatly appreciated, should you chose to offer them. Thanks, BobK. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
The new version is not as good as the one on top, my thought. Is there anything can replace the beginning "to be able to" ? The words "concentration", "devotion", "transparent", two "white", "unburden" bothers me. my unpoetic thought. Thank you for sharing your poem |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, Intuitions are useful. If you can dig a little deeper and try to put your finger on the why of being bothered by these things, it'd be more helpful. Except for the "To be able," of course, which simply plain jams the works by not getting down to the business of actual movement and gives away almost half the first line. I'd missed that and it was right in front of my beady little eyes. Gratefully, BobK. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Orihime must be able to cross The Amanogawa River without Maring its surface. So she may rejoin Hikoboshi, her beloved husband, She walks across a bridge of sparrow's wings. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To learn to walk lightly across the stars. love this version. I read a very light hearted, joyful tune between the lines. I can imagine graceful steps, may be with an little umbrella. The rewrite To be able to move smoothly across A river of light and not have the sound Of her passing cause a single ripple In the passion she feels for her husband, THE WOMAN'S DEVOTION IS TRANSPARENT Surely fine enough to keep her afloat. It supports her above the rocks smashing Together, the cauldron of white seething That is the Amaragawa River. Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites. Her name is Orihime. Even names Are too heavy a memory to grasp At those times you must rise above yourself. If she is actually to surrender Her loss. find her husband, Hikoboshi, There is room to take absolutely nothing With her across the FRAGILE bridge of birds, Sparrows in fright, their SHARP wings flickering. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To walk with assurance between the stars. In this one you added the words fragile, sharp which made the trip less pleasant. "The woman's devotion is transparent." the only verse that it was a good statement but least poetic...the weaving of 10,000 kimonos has expressed this mood. To be able to move smoothly across A river of light and not have the sound Of her passing send a single ripple In her concentration on her husband, The woman's devotion is transparent And supports her above the rocks crashing Together, this cauldron of seething white That is the Amanagawa River. Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites. Her name is Orihime. Even names Are too heavy a burden to carry At those times she must rise above herself. If she's able to unburden herself Of loss, at last she will be light enough To search out her husband, Hikoboshi. She has room for nothing inessential If she's to pick her way across the bridge Of birds, the wings of sparrows flickering. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To walk with assurance between the stars. In her concentration on her husband, The woman's devotion is transparent I think the original word "passion" better. seething white egg whites white here is repeated. Too heavy a memory / too heavy a burden later you used an "unburden" I think that "memory" is better than "Burden". and the word "assurance"..I am still thinking about it. Tell me why I like the first one better? I think that it was based purely on the mood when you wrote them. still my un-poetic thought. best wish, Tom [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-10-2008 01:35 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Bob: This is a beautiful poem that, I suspect, is more than a poetic reciting of the myth of Orihime and Hikoboshi. I almost get the impression that another’s thoughts and experiences are being superimposed on the myth, mostly as a result of my reading “Water stands stiffly as beaten egg whites,” which seems to suggest a picture of how whitewater looks frozen by a photograph. To me, there is something lost in the relaying of the characters’ and river’s names. You have such great sound here, and then I hear “Hikoboshi” … nothing against the name, but compared to the smoothness of many of the lines (which serve subtly as reminders of why Orihime is stuck making kimonos in the first place), “Amaragawa” and “Hikoboshi” almost hurt the ear. If you mention Orihime, I'm just wondering why mention of the others is even necessary? I can’t end on a “critical” (in the negative sense) note with this poem. I’ll always read it as “Orihime: In Praise of Experience.” You’ve certainly done justice to a beautiful story. Very nice work. Many thanks for the read. Jim |
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