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ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

0 posted 2007-12-19 03:56 PM

Amy walked in
introducing herself as Amy,
the band teacher.

Later, exchanging information,
she said,"My email is ADillavou,
but I'm getting it changed.
I was married this summer."

It wasn't so much that I was to congratulate her-

Her statement was a notice
that she was good enough.
For men.
And for marriage.

I hadn't particularly doubted it,
but her amount of doubt
was enough for the both of us.

cs

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (12-21-2007 05:05 PM).]

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

1 posted 2007-12-19 06:43 PM

I like this poem. (though with some little eave things due to copy/paste)
A free verse style

"Amy walked in
introducing herself as Amy,
the band teacher."

Amy was a bend teacher...musical, poetic, active, energetic, enthusiasm, lovely lady.

"Later, exchanging information,
she said,'My email is ADillavou,
but I'm getting it changed.
I was married this summer.'"

Married. She wanted but has not changed her whatever.. the hesitation and the independence and the lightly playful tune( or temptation)as the old email address "ADillavou"

"It wasn't so much that I was to congratulate her,
her statement was a notice
that she was good enough.
For men. And for marriage."

From talker's view point, she was loyal, or self-confident enough. But does he expect more? or less?

"I hadn't particularly doubted it,
but her amount of doubt
was enough for the both of us."

Her doubt?? What was her doubt? And why "both of us"? Why the talker was relevant to her doubt on the first day of they met each other?

Contemporary mania.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-12-20 12:33 PM

Hi Dane! Good to read you again! Do you think you could edit or repost the poem without the formating problems that appear on the screen? Weird things -- OK, not weird, but the technical explanation is beyond me since I still think of my computer as a typewriter with wings -- happen all the time, and I know the odd characters were not your intent.

I'd like to look at this further and read it out loud with your intended rhythm.

Best, Jim Aitken. (I think I'll use my last name now because the original "Jim" is posting again, to everyone's benefit!)

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

3 posted 2007-12-20 01:14 PM

Dear Jim,
"intended rhythm"?

The author tried to rhyme on -er. But I have not read out a beat. My fault, I guess.

And the first verse ending with an "in" and the second verse started with a in-, is there any meaning with this?

and the same thing happened in S3, her, her. is there a poetic meaning?

"It wasn't so much that I was to congratulate her,
her statement was a notice"

Waiting for your explanation of the rhythm.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

4 posted 2007-12-20 01:36 PM

TomMark -- I'm just suggesting that there is a technical problem with the posting. I am hoping the poet will present it without these stumbling bocks so that it can be looked at and read out loud without the computer "hiccups."

To look at it and read it for rythm right now is difficult, an not what the poet intended.

Best, Jim Aitken

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

5 posted 2007-12-20 02:02 PM

Thank you, dear Jim.

"To look at it and read it for rhythm right now is difficult, an not what the poet intended."

I got it.
Thank you again.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

6 posted 2007-12-20 02:06 PM

CS:

I'd like to come back to this one when I have more time. I did some playing with your line breaks (if your poem has a weakness, I think it is that you could make better use of line breaks to amplify your message).

Here's what I came up with:

Amy walked in
introducing herself as “Amy,
the band teacher.”

Later, exchanging information,
she said, “My email is ADillavou,
but I’m getting it changed.
I was married this summer.”

It wasn’t so much that I was to congratulate her –

Her statement was a notice that
she was good enough
for men.
for marriage.

I hadn’t particularly doubted it,
but her amount of doubt
was enough

for the both of us.

Jim

P.S. Jim A., you don't have to change the way you post your name ... maybe I'll just start going by "Old Jim."

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

7 posted 2007-12-20 02:22 PM

Forgive me if you consider this as rude

I read as

Amy entered
introducing herself
"I'm Amy,
the band teacher."

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

8 posted 2007-12-21 02:21 PM

Thank you all for commenting. I had not been able to get back to the board for a few days. To see so many comments is very nice.

To answer questions:

There is no intended rhythm.

The reason why the doubt effected the writer was that the whole exchange was so forceful. Whereas I had no reason to question what she told me as she said it. The end of the conversation was left me with a feeling that she had to prove herself or prove the whole deal to herself. I'm not sure.

Thanks for the comments: Keep them coming.

Dane

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2007-12-21 03:45 PM

Dane,

I was just waiting for you to fix the wierd symbols. It's now fixed. Now, this is the best thing I've read of yours.

So far.

Concise without being dense. You capture so much without seeming to try to.

An excellent poem.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

10 posted 2007-12-21 05:06 PM

Thanks Brad. I appreciate it.

Dane

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

11 posted 2007-12-22 08:51 PM

Hi Dane!  Nice piece, but I have a couple of problems with it.  There's a rhetorical or implied logical disconect.

I'll try that one first.  The poem begins with a stranger introducing herself, and ends with the poet's statement

"I hadn't particularly doubted it,
but her amount of doubt
was enough for the both of us.

There is nothing referential in the poem indicating a realtionship which would allow either doubt or belief.  I'm all for compression, but something seems to have been compressed out of this.

"Amy walked in
introducing herself as Amy,
the band teacher."

OK.  What happens with:

Amy walked in.
She introduced herself as Amy.

It seems as if Amy's role as band teacher says little about Amy, and has little to do with the remainder of the poem/  She came into the poet's presence, does the setting matter?

"Later, exchanging information,
she said,"My email is ADillavou,"

ADillavou, so odd, sets up the expectation of a rhyme.  Why else this very specific choice?

but I'm getting it changed.
I was married this summer."

It wasn't so much that I was to congratulate her-

Her statement was a notice
that she was good enough.
For men.
And for marriage.

I hadn't particularly doubted it,

The referential problem, there is not relationship to evince doubt of belief.

"but her amount of doubt
was enough for the both of us."

And here is gets interesting.  Was it a pugnaciousness in Amy's statement/phrasing.  OK, something's being said here.  Is it about casual encounter and shared experience.  I very much like these two lines.  I have a harder time with the context.

Last, there is a difference between meter and music, or rhythm.  Poetry is a spoken art.  It is aural, and no more confined to meter for effectiveness than jazz means playing the notes on the page.

Best, Jim Aitken

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

12 posted 2007-12-24 03:31 PM

Hi,

I liked this very much.

I wondered if you would consider condensing it even more? Sort of leaving us to figure out the character of Amy.
The narrator is implying that this stranger introduces herself, gives a short biography
of her personal life and leaves him with the sense that she has some sort of inferiority complex. Her statement of getting marriage is a sort of defiance to the possibility that she was an old maid. Makes me wonder what she looks like. Surely if she was beautiful she would not need the defiance implied by her marriage statement. Is she old and dowdy? I would have liked to know if her looks fit or were at odds with the glimpse we get of her character.

Amy walked in
introducing herself as Amy,
the band teacher.

* I don't know if you really need a repetition of Amy's name. Like either "she walked in" or cut out the second Amy.
Later, exchanging information,
she said,"My email is ADillavou,
but I'm getting it changed.
I was married this summer."

* I think you could probably do away with "exchanging information" as well. This would make her appear as forcing her biography on the narrator.Perhaps here would be a good place to draw us a picture of Amy.

It wasn't so much that I was to congratulate her-

* This line seems superfluous it's explained in the stanza following.

Her statement was a notice
that she was good enough.
For men.
And for marriage.

I hadn't particularly doubted it,
but her amount of doubt
was enough for the both of us.
The last three lines could probably be condensed to " Her doubt was enough for the both of us"

that's just my take on this, hope it helps.

cheers

emy

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