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Imperfect Dream
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Imperfect Dream |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I sat at the top of the words, a huge pile in perfect rhyme of multi dimensional or it was not like that you wrote around and around and through to get on its dark side which we had never met of the moon to get the meters and forms right. Tyring to slide down only I found that I was dragged up by force of unknown. I cried gravity while I saw little fish dining on my verse and shark on the stanza. I kicked so hard to get up to the shore to get on a boat. I wanted to fish my muse back. What a nightmare with CA  [This message has been edited by TomMark (12-10-2007 07:16 PM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Sir Brad,it was a true dream of mine in last night and it was colored of course. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi TomMark! Why is CA a nightmare? It's just a bunch of dreamers... I'll be darned if I can figure out a way to critique your work. Your use of language is incredible and beyond any pickety-pickety analysis. Best, Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Jim, to be honest, it is indeed very hard for a pianist to find a tune in baby pounding pots. Just say "Tom, your poem is bad. go rewrite it." Truly! then I'll try to make it better. And you, all of your perfect sense on poems stress my mind. see, I even dreamed about this. And for save soem time for Sir Brad I copy/paste his words...a wonderful mini-lecture too "Poetry or verse has a very different aesthetic 'punch'. The more reality you claim, the less that punch will matter, and the more the poem will become a vehicle for something else. Now, if that's what you want to do, okay, but do you see how considerations of diction, syntax, meter, and rhyme seem somehow irrelevant if your main focus is relating a real event? They still matter or rather they should still matter, but ultimately the question or these questions are dependent, not on what happened to you, but on how you want the reader to react. How do you want the reader to react here? " |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi TomMark: When I read you all I hear is music! You have a unique voice. I have no frame of reference to talk about what you create, and I wouldn't suggest changing a word. Just accept the compliment, please. Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you so very much, Dear Jim. wish you a good night! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I used to be so serious ” Tom, the above is a recent quote of yours’ Maybe, just maybe you are starting to take poetry to serious again. Remember the guy that dreamed that he was a butterfly, he got help now he’s president. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you Chops. You did not tell me that if you liked this one. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Thank you Chops. You did not tell me that if you liked this one “ Tom, if you write it I like it. I’m reading New York Girl now. I want to see if I am in it. I lived there when it was called New Amsterdam. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: As you can see, I'd drop that last line. It's not a bad line and I'd keep it for another poem, but this nice 'journey' doesn't need an ,an epitaph or epilogue depending on how you see it. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you dear Sir Brad. I looked so scared without the last line. DO you think so? |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
you made a mark. serious poems are becoming so rare.i'll like to divide 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th lines into 3 more lines. |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
I'm having trouble wading through the first half...... I sat at the top of the words,<----good straightforward(also punctuated) a huge pile in perfect rhyme<---flows well here of multi dimensional or it was not like<---multi-dimensional what??? If it it's the rhyme them wouldn't dimension(s) be correct? that you wrote around and around and through to get on its dark side which we had never met <---needs some kind of punctuation, parenthesis, comma, something(feels muddled).... of the moon to get the meters and forms right.<---it's darkside of the moon? Again needs some sort of punctuation where's the subject going? Tyring to slide down only I found that I was dragged up by force of unknown.<--again open adjective, unknown what? Unknown origin, unknown extremes, unknown depths??? I cried gravity while I saw little fish <---fantastic line, "I cried gravity", sinking sadness, falling sorrow... dining on my verse and shark on the stanza. <--suppose I'm a fish now I kicked so hard to get up to the shore to get on a boat.<--again needs punctuation I wanted to fish my muse back.<----I too think this line detracts, even though it feels to be the explaning central point. I think it feels better open. .....just my two cents. -J |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you very much TJDoat. The three dimensional is the describtion of strict rhyming as the Rubic'a Cube. Every direction you have to rhyme.  Moon is round so you have no stop point to line up the rhyme. my messy poem and it is indeed a dream. The rhyme happened in pyramid, up, down and around. everywhere rhymed with i. How interesting it was "I". A sign of stress with CA. Love this place and love all those poets thought with bad dreams. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Tommark, Please, please forgive me for panning this poem. You are so generous with everybody else and are frequently good yourself. My own values have to do with the presence of things, people, places, sounds, tastes, the whole world of sensory experience into a poem. When I don't have these, I need something clear for me to pick my way through a poem to give me a sense of orientation and to structure my experience. In this poem, I have nothing but abstractions to grasp. I once had the experience of drowning, and the feeling of flailing and disorientation had some distant similarities, though here air was assured and I felt that I was in friendly hands. There was, however, nothing to hold onto, at least for me. The boat at the end of the poem which you were so willing to discard was the first thing that I found that gave me comfort and orientation, and I wonder if the poem might not actually have some sort of new beginning there, which is the first place you have come to. For a poet to speak, I've always felt he or she must have a grounding of some sort in a Place, they need some sort of Voice for the course of the poem at least, and they need some sort of Stance or point of view from which they address some visualized Audience. I'd put the first part of the paragraph all in caps if I didn't think it would look ugly. Without any of those conditions present, you probably won't have a poem on the page at the end of your writing time. I'm not saying it's impossible, mind you; but right now, right here, I can't think of any exceptions. Probably you can. Anyway, these are the things I think you need to work on in this poem. I also think you need to start over with the last line and if you're going to use any of the other lines, it help if you made them palpable in some fashion. I'm trying to offer the best feedback I can here, and I'm sorry that it sounded a bit rough even to my ear. I am rooting for you, though. Affectionately, BobK. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Bob K, thank you for telling the truth. I'll see how I can learn to grab readers. You many say anything. I am not easily to be offended by good hearted people. TM |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I sat at the top of the words, a huge pile in perfect rhyme quote: Possible edit: I sat at the top of the words, a pyramid in perfect rhyme Why did you use “huge pile” when you had a pyramid to play with? Possible re-edit: I sat atop the walls of words, a pyramid in perfect rhyme If you’re trying to create a feeling of an over abundance of poems or poetic devices why not pack as many into the opening lines as you can? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
thank you very much, Grinch. A big lesson from a few words. You are very right..The opening line. Here, you know again , how much I know about writing poem. I shall rewrite it. Thank you sincerely with my heart. Now, do please tell me about your poem. Don't wait too late Look at all the troubles that DT caused? |
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carnyspook Junior Member
since 2008-01-26
Posts 15Kentucky, United States of America |
I had trouble following it. I can see panic in trying to get out of the water when the fishes are eating what with the sharks dining on huh. Maybe an explaination of what was in your mind would clear things up a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I am no critique. I am a beginner and don't have alot of experience in reading or writing poetry. I guess there is so many styles and I just don't reconize this one. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear carnyspook, a warm welcome to this wonderful site. You may also go to other forum to talk about life. About my poem, you may say anything. Believe me , I am much newer than you are in poetry field. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Carnyspook, something tells me that you know more about reading and writing poetry than you are letting on . I think it is refreshing for someone to come to the forum like you have. Btw, if Tom told you what was in his mind, we would all be listening very carefully. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
My only issue is you go image to image (mountain to moon to ocean). But then again, it is a dream, so maybe that's as it should be. I agree- use pyramid instead of 'pile.' And I agree with Brad, drop the last line. I liked the ocean imagery the best: 'I cried gravity while I saw little fish dining on my verse and shark on the stanza.' Beautiful lines. Hope this helped. |
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Angel4aKing Senior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 1372USA |
This is really good.....hmmm off to find more from you...  ~~~kingsangel~~~ |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, On the off chance You don't know Stafford, I'm sending you this link to one of his poems. If you're interested, I'm sure there are a lot of others on the web and he published a lot of books. I think he may speak to something in you and ion what you're doing. I'm never sure about these things, but here: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16217 BobK |
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