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Critical Analysis #2
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Gravity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Gravity |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
GRAVITY Is it just my imagination, or could it really be. That gravity is getting stronger and pulling down on me. Could it be some scientific thing, like sending men to the moon. Or is it just some passing phase, that is sure to end real soon. But what the hell is happening, my legs feel like lead . Just this very morning I had trouble getting out of bed . I even called my congressman, I can't tell you what he said.; but I think he would have to kill me, if I knew what was in his head. Then I called my senator to see if he would chat. Get off this phone, he said to me, you crazy Democrat. But I know it is getting stronger, much stronger by the day. Here is my final plea for help, here is all I have to say. If you see some old man crawling down the street, he’s not drunk, it's gravity keeping him off his feet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I didn’t post this poem for someone to tell me its not funny. I already know that it is a very sad poem. However, if it builds your ego to tear down this poem, have a go at it. I read it out loud several times and my dog seems to like it ; but he may think it was just a new way of saying, let’s go for a walk. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (12-07-2007 09:54 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Gravity You hold me too tight to watch fall leaves dropping A moment of off Tom |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Gravity mainly keeps you grounded ,chops. What is the meaning of "the gravity become stronger"? do you mean that the messy earth is more attractive?  Now I got what you were talking about. the spirit thing. Old man crawling? (one get into heaven has to be as pure as child)  Tom |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, you and I should team up. I could be your straight man. You are much funnier than I. Maybe we could open in Vegas .next year Btw, a straight man may not mean the same to both of us ? What I mean by a straight man, he is the joke starter and the real funny guy takes over from there. The thingy about gravity getting stronger was some kind of a metaphor for someone getting older. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Or fatter. You might not have intended this to be funny, but you accidentally played my running joke with this one. The last two lines are just a little shruggish for me. (But I like an empahtic ending, so it's prolly just me.) I didn't get the "sadness" part--but then, my brain is prolly running interference with my personal take on it. Enjoyed it--but I'd probably work on the ending. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Huh? So, you don't want to talk about the rhythm? Well, okay. I thought it was cute. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Or fatter .” I hadn’t thought about that . No sadness was intended , your brain is OK. I am glad you enjoyed my poem and take my poems as needed You are right about the ending , but the poem is predicated on the last two lines. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, excuse my sarcasm. Please talk about anything you desire . I love it when you guys get going at it, I’m just not knowable enough to join in. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, Sir Brad wants me to put effort into other people's poems. So I choose yours to try my scalpel. You told me that I should not treat him as god. But He kept behaving like a god to me. So be prepared to read my criticizing of your poem tomorrow if I can sleep less tonight. Have a wonderful weekend sir. Tom |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, I’m like a Boy Scout, I’m always prepared. I’ve cut it off three times and its still to short. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, can't say such thing as "I’ve cut it off three times and its still to short". One can't cut sleeps to make night longer, can he? well, well,,,,,,,,,, Don't tell me that you only write poems at night....no wonder that they are all dark. I like you new poem. I'll spend my time on it. Tom |
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carnyspook Junior Member
since 2008-01-26
Posts 15Kentucky, United States of America |
I don't know if I have any right getting in the middle of your guys squabble. I think your poem was easy to read for an old uneducated hippie. Forgive me if I'm not in the critiqal mood.(I don't know if that's a word, if not I just made it up) |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Carnyspook, jump in anytime you want, the waters fine, but actually we were not squabbling . In fact they are some real nice folks. Thanks for your input, |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, just look how your poems provide the base for nicknames. Have a wonderful weekend, dear sir! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Chop, I didn't mention this before, but this is my personal favorite of your posted stuff. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I didn't mention this before, but this is my personal favorite of your posted stuff. “ Brad, thanks for mentioning the poem, it is my favorite kind to write. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
about old age or gravity, Chops? |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
not drunk, his gravity keeps him off his feet. --------------------------------------- The last two lines can be kept somehow, with their meter or beat being adjusted. Good poem chopsticks; reminds me of Ecclesiastes 11:9 -12:7 copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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