FIRST TIME POET- PLEASE READ AND COMMENT

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1poeticjustice
Junior Member

since 2008-02-04

Posts 14

0 posted 2008-02-05 03:49 PM

Gone

I think now that I will always love you
and wish for you everywhere.

For you see you were like no other.
No sun ever burned so bright as my lonely heart now longs to care.

Our was a love timeless, eternal, ethereal,
forever.

Two lives in love spent as wonderfully,
as any two loves in life could ever be.

And so it goes as if somehow it was meant to be
That in my losing you I have really lost me.

[This message has been edited by 1poeticjustice (02-07-2008 04:52 PM).]

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

1 posted 2008-02-05 08:33 PM

A warm welcome to this wonderful site.
I'll write more later.

dwgpoet
Member

since 2007-03-05

Posts 122
FL, USA

2 posted 2008-02-06 03:31 AM

This poem could explain Virginity
"losing you I have really lost me"

You ar not a first time poet now.
For your creating more poems... soon... now;

copyright dwgpoet 2007

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

3 posted 2008-02-07 08:21 AM

Welcome to PIP

Glad you are here.

For you first undertaking you chose the hardest and most written about subject EVER, lost love. Which is completely acceptable - we've all done it. In your next endeavors you may want to think of a couple of things:

-new subject perhaps - we can only be hacked at love for so long.
-decide on if you are going the free verse route - or did you want to try something more formal. I prefer the former, but if you are looking for advice about a more formal construct, there are plenty of people to help.

Again, welcome.

Dane

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

4 posted 2008-02-10 08:50 AM

WELCOME

Hi justice, your profile says no critique,
so legally no one should speak
But I will be a little snitch,
Brad must be sleeping at the switch.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2008-02-10 02:28 PM

Yeah, I was sleeping.

1poeticjustice,

Yeah, if you could go to your profile and turn that critique button on, it would make things easier around here. If you have any questions, let me know.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

6 posted 2008-02-12 10:28 AM

I mostly agree with Speak.

I wouldn’t get up out of the electric chair to try to write a love poem

I think your poem was pretty good and from the heart.

I played with your poem a little bit.

I think now, that I will always love you
and wish for you everywhere.

For you see you were like no other.
No sun ever burned so bright.

My lonely heart now longs to care.
Ours was a love ethereal and forever..

Two lives in love spent as wonderfully,
as any two loves in life could ever be.

And so it goes as if somehow it was meant to be,
that in my losing you I have really lost me.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2008-02-15 02:55 PM

I like the Vonnegut allusion, but the biggest problem I see is that you don't have very distinctive characters here. I don't see or feel anything for these two people.

Why not give us a reason to believe:

"And so it goes as if somehow it was meant to be
That in my losing you I have really lost me."

Show us what you mean by love.

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