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Critical Analysis #2
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A moment
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A moment |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Feeling sorry for many years for you with tears untill tonight I stared at fishtank and saw reflection of my face between the air on glass plates Those shells dried for so long if they had any memories that I were not the fish but story down Galveston beach. [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-02-2008 01:38 AM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, you have reached perfection with this one . Maybe you should considerer never writing another poem ,as it has to be down hill from here. Anyone who suggest that you change a word in this poem is either jealous or has never been to Galveston . Tom, I was joking about never writing again. You have reached a higher ground . To read this poem was one great way to start a new years. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I guess this is the point where I show my poetic ignorance. I didn’t like it. The fault is probably all mine though so I wouldn’t read too much into it. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Happy new years Grinch. You have had the new years a couple hours longer than I have and maybe I’ll come to my senses too. Maybe Tom will translate it for us. I read it as getting over a lost love affair after all these years with a person and a place. Thoses shells, if they could only talk |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I have to agree with Grinch on this one. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Chops, thank you for your kind words. Grinch and ah, dear sir Balladeer, Thank you for your reading and kindly left your true prints...which were already honors to me. I am quite happy  |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
The story..my friend promised me a red fish so I washed the tank and put some shells in it. The other night under a dim light I saw the reflections of my face on the glass panes both front and back. It was kind of interesting to see my face in an empty fish tank. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I won't say I didn't like it, but it's not quite as polished as I've come to expect from you, Tom. 'Feeling sorry for many years for you with tears' This is just weak and clumsy. The two 'for's are clunky (the 'for' in the first line could go) and without anything strong between the rhyme, years/tears is just.... lame. Sorry. 'utill tonight' typo... 'I stared at fishtank and saw reflection of my face between the air on glass plates Those shells dried for so long if they had any memories that I were not the fish but story down Galveston beach.' I actually think this works better without the first 4 lines. But I'm not sure what you mean by the last line? like... 'but [a] story down [at] Galveston beach?' Am I correct that Engish is a second laguage for you? Is this just a grammar misunderstanding issue? Otherwise, the body of the poem (aside from the first four lines) worked great for me, and had that brilliant simplicity you seem to be so good at... Hope this helped. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think Hush has it just about right. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, if you were just writing about a red fish, where did the tears and many years come from ? Why until tonight ? Where did the memories of Galveston beach come from ? Tom you didn’t chicken out did you ? You had the moment. Did you surrender ? Btw Ron, I am just talking about the poem. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Chops, good morning, "Tom, if you were just writing about a red fish, where did the tears and many years come from ?" A new year sigh! I do feel sorry for some people if not myself. " Why until tonight ? Where did the memories of Galveston beach come from ?" I indeed saw the reflection and had an eerie feeling. Those shells were from Galveston. Beach is place for many kind of romance but I can not relate to any of them. I imaged a love story-for Lady SB since she is in Taxes. "Tom you didn’t chicken out did you ?" No. I am very tough. I am not afraid words but tears. "You had the moment." you are right absolutely. A sorrow for myself. . "Did you surrender ?" why. One thing to tell you that this was the only poem I worked for 3 days. "Btw Ron, I am just talking about the poem." Sir Ron probably still party with his Armish neighbor. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you very much Hush for your read and the comment. I cherish them. You are very kind. And you are right English is my second language. The story, I wanted to say that "I were the story" ----- Feeling sorry for you for many years until tonight I stared at fish tank and saw reflection of my face between the air on glass plates Those shells being dried for so long if they had any memories that I were not the fish but a story down Galveston at beach. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
What's your first language, Tom? You do write very beautifully, and I believe that sometimes the syntax of one languang superimposed on another can create startling and beautiful results. That's usually the case with you. But. I'm still having problems with the last bit: 'if they had any memories that I were not the fish but a story down Galveston at beach.' I think it's difficult because 'if' is usually followed by some sort of 'then.' so... if they had any memories that I were not the fish but a story down Galveston at beach, then... what? or, to take an alternative approach, just can the 'if.' but I think the entire thing needs to be reworked to make it clear... Those shells dried for so long only memory remained I was not the fish but a story down at Galveston beach. Sorry, don't mean to rewrite you, but it's hard for me to explain what I mean without showing. It's just a suggestion. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, I have always known that English was not your first language maybe not even your second . But, your accent along with your genius for thought and word made your poetry so interesting . Your accent could go with most languages in the world that I don’t know ; so I hope you don’t tell us what language that is. If you, for example, said it was Italian , I would picture my brother-in-law the next time I read one of your delightful poems and I don’t want to do that. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
My dear chops, keep picturing that I were your brother-in-law when you read my poem.  |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
tomboy, apart from the first few lines, rests are beauties. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, I think folks are right about the first few lines here; you are right to have taken them out and to start the poem off on a more imagistic footing. I feel as though I'm being guided much more competently through the poem by the author's weightless hand. You seem to share your sense of orientation through the world of the poem without being intrusive in the least on the world of the reader. You lose this ability at the end of the poem I think because you're not quite sure how you want to say goodbye to the poem, to the world of the poem, and to the relationship you've generated with the reader inside that world. My experience is that saying goodbye at the end of a poem is like it used to be for me as a young child when it came time to go to bed. I always felt frightened, like I would never wake up to this experience again. I guess I fooled myself that waking up in the morning was going to be consolation. That's part of why I have difficulty ending poems; it's a little lesson in dying. Alas, it's the only way to allow the poems to live, isn't it? So, what's this little piece of your death going to be about, TomMark? You know that leaving the thing improperly finished is going to hurt worse. What's going to give this one the finish both you and the poem deserve? Those shells dried so long I don't think they remember water. That I am not one of the knotting fish; I am the story From down Galveston Beach. This one may be closer to my own personal demise than yours, TomMark, I don't know. It's my reading of how you're trying to get to the place you're going, more than the place itself, but if you find anything you like, please feel free to appropriate it. I very much admire the work you've done over the past few months, you know, getting more concrete and straightforward and more distilled. All my best TomMark. Keep on trucking! P.S. I was just reading some poems by Debra Greger, which I thought you might enjoy. She's more difficult to find on the web than a lot of other poets, but she has a wonderful vision that I thought might kindle something in you. You might be able to find something. Good luck! |
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