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Critical Analysis #2
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Maturing... [this one is cool!] =]]
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Maturing... [this one is cool!] =]] |
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SecretTemptation New Member
since 2007-11-23
Posts 8US |
This is just kinda cool... I ran away to my friends one night, and we spend the intire night doing poetry, lost in thought, and hopelessly rejected from sleep... lol, so i made this. and a few others.. but i like it.. whatta you fink?! ______________________________________________ What makes a baby into a child? The first time you smiled? When you first said her name... In that stupid "say mommy" game? What makes a child become a teen? When the cake candles spelt "13"? When you slammes the door in your mothers face? And ran away without a trace? When you first tried beer... Your morals - they disappear... When you first experimented with cocaine.. To try any escape some of the pain? When you finally gave into sex? To a guy who soon became your ex? What makes an adult from a teen? When your best friends death you've seen? When it seems you've been threw a bunch, Hearts shappered - youve seen too much? When you've loved and lost.. Your hopes and dreams you've tosed? The bills not getting paid.. Now needing financial aid? Now asking for a painful divorse? With furious force? What is it, that makes us mature? Is it the things we endure? The lessons we learn? Or the amount of respect we earn? Is it the amount of breaths we take.. Or how many friends we make... What is it, that turns a baby into a child - A child to a teen - Or a adult from a teen?! The Answers Remain Unseen.... I B l e e d W o r d s -- |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Temptation , welcome aboard, Were the question marks for a reason I’m missing ? Don’t take this to the bank , but a rhetorical question does not need a question mark and it tends to weaken the line, IMO. If I’m wrong, you will not have to wait to long to find out. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this has some ideas and lines worth exploring, but my suggestion would be to drop your rhyme scheme (the meter is all off and it seems forced). My personal suggestion would be to use rhyme occasionally... but there is a whole world of argument/dissent over that. At the very least, re-evaluate what you are trying to say, cut the filler, and reconsider your rhyme scheme. Hope this helped. |
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