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Critical Analysis #2
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My master
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My master |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
He questions my right to call him “my own”, rather he owns me and I should know, he is a harsh master, not to be taken at will. I love him more then chocolate and frills. Though he brings retribution and causes confusion, he is not to be taken at will. He left me alone, no ditties, no poems, in a desert grasping for stones. While I longed for a letter he said with great pleasure, “He is not to be taken at will.” Broken down in my desert I cried without measure till up from the humus he sprung, life with a promise of raptures and sonnets for I had learned, he was not to be taken at will “Who is your master?” you question with laughter, “It’s obvious”, says I, with a sob and a sigh, “for who else could be so fly?” My master, my muse, whichever you choose He is not to be taken at will. Stargal~ "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I have no idea why you want color here: "He questions my right to call him “my own”," --Great first line. I am immediately interested. "rather he owns me and I should know," --sounds great. Believe it or not, your first two line tell me you've got something here. "he is a harsh master, not to be taken at will." --Not great. Okay, I'm still with you, willing to go futher. The point being that maybe you will fight back. quote: And this? You can be ironic all you want, this ain't it. quote: Really? I figured that out a couple of lines ago. quote: And we're supposed to feel sympathy? Okay, a comic poem -- I get it now. My bad. After 'chocolate and frills'? quote: And maybe he did, maybe he didn't. You can't control him. quote: I don't see anything resembling a measure here. quote: so, we're talking about a vampire? I watched all seven seasons of Buffy. Believe me, Spike had better lines than this one. quote: The Count? quote: What does that mean? quote: Heh, pretending to be control, nice touch at the end, I suppose. He is not to be taken at will. Heh, I think you got me.  |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I didn’t want color, color just happened and I’m not smart enough to know how to change it Hmm… I’m a little disappointed, I wrote this 7-8 years ago now and I suppose I will always treasure this particular piece because it is one of the firsts and though that makes me biased, I had thought you would catch it, perhaps this time I’m the one whose to vague. My muse is my muse, he’s not a person and obviously he’s not a female deity, why must one suppose a muse to be female? Therefore I can love my muse as much as I love chocolate and frills and not feel guilt. I’m glad you liked the first two lines, my favorites, I’ve considered making a new poem out of them but… Buffy? I can’t say that I’ve watched the show often, I do admit to watching it though, and I think I should be insulted except for the fact that I asked for it and now I’ve gotten it. Lol You’ve never heard of “fly”? Hmm… it’s considered today’s version of “cool” or “sick”, although I think “cool” is on its way out? Now you’ve seen my faults Brad, where should I change? I suppose some would consider pointing them out enough but I do rather like suggestions too. Staral~ PS-That wasn't so harsh and that wasn't so scary, I rather like "real" comments  "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yeah, that's my problem. I want to be big and scary, hiding in the shadows, drooling-acid scary. But I'm more like Shrek. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Don't change the color. I think this is a much more sophisticated piece than a first glance shows, but the trick and the risk is that not many will see it. If you're prepared to deal with that, there isn't much I would change. You might want to clean up the meter. I think an argument can be made for heterometrics here, but I'm not the one who's going to make it. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I suppose one must always take the risk that someone will miss the point within and in the end you learn to deal with it, I don’t think much is going to change there. Although if it is to the benefit of the poem to change, which I believe if I want this to be taken seriously it is, then change is no doubt necessary and yet, I didn’t write this piece to be serious.I see potential for both ways but the question is which will show the poem to its full advantage in the end? I am among the undecided at the moment. You are right. I am the one who should be doing the arguing. Thank you for your comments. You make a nice Shrek. Stargal~ "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wow, Stargal so this is where you have been hiding I haven't seen you for eons  very strong peice... yes yes, I know I am ot a good critiquer hmm just wanted to say there u are Krysti |
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