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TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

0 posted 2007-11-24 02:16 PM

Why not pin your smile in the sky
of azure blue in jacket white?
Let moon shape your lips in crescent
and sun rest in your dreamy eyes.
"worry not" the wind of your breath
shall whisper "about sleepless night!"

[This message has been edited by TomMark (11-24-2007 03:29 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-11-24 05:09 PM

Hmmm, I don't know about this one. You lose a love of that 'mythic' moment here. If you wanted to expand it, I would stick with the ocean voyage.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

2 posted 2007-11-24 07:31 PM

Thank you for your comment, Sir Brad.

I shall write more...to TEACH "you" how to treat "me". Bad idea. HA ha ha.

I shall try. It is very hard to get everything right at the same time.

Thank you again, Sir Brad.

Tomtoo

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-11-24 07:59 PM

quote:
It is very hard to get everything right at the same time.

Tell me about it.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

4 posted 2007-11-24 08:27 PM

All right , sir Brad, to make you laugh.

First I write the first draft with my illusion. Then I have to carefully count and re-count the syllables (do I see Sir Balladeer checking between the lines?). Then read the stress and check up dictionary to get it right (no matter how hard I work, Sir Essorant will have a saying). And change and rearrange words with the help of Thesaurus and also rhymezone to get the rhyme right. And finally to read if that is what I originally want to express.(I shall keep this
private). Did I finish it right? no. I felt that my emotion (or feelings) is tied up by those formats. But I do sense the beauty of those styles...I'll continue to learn them.

It is hard for me

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2007-11-24 09:11 PM

I know, I understand. I have tried my hand at this stuff in other languages and failed miserably.

On the other hand, you have one advantage that is almost always overlooked.

You know how hard it is.

With that and without the weight of too many overused phrases, too many easy ways out of a tight situation, you may have more potential than any of us.

Look at Conrad or Nabakov.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2007-11-24 09:52 PM

Hi Tom

I like this. It is a pleasant little verse.

I made a few adjustments to try to make the meter flow a bit better:

Why not pin up your smile in skies
Of Azure blue in jacket white,
Let moon crescent your lips with light,
The sun rest in your dreamy eyes?
Your breath in breezes "have no fright"
Shall whisper "of the sleepless night!"

In wordings such as "pin up" "hold up" "hold on" "give in" etc, the second word takes the stress. Therefore the "up" after pin fits into iambic meter. The other thing I did was make the rhymes full "skies/eyes, white/light/fright/night. I also used crescent as a verb to make the line a bit more concise (but am wondering if it was correct to use it as stressed on the second syllable, as the word present when used as a verb?). Hope this helps a bit.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

7 posted 2007-11-24 10:09 PM

Thank you Sir Brad for understanding!!

And Thank you, Sir Essorant, or it is you, Sir Essorant, I am glad that you read it. And I thank you for your comment, a delicate, magic touch to shine it. Thank you again.

Now, I am happy.

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