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TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

0 posted 2007-11-24 01:19 AM

You let out such a heavy, charming sigh
that slowly floats out color mist around
my finger tips and my eyes of tonight
when they are tracing in silence along
those curved spider lines of smiling and cry
on your face of affectionate aging song.


Those many tender hands of my warm heart
roll the mist into soft clouds of rainbow.
One by one I quietly plant in your mind.
They'll soon  bloom into dreams of fantasy.
If not,  let them rain to melt you through.
Then I'll be a little sail leading you
toward the ocean faraway in Sun
to make you happy drunk and dream undone.

[This message has been edited by TomMark (11-24-2007 12:54 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2007-11-24 08:11 AM

Tomtoo, that is a charming poem. I have never heard it said as tender as you say it in that first stanza.

Those last two lines of the first stanza made me see rainbows.

I take it that English is your second language and you write it with an accent that is priceless.

This link may be helpful. My brother-inlaw who is German use it a lot.
http://www.freetranslation.com/

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2007-11-24 12:29 PM

I really like this- the imagery is soft and effective, and the poem flows almost flawlessly for me. The only line that stuck out as awkward was:

'One by one I plant in your brain of smart'

Brain of smart is just an ungainly phrase, and I'm not sure I even really see where you're going with it.

I absolutely love the last line though- you have a knack for those.

hope this helped.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

3 posted 2007-11-24 12:57 PM

Thank you Chops and Hush. Hush, you are right. I did it for the rhyme now I changed it. Thank you again.

Chops, why translate? which language do you want? I have no talent at all in playing words, ya know.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

4 posted 2007-11-24 02:17 PM

"I have no talent at all in playing words, ya know."

This poem says different.

I didn't learn English until I was nine years old and I thought I detected something in this poem .

Sorry about the translation , I don’t want to tick off to many poets this morning

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

5 posted 2007-11-24 03:26 PM

Hi, Chops, do please not worry about what you have said. I am glad that you read it.

And Don't I want to climb on the Bar of Brad?

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2007-11-24 03:31 PM

I thought "charming" too. It's just so shy and sweetly diminutive. The phrasing used word combinations I am not accustomed to but they work, very well.

Loved it.

"on your face of affectionate aging song."

This is so delicate. I am envious of this one TM.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2007-11-24 05:05 PM

I want to echo the applause here. Charming is precisely the word.

Question: If poetry is completely subjective, then why do so many share the same reaction to the same words?

At any rate, I'm posting a minor revisionist piece for your perusal. It is not meant as anything more than a suggestion or suggestions:

quote:
You let out such a heavy, charming sigh
that slowly floats out, color mist around
my finger tips and my eyes of tonight,
when they are tracing in silence along
those curved spider lines of smiling, cry
on your face an affectionate aging song.

I don't know, take a look at it, see what you think.

quote:
Those many tender hands of my warm heart
roll the mist into soft clouds of rainbow.[quote]

This has to be one of the few places where I didn't physically cringe at the word 'rainbow'. You have mythic image going here.

[quote]One by one I quietly plant in your mind.
They'll soon bloom into dreams of fantasy.

Ah, the danger of critiquing. Probably the weakest part of the whole poem. The suggestion was right to my ear and I don't want you to go back, but something has been lost in the process. Advice: always keep a copy of everything.

quote:
If not, let them rain to melt you through.
Then I'll be a little sail leading you
toward the ocean faraway in Sun
to make you happy drunk and dream undone.

There's something about that 'little' that is wonderful. I don't know, perhaps it's just difficult to call yourself diminutive. I don't know.

I was worried about 'happy drunk' but the more I think about it, read it, think about it, the more I think it should stay.

Good luck and the best to your family.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

8 posted 2007-11-24 07:11 PM

Thank you SB for your kind words.

Thank you Brad for the comments. I wrote and re-wrote 7-8 times on paper. The last version was here. I shall take your suggestion and your revision as a final copy and save it on my computer. (I have not save a copy yet...silly me). Thank you again.

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