»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Lillith
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Lillith |
|
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
I posted this in the Dark Poetry section but I didnt get any real replies. This is a song I wrote for my band. Feel free to post your opinions and make sure to give advice. Well! Theres a sinister serenity, About her dark divinity, Waiting like an enemy, To carry me away! A voice as sweet as roses, All the fake smiles, all the poses, With one eye shut, the other closes, And she carries me away! Got carried away by a demon in disguise, Now it's got me by the throat, But I won't cry, Lord knows why, This demons got a reason to gloat... 'Cause it broke my heart... I'm addicted to addiction, And this demon, and this vixen, Put me under crucifixtion, It's eating me alive! Is this a curse? No, its a blessin' Got me cursed with this obbsession, Guess it's time I learned my lesson, This demon's eating me alive! Got carried away by a demon in disguise, Now it's got me by the throat, But I won't cry, Lord knows why, This demons got a reason to gloat... 'Cause it broke my heart... It broke my heart(this demon) It broke my heart(this demon) It broke my heart(this demon) This demon broke my heart and its eating me alive! There's a sickly sweet perfume, The smell of blood paints the room, Ive opened up the gates of doom, And Im throwing this demon back! But Im addicted to addiction, And Im cursed with an obbsession, And in the eyes of this new vixen, I see that demon coming back! ...Well hey Halajuhlua! Come and get me Cupid... .........Ill be waiting for the poison.... Gods and Demons, |
||
| © Copyright 2007 J. Maree - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Shake. Lyrics seem to be a much more comfortable form for you. I can't hear the music in your head, of course, but these lyrics have a rhythm that would fit with a tune. A question: Why do you think it is that when you post in Dark you don't get any meaningful replies? A suggestion: Write everything in a word processing program and run it through spell check. Ignore it when it doesn't like things like "blessin'," but ponder why it screams at "Halajuhlua!" It's not a bad word if you're just playing with the sound. "Halajuhlula" might sound even better. Best, Jim |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
As we already know, few songs are about consistent rhyme and meter, and often rely heavily on assonance. There are lots of really good songs out there which, if critiqued on poetic form alone, would have died long before their initial studio sessions. With that said, there’s not much that a poetry critic will be able help you with but it’s not difficult to imagine that there is indeed a song here by the way you’ve arranged it. I can only hope you get the music right, since that will be the main ingredient in this case. Lots of luck. Sid |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Actually O, I did put this in a processor, Microsoft Word is pretty good for this kind of thing. Halajulha(Dont know of I spelled it right here) was spelled correctly in the song. I was messing around with sarcasm and the sound of the word when I threw Halajulha in there. It means praise the Lord, however, its sarcastic in that Im actually saying Im sick of this, why cant the Lord do something about it. The last three lines are separate from the rest of it, and are merely spoken word, not sang. I believe I dont get many replies because I dont reply much. Usually my replies are a bit... analytical, so I cant really reply much in the other forums without making someone mad. I like CA because I can be as harsh as I want. As for the good luck, thank you. However, Im really looking for more of a peer edit kind of thing. Id like someone to read this song, and break it down as if it were a poem. Being the person that wrote it, I see it as perfect. A third party observer might see the flaws in it. This is going on an album, so I really dont want it to be flawed in any way. Thanks, and Im still looking for feedback! Gods and Demons, Keys, Lyrics, and Vocals ~Shake |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
If you’re looking to build a flawless song or album, again, good luck! It hasn’t been done yet. If you’re looking for critique on this piece as a poem, there’s simply too much to address and it would take more time than I’d personally care to spend. I’d rather spend it judging poems wherein the author already understands metrics and rhyme as they relate to poetry--and that one can’t necessarily apply the same formula to song writing. Further, if you’re using Word, why are you still making basic errors? Mine caught five misspellings in your latest reply alone, apart from grammatical errors, which it doesn’t always point out. |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
I dont use word for replies... that would be flat out time wasting and inefficient. Thank you anyway Gods and Demons, |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Did anybody else get a little shock here? Is this about Karen? |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well it wouldn't surprise me.  I was smiling all the way through--but hey, I have been accused of being Lilith before. and tsk..this is one of those times I wish this were a more adult forum, since I did write a poem from the viewpoint of Lilith--decidedly wildly inappropriate for...well, just about everyplace at Pip. It's locked behind a closed door someplace I think.  I loved the poem, and agree that sing-song lyrical quality (which I adore and do myself) is very prevalent here. And OH. Just an interesting sidenote--if Essorant is reading, I heard the other night that the etymology of the word Lullabye can be traced to an old Jewish custom of protection of babies in their cribs--I don't know the spelling but it broke down to something that sounded like--Lillith Aviv--which supposed meant "go away Lillith" and we unknowingly correspond to that old folk custom when we sing "Lullabyes" to our children at night. So yeah, it wouldn't surprise me if this was about me. *laughing* I AM all over the place.  You guys just go to sleeeeeep....  *Karen collapses laughing* Loved the poem sweetie. |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
ROFL, no this is not, but this is about two girls who are both very important to me. (One a bit more than the other...) I might tell the story later, but Im sleepy now, and I want to go play with my new iPod Touch! Gods and Demons, |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Ah. So I was just being Karenoid.  |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
lol! Yes you were. Im on my iPod Touch right now. It has internet!!! Gods and Demons, |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Shake, have a nice day . [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-24-2007 10:09 AM).] |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Yes I know how to cut, copy, and paste. I seriously doubt many normal people use Word for replies on ANY forum. I have a life outside of Piptalk, and frankly I dont care what you think about my replies. I simply wish for you to judge my poetry accordingly, based on what makes a poem and not the oh so small technicalities. Forgive me if I sound rude, but I am getting a bit tired of wasting thread space talking about the grammatical errors in my replies. Brad, could you please delete all the replies that do not give advice or opinions on Lillith? Thanks Gods and Demons, |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Shake, I hear you loud and clear. Brad, please delete my reply to Shake. Thank you, |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Critiquing songs is incredibly hard to do, without knowing the songwriter's plan for the music. Any line can be sung in many different ways with different accents and made to sound completely different. I have the book Blackbird by McCartney, which is a collection of poetry, many of which theBeatles turned into million sellers but, if I were to look at them without knowing the music I would have said, "This one doesn't work at all". (That's why they are famous and I'm not ) Way back in the early 70's I saw the sheet music for In A Gadda da Vida and said, "No way!" Same with Wooly Booly" How about 25 or 6 to 4? I'll try to point out what I see without knowing which way you are musically constructing it. The numbers in parenthesis are the syllables per line, which mean a lot less in a song than in a poem, once again depending on the musical composition. Theres a sinister serenity,........(9) About her dark divinity,............(8) Waiting like an enemy,...........(7) To carry me away!..................(6) Got carried away by a demon in disguise,...(12) Now it's got me by the throat,.....................(7) But I won't cry, Lord knows why,.................(7) This demons got a reason to gloat..............(7) 'Cause it broke my heart.............................(5) The last line just doesn't make it for me. Rhymically it doesn't fit in and, metaphorically, the "broke my heart" is an overrused phrase in songs that has little punch to it. Being the last line in the stanza, it should have greater impact. I'm addicted to addiction,........................(8) And this demon, and this vixen,..............(8) Too stilty with the "and...... and...." I would suggest something like "And this demon, evil vixen" Put me under crucifixtion,.......................(8) It's eating me alive!.................................(6) Is this a curse? No, its a blessin'............(9) Got me cursed with this obbsession,.......(8) Guess it's time I learned my lesson,........(8) This demon's eating me alive!..................(8) Got carried away by a demon in disguise,...(12) Now it's got me by the throat,.....................(7) But I won't cry, Lord knows why,................(7) This demons got a reason to gloat..............(7) 'Cause it broke my heart............................(5) It broke my heart(this demon).....................(7) It broke my heart(this demon) It broke my heart(this demon) This demon broke my heart and its eating me alive!..(13) There's a sickly sweet perfume,.............(7) The smell of blood paints the room,........(7) The meter is completely off here, poetically. It all depends how you fashion the song. If you are going to sing "the smell of BLOOD paints the ROOM" it doesn't work well but if you are going with "the SMELL of BLOOD PAINTS the ROOM" it works. Ive opened up the gates of doom,...........(8) And Im throwing this demon back!..........(8) But Im addicted to addiction,.................(9) And Im cursed with an obbsession,,,,....(8) And in the eyes of this new vixen,.........(9) I see that demon coming back!.............(8) ...Well hey Halajuhlua! Come and get me Cupid... .........Ill be waiting for the poison.... None of this works for me. The song deserves a better ending, imho. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As Balladeer already said, you usually can't fairly critique a song without the music. All you can do with any validity is say this might work given suitable music. But truthfully, almost any garbage lyrics can work, given suitable music. Since we don't have the music here, what we can do is critique it as poetry. It is pretty common for song lyrics to fall short as poetry. This one is no exception. But, yes, it could work given suitable music. Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr |
||
|
Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Eh, I dont think Ill post music on here anymore. Ill stick to poetry on Pip. Still, thanks for those of you who at least attempted it. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
...and so it shall be. Best to you  See why your thread was a little on the unrealistic side, Brad? |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Do you mean Brad's "Enough" thread? Why would you call it "unrealistic"? |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
That is interesting, Serenity. But I think that may be a bit of "folk etymology". Lullabye is more commonly said to be from (a form of) lull, as at etymonline.com: lullaby c.1560, lulley by, from M.E. lollai, lullay, from lullen (see lull). Second element perhaps from by-by "good-by." |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
