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flower stompers
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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flower stompers |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
a swan dive from door to door swallowing heartbeats and heatstrokes we built promises like callouses but we keep biting at them bathe in the chaotic and the temporary deconstruction of our construction sites to tear ourselves down and to rebuild suprises reanimating our arms and our mysteries let the sweat consume us beneath the wrinkling covers as we share something we're used to -mr blister [This message has been edited by blister (08-17-2007 01:53 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 travis cummings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
I confess, you lost me on this one. I don't think "calloustes" is a word. Did you mean 'callouses'? You have a flair for vivid images and metaphors. You have a lot of motion and energy in the lines, but they read disjointed. . The last 3 lines work very well. I would like to see some exposition to connect the swan dive, the heart beats and the callouses. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I want to play with this a bit: A swan dive from door to door swallowing heartbeats and heatstrokes, we built promises like callouses. Bathe in the chaotic and the temporary to tear ourselves down, rebuild suprise, reanimate mystery. Let the sweat consume us beneath the wrinkling covers as we share something we're used to. Please excuse my impertinence, but I saw something different here, perhaps too different for you to use, but something nevertheless. |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
Brad tells me I should dig so here I am. I very much enjoyed this piece. |
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