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b.costen
Member

since 2003-11-02

Posts 107
ontario, CAN

0 posted 2007-11-08 02:15 PM

you can’t do photography of the tigers in your dreams
two stressed out people
talk to each other on cell phones
take a walk up besserer st in the downtown rain
let in that smell of decay on leaf—
seeps into cement
you will think the
world is ending when
the fires burn away your home

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-11-21 03:44 PM

I like the title. I'm not sure what it means but it sounds nice.

quote:
you can’t do photography of the tigers in your dreams

Good first line, it grabs me. Given the rest of the poem though, it's too long. Break it up at 'photography' or perhaps even better rewrite the rest of the poem.

quote:
two stressed out people

This kind of juxtaposition is often a powerful move, but I'm stuck -- what value does this have by itself?

quote:
talk to each other on cell phones

And very common these days, we have the start of an image, but so quickly after the opening line, I'm left wondering why it took two lines to get there (it is a short poem after all.)

quote:
take a walk up besserer st in the downtown rain

I remember your distaste for punctuation and caps, but here is a prime example of why you should have them. 'besserer st' looks like a mistake. Is this what you want the reader to think?

and still, we have little movement in the poem, we now have four lines of set up in an extremely short poem. I suspect most readers will need a little more 'punch' by this time.

quote:
let in that smell of decay on leaf—

A switch or a bait and switch.

quote:
seeps into cement

The two above lines are a nice image, but you do nothing with it. At this point, we have random images placed in a random combination. This can work, it has worked before, the biggest question you need to ask yourself is why isn't it working here?

quote:
you will think the
world is ending when
the fires burn away your home

Perhaps you will, perhaps you did, but right now you have another random point. With a little intellectual jujitsu I can make it cohere, but part of me is left with the feeling that that would be useless.

I don't want to do that and that is the fault of the poem, not me.

It looks like you started out inspired and got bored along the way and surprise, surprise so will most readers.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

2 posted 2007-11-26 05:56 PM

I love the title and that first line.

Most of it works for me actually. I don't know what Brad means by intellectual jujitsu. I see the narrator as watching the various pictures, but troubled by his own 'dreams'. The final lines tell us why he's doing what he's doing.

It may be going too far, but the narrator seems to be in a kind of shock.

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