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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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untitled(confused) |
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openmind Junior Member
since 2007-11-05
Posts 12 |
I lie myself down as the rain hits the window I lie my head down as the pain hits my pillow Lonely again as I drown myself In tears Only pretend that I can cloud away my fears And sometimes I wish I had an ear to confide in And sometimes it's as if my fears make me go into hiding How can I cope with the troubles of today And how do I approach when I have noting to say The clock ticks to fast it seems I'm forever chasing The plot thicks can I last, my dreams are slowly fading.. |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
It sounds alright. The only things I'd change would be the typos: "I lie myself down as the rain hits the window I lie my head down as the pain hits my pillow Lonely again as I drown myself In tears Only pretend that I can cloud away my fears And sometimes I wish I had an ear to confide in And sometimes it's as if my fears make me go into hiding How can I cope with the troubles of today And how do I approach when I have nothing to say The clock ticks too fast, it seems I'm forever chasing The plot thicks, can I last, my dreams are slowly fading.." I added a couple punctuations to it, but it seems good. However, this line: "And sometimes it's as if my fears make me go into hiding" doesn't seem to flow right; too many syllables. But if you drop the "into" it would work fine, or try something else with less syllables. Other than that, I'd say it's fine. Good work.  Oh, and I should add. Sometimes when dealing with a work that's rather large (more than 4/5 lines, depending on the length of the lines themselves) it could help the rhythm (and even allow you to completely change the rhythm) if you break it into segments, or verses. That's just a suggestion; it's quite fine as one body.  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I would have a problem with the near-rhymes...window/pillow...confide in/hiding....chasing/fading. I know that they are considered acceptable but, to me, it takes away from the quality. It is also not a good idea to begin too many lines with "and". It should be done as sparingly as possible. You have 10 lines and 3 of them begin with that word, almost a third of the poem. The misspellings need to be corrected.....noting/nothing....to/too...and plots don't thick, they thicken. Other than that, what are you trying to say in the poem? If it's a poem about one's inability to cope with life in today's world, there are many of them. What should make your poem stand out over them? When you come up with a reason, you will have a better poem |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
We still need you to turn on your 'accepts constructive critiques' in your profile. Mike, C'mon, 'tears/fears' or 'to say/today are stronger than 'confide in/-to hiding? That's probably the strongest part of the whole poem. Not all couplets need be heroic. And thank your gods that they aren't. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Balladeer, I didn't think the three and's were much compared to the eleven occurances of "I" ! |
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