»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Lost
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Lost |
|
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Is that my heart in your trembling hands? It's still bumping and dripping blood. Is that my lung on your shoulder? It's still breathing the best wish Is that my brain chained to your waist? It's still spiking my dim thought Is that my soul between your teeth? it is srcreaming for all the pain and why left my skeleton to the wind to sing to the lightless sky and to hug the limitless night? You may say anything! |
||
| © Copyright 2007 TomMark - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this has some really interesting images, especially the ending of it... You may want to review and clean it up... for example, shouldn't the heart be pumping, not bumping?  'Is that my soul between your teeth? it is srcreaming for all the pain' Please, please, please cut this- there are like three huge cliche's in those two lines alone, ruining the creativity in the rest of the poem. Stick with the tangible body part theme... it works. 'and why left my skeleton to the wind to sing to the lightless sky and to hug the limitless night?' Maybe 'and why did you leave my skeleton...' would work better... as is, the grammar is jumbled and the meaning unclear, and that doesn't seem to be what you're going for. The last two lines are brilliant and an absolutely excellent way to end the poem. Hope this helped. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
thank you. Hush. I will think about it. It was the first draft. =================== Is that my heart in your trembling hands? It's still pumping and dripping blood. Is that my lung on your shoulder? It's still wishpering the last wish Is that my brain chained to your waist? It's still spiking my dim thought why did you leave my skeleton to the wind to sing to the lightless sky and to hug the limitless night? and where do you put my soul? |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, at times my heart bumps .On occasion when my horse is winning by 16 lengths in the stretch or a beautiful senorita smiles at me, my heart goes BOOM-BOOM-BOOM. Maybe I don’t know what a real cliché is ; but I don’t think I saw one in the poem. Now the bad news, I don’t like gory poems, it’s all I can do to read ~The Raven~ |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chopsticks...don't scare yourself. It can be a love poem. the feeling of separation. 1. some one took the talker's love 2. some one took the talk's breath 3. Some one occupied the talker's mind 4. Some one took the talker's soul Tomtoo |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"It can be a love poem" Tom, if you say so, I do like your new signature " Tomtoo " |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, Tom, it can be a love poem but a macabre one, at best. I have a hard time with the visuals.. The heart in the hand is fine until I see the dripping blood. A lung on the shoulder? THAT has to be sloppy and I've never heard of that one. A brain chained to the waist? Double yucky! I'm afraid whatever thoughts these visuals are made to represent, the visuals themselves kill them before they have a chance. Wes craven would like it, though...  |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chopsticks...I am sorry that you don't like my poem and my penname. But do please seriously try to stay on the lyric track!!! and plus, chopsticks is a too"l" too. where is your poem anyway? Tomtree |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
dear Sir Balladeer, did somebody say that your specialty was counting meters? And Obviously, you did not sense the creulty. Tomtoo |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Yes, Tom, meter is my specialty but,since that is not present here, I also discuss how the poem strikes me. I hope you meant the cruelty in the poem and not my reply because I never inject cruelty. Cruelty in the poem would be negated by the vision of a lung being balanced on a shoulder  [This message has been edited by Balladeer (11-05-2007 12:20 AM).] |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear sir Balladeer, Never been to a farm, right? Tomtoo |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, what kind of a farm ? I can prove I’m not crazy, I have discharge papers from a well respected mental hospital . |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Uh, well, I liked it. A horror love poem is exactly what's needed this time of year. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
you are lying, Brad! No meters, no rhyme, how do you like it? I am trying to rewrite it with meters. I am still learning! |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No, I'm not lying. If you want to write in rhyme/meter by all means keep trying. But I don't read poems for the meter or the rhyme, nor do I consider those necessary for any poem I like. You have an interesting piece here. I see no reason why you should tone it down or play to the forces of 'shouldness'. It should be like this and it is good if it were like this are often confused. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you,fo rhte encouragement, dear sir Brad. Have a very nice weekend!!!! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
