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nevermore93
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 73

0 posted 2007-10-27 12:08 PM

here are two seperate poems i want to be critiqued.
Please be honest, but dont be rude.

___________________________________________________
SHADOW

There is a shadow that preys on each of us.
It brings to us a fear beyond imagination.
Its dark radiance haunts and chills our spines
and our own fears destroy us in time
We are paralyzed by its great influence
the time will come when the shadow consumes us.

With its unending power over the human mind,
the shadow manipulates our every emotion.
Sanity becomes something that transcends time.
For the shadow posseses your entire being
It will control you till you lose your mind
And in the end you find yourself alone
watching the rest of your life pass by.

This shadow that follows our every move,
knows too well the secrets we hold dear.
It abuses our thought and twists out minds.
The terror it create through deadly premonitions
will cast us into oblivion, where fear rules our lives.

___________________________________________________

RESURRECTION

To breathe again is such a burden
Feeling these things again is such a pain
Having to hear humanity cry out for help,
with all its suffering is torture beyond the grave

I though i escaped this world but i've returned.
How could my peaceful end be so easily overturned.

Now i must suffer again the same fate.
the world will throw on me its burdens.
It has disturbed my only peace for it own purpose.
I know not how long I will be disturbed.
But for now I am awoken, to end the suffering
which I had escaped.

Now I face this suffering, back from the grave.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-10-27 01:30 AM

Besides a typo or two (they're not a big deal and easy to fix), the biggest problem I see is that 'Shadow' is maddeningly vague.

quote:
There is a shadow that preys on each of us.
It brings to us a fear beyond imagination.
Its dark radiance haunts and chills our spines
and our own fears come to full reallization.

Once 'our fears come to full realization' we tend to stop fearing things. In this sense, the shadow is both the bringer and taker of fear. Is that what you're trying to say here?

quote:
This shadow that follows our every move,
knows too well the secrets we hold dear.
It abuses our thougths for its own ambitions,
of causing us terror by means of deadly premonitions.

Here we have a hint of something, of premonitions that cause us fear. I like the idea and wonder if you might consider expanding this point. Fear paralyzes us precisely because it is always a premonition.

It's a good point and one I don't think I've read in those terms before.

quote:
With its unending power over the human mind,
the shadow manipulates our every emotion.
Sanity becomes something that transcends time.
And in the end you find yourself alone
watching the rest of your life pass by.

I like the middle line 'Sanity becomes something that transcends time' but am at a loss to see where it fits in the rest of the poem. Perhaps, the idea is that the shadow is a kind of possession? It takes over your body and the only thing you can do is watch what happens as your life is ruined.

It's an interesting idea but trying to get all of that to work strikes me as a BIG PROJECT.

If your interested in help with the mechanics and stuff, we can help you with that too. You're meter's off and think you should drop the random rhyme: ambition/premonition

Really, I would tease out the idea more, try to clarify it.

nevermore93
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 73

2 posted 2007-10-27 01:34 AM

thanx brad for the advice, im gonna rework it to make it better.

btw, the poem ressurection what did you think of it

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

3 posted 2007-10-27 10:06 AM

Hi 93, I did like “Shadow” a lot . I wasn’t ready for oblivion in the second stanza. My one

suggestion is to drop the second stanza or switch it with the third.

I get it. You had to have been there.

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