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Critical Analysis #2
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The Aussie Word Spinner
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Aussie Word Spinner |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia 
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I Haven't Posted In Here Before.. I Have Taken One Of My Poems That I Have Posted In Teen and I Would Like You To Comment On It.. Thank you in Advance... The Aussie Word Spinner I’m the word spinner, the Aussie wonder And I write the poems that pull you under. My long brown hair lies upon my face My life seems shattered and fragile like lace Let me take you back when my skirt was short and I barley wore attire I wanted to let go of life but I was too young to retire I’m going to take you on one hell of a journey from America to Australia Here you’ll learn all there is about me and why I’m afraid of failure So Sit down be quite you have nothing to lose Your in my capture now and it’s your blood I will let ooze It’s my pain that’s eating me away and theirs nothing you can do Except sit here silently hoping I wont hurt you Your not to blame for how I feel I just need somebody to help me heal A soul so evil will leave your life a mess As your blood dries the pain from my body so lifeless If you were there to help me when I asked for it I wouldn’t be in a million pieces and all shattered to bits I would be happy with my life and ready to be alive I wouldn’t be alone of a Friday night; I’d be having lessons on jive I’m the word spinner, the Aussie wonder And I write the poems that pull you down under Its now time for me to dine You’re my victim and Revenge Will Be Mine |
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| © Copyright 2007 A Typical Aussie Chick - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, to be honest, you never get into the meat of the thing. I can see this as a humorous intro to a book or something, but ultimately your character seems more interested in boasting that she's had a more horrible life than you, the non-defined reader, has. That's a recipe for trading horror stories about whose life is worse. It'll begin with "Oh yeah, you think that's bad, well . . ." Is that where you want to go? |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
I’m going to take you on one hell of a journey from America to Australia Here you’ll learn all there is about me and why I’m afraid of failure um, when? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
That is beyond too wordy. It is ultra wordy. A gigantic stumbling block, if you will. Always read your poems out loud 3-5 times before posting them, saves us busy work. Valedictions, -Paul |
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Verg Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 52Colorado |
WHATEVER I think yall r just jealous because she can write beautiful poetry and yall can't |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Somehow, I can live with that criticism. But, honestly, show where we're wrong. |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
brad, pls crtique my poem shadow on this forum. my account now allows for constructive criticism. id appreciate it |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
the poem is caled "shadow" |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Rev, excuse me I was laughing so about 93 I can hardly type. I think you have a good idea ; but to write that kind of humor it has to rhyme. There were some lines that are funny. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-27-2007 11:48 AM).] |
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