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Green Teeth
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Green Teeth |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Green Teeth. In Edinburgh the children’s teeth are green, The color of a soft day’s moss, each face Scabbed red on slate; noses, philtrums, skinned To holly berry sheen by rough wool sleeves. They’re kicked aside as one would kick an idle Dog or inconvenient cat. It’s coppers That they want, a couple pence for bread. And, while it is scant burden, they are pushed Aside instead. Just human chaff, and not Unique. Aplomb is founded on the thought That children can be sold, ignored, or bought. [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (10-25-2007 06:45 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jim Aitken - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, you are the master of subtle. I‘m your token stupid on this one. "No mama no papa no chow-chow." That is what the green teeth waifs say when they hold out their hungry little hands. "A writer's sharp and subtle moral sense" [This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-25-2007 05:50 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, you have said, “ Don't scan in any particular way. On the other hand, they "read out loud" quite fine!” Could it be that you just know how to read poetry ? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, except for L3 and a couple of acceptable variations, it scans acceptably as IP. Maybe that's why it "reads out loud fine." |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
In Ed in burgh the chil dren’s teeth are green, / x / x / x / x / x This is the first time I have ever done this and I doubt that I will ever do it again. Is it right ? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Chopsticks, Put the slashes where the x's are, and the x's where the slashes are, then it shall be right. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Essorant, I sincerely thank you . Now I are one. Poetry is as about as difficult as working high voltage hot. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
You are welcome.
What?
What do you mean? It is easy? It may be so easy at least to write what meets the minimum of being "poetry", but it is not so easy to write good and strong poetry. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chops, Ess, and Not A Poet/ My notion that there is poetry which doesn't scan in any particulary was was a reference from another thread taken out of context here. This once scans on purpose, and Ess read the line exactly. As to L3, I can see a reading of "Scabbed red" as two stressesd syllables, making it oddball. I can also see reading it as "scabbed RED" making it less odball. It still contains a sneaky. The lines are frequently enjambed. Since most of what I write in IP is frequently enjambed, I wonder if this might not be more of a stylistic quirk than failing.? I think I've also said before that if you know the rules, the beauty is that you get to break them. Thank you for your comments. Jim  [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (10-25-2007 06:03 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think Not A Poet meant the lack of syllable in line three. As far as the stresspattern goes though I believe one may consider the pause between "slate" and "noses" as an invisible unstress or "virtual offbeat": / (x) / Slate, noses |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Essorant, “ Now I are One “ was another attempt of mine to be funny: This kid comes home from college tells his father, four years ago I couldn’t even spell engineer “ Now I are one “ The kid now drives a taxi in Boston . |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I liked this but which Edinburgh are you talking about Jim, is it the city in Scotland? If so you may have a couple of problems. Scabbed red on slate, noses, snot troughs, skinned I think this would work better without the “snot troughs” it brings the speaker down from the pedestal he\she is preaching from, why not use philtrum, it is after all the name of that particular part of the body. It also gives the reader some work to do. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Grinch! I didn't use the word philtrum because I didn't know it. The city is Edinburgh, but about the time of Dickens, a soot blackened impoverished city. I was looking at old photographs at the time. As far as I can tell, the poem doesn't mean anything other that what it says. I'm not sure though, that being literal is all that easy. Best, Jim |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- OK, revised the line per Ess with a semi-colon, the cesura being the "missing" syllable. Nifty catch, that one, it being one of those playful things I like. I don't know if it's a playful thing that worked, though, since it bothered others as well. And revised with Grinch's "philtrum." I love words that are "new" to me, and cheerfully co-opt them. Best, Jim |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Jim, I recognised from the description it was pre-welfare state, the 19th century fits just fine, the problem with Edinburgh is more in the pronunciation, it has four syllables rather than the three previously suggested. The other little niggle is the use of “cents”, I can understand it as one American describing a scene to another American, which may be what you were aiming for but it comes across as a lack of understanding from my (English) perspective. It depends what you’re trying to portray, as a social comment about Edinburgh in the 19th century if you used farthing or coppers or even shilling or tuppence I’d be more inclined to believe that the speaker knew what he\she was talking about and so lend more credence to what they were saying. That said as a simple reflection after viewing some photographs it works. BTW I only found out what the upper lip thing was called by searching the net for an alternative to “snot troughs”. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Grinch: OK, I'll buy that. Changed it again. Apparently, Scots swallow consononants, American's swallow vowels. Best, Jim |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
how can i turn on the ability for someone to critically analyze my poems, such as a moderator. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Go to the MEMBERS AREA link at the top of the page then select CHANGE PROFILE Sorry for the interruption Jim |
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