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Critical Analysis #2
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Everything is wild
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Everything is wild |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I was playing jaw bone poker, In the rec. room downtown at Joe;s . Friday night is, the dealers choice, So you better keep on your toes. The game starts off boring and slow. Will it get better, I don’t know ? There’s a story of this gal in red. So it’s been told, so it’s been said That Friday night, that hottest gal took an empty seat next to my pal She said, this game it’s everything wild The first man over, wins that pile. She dealt them cards greased lighting fast. She was first over , I was last. revised I was playing jaw bone poker, In the board room downtown at Joe;s . Friday night is, the dealers choice, So you better keep on your toes. The game starts off boring and slow. Will it get better, I don’t know ? There’s a story of this gal in red. This I do know. This I have said That Friday night, that hottest gal took an empty seat next to my pal She said, this game it’s everything wild The first man over, wins that pile. She dealt them cards greased lighting fast. She was first over , I was last. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-23-2007 09:41 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
I like this piece. It reminds me of a strip poker game a long time ago. The dealer was drawing cards before she discarded and I was too distracted to notice. A few suggestions: I was playing jaw bone poker, In the rec. room downtown at Joe;s . Friday night is, the dealers choice, So you better keep on your toes. I suggest "back room" in L2. The comma in L3 is not needed. The game starts off boring and slow. Will it get better, I don’t know ? There’s a story of this gal in red. So it’s been told, so it’s been said This stanza is weak and doesn't help you. L2 & L4 need to be scrapped or reworked That Friday night, that hottest gal took an empty seat next to my pal She said, this game it’s everything wild The first man over, wins that pile. This is the best part. The lines read smooth and natural. She dealt them cards greased lighting fast. She was first over , I was last. This part makes it sound unfinished. Other notes: You need to edit for grammar and typos. Kill the caps at the beginning of lines unless its the start of a sentence. Type II poet. Its worth the work. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bronze, thanks for the reply. I try to watch that grammar and stuff . I may even have to hire me a English major. I was in the back room when it first came out, but it’s not hip/trendy to call it that anymore. I sure am glad it brought back a fond memory . I'm sorry it sounded unfinished. It was a sonnet and Shakespeare only allows fourteen lines. Thanks again for the reply. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-22-2007 07:24 PM).] |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chopsticks! Not only was Shakespeare picky about 14 lines, he was pretty picky about it being in iambic pentameter (5 beats to the the line) not tetrameter (four beats.) He was also pretty darned tricky. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day" looks simple, but it isn't. Try reading it for metric and then common sense. PS: If everyone hired an English major, there would be no cab drivers in Boston. Best, Jim  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Ocean, “not tetrameter (four beats.)” I found this loophole . The loophole is, you act dumb like you didn't know and I really didn't know. “If everyone hired an English major, there would be no cab drivers in Boston.” That is so funny. Btw, are you one of the original eleven. If you are under fifty,you have no ides what I'm talking about. |
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