»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Hobbies (revised, revising, will revise)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Hobbies (revised, revising, will revise) |
|
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My wife's the type of girl who wants to buy New clothes, a hobby, nothing more before She chose to marry me. Then once as I, In consternation, waited through this chore Began to light a smoke outside the store. My yellowed fingers dropped the cigarette Because I lost the gloves I sometimes wore -- A friend had won them in a little bet. I grabbed my heart for fear that if I let Another evening pass without the sound Of ice and glass, a quiet classic set, And girls that flicker if she's not around. "I wanna drink," I told her at the door, And then she left me at the clothing store. [This message has been edited by Brad (10-17-2007 10:02 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Maybe a light subject for the form but nearly perfectly executed, none the less. We would have expected that though but, it is entertaining too. I think Spenser would approve. I do. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks Pete, I was reading this yesterday and thinking, "What was I thinking?" So I started to play around and by this morning thought I had it. Then at work, glanced at it and realized that it didn't work. Played around there, was late for my class, and thought, there it is. Then I get home, look at it again, and think, "Crap, crap, crap!" What's going to happen tomorrow morning? |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I like this one very much. I shall say that this is The CLEAREST one amoung the four or five I have read by you. I do love this one. I'll see how you revise it. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, I like your Sonnet but I have no idea what the third stanza means. Maybe a night club with Geishas ? |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Nightclub -- yes. Geishas? Where did you get that? I'm curious. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"And girls that flicker if she's not around." I have never been entertained by a Geisha , but I put them at flickering if your wife wasn’t there. Now will the real third stanza please stand up. |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Brad! There's a lot of delight in this, but some confusion as well. "My wife's the type of girl who wants to buy New clothes, a hobby, nothing more before She chose to marry me." The thought stops abruptly, and isn't picked up later. What did her "hobby" of buying clothes become after she married you? A form of passive/aggressve torture? "Then once as I, In consternation, waited through this chore Began to light a smoke outside the store." Delightful comment on the difference in sexes, and I think any man who has been married or in a relationship has been there. When men go into a store to buy a shirt, they look at two and buy one. When women go to buy a blouse, they look at everything in their size, then everything in their size that's on sale, and then go to another store. "My yellowed fingers dropped the cigarette Because I lost the gloves I sometimes wore -- A friend had won them in a little bet." The last two of these lines seem like killing time. What gloves? what friend? what bet? What matters here? "I grabbed my heart for fear that if I let Another evening pass without the sound Of ice and glass, a quiet classic set," Three grand lines, but no resolution. If you let another evening pass without a Scotch and, say, Ben Webster, what would happen? "And girls that flicker if she's not around." If you mean "And girls that flicker WHEN she's not around," it sound's like a romp through Persian Kitty's. "I wanna drink," I told her at the door, And (so) she left me at the clothing store" This is a great ending for something, maybe just not this particular poem. WORTHLESS ADDENDA: I could write poem like Spencer But if would probably just offense her. Best, Jim  |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks, Jim, You make me a happy man. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Of ice and glass, a quiet classic set, And girls that flicker if she's not around.' I took this as drinking in front of the TV, watching girls on the 'flickering' screen... girls? Eh? Eye candy for the man while his wife lies alone upstairs, both shutting each other out? I'm not sure that the images are all that incongruous with each other. Guy's outside smoking without his gloves, making me think of a november or december cold- hands numb and clumsy. It's happened to me more than once. The bet? Maybe a bet on the success of the marriage? I don't know, that one does seem a little off the wall. Great ending, though 'I wanna drink' would sound better to me as 'I want a drink.' 'I wanna drink' sounds like the narrator's already had a few. (has he?) Regardless, it sounds sloppy in comparison to the precision of the rest of the poem. Hope this helped. -Amy |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
hush, you may very well be right; but I see Brad as a man of action. I still see the geisha. I don't think Brad would drink alone. Btw Ocean, if I ever write one you don't like, remember I'm an old man and can go at anytime. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
All is very much appreciated. But more importantly, we have people arguing over images, correction of obvious gaffs, and all around 'talking'. This combined with Bronze's post on Chops almost makes me think we have a critical forum again. That makes me happy. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, please remove the mystery. Was it geisha ,Kitty or the t v ? That would make me happy. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, do you know how to keep a poet in suspense ? |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I wish I had been as imaginitive as you guys. I'm a litte embarrassed now. Flickering 'flames'! The idea was that the speaker saw all women as objects like a lighter. They could 'light' him up. Like a cigarette. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“They could 'light' him up” That’s not bad imaging , they could and they do. I can see right now, you had better give that smoking up. I wrote a poem about smoking, I‘ll see if I can find it. You guys just had a warning, when you see " Flick my Bick ", then don't click. Flick My Bick I gave up sex and closed my eyes. I had narrowed down my mind. I thought I would go stark raving mad ; but actually I'm fine. I took up smoking in the place of sex, and now I do this little trick, instead of doing something else, now I flick my bick. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Brad's poem is very clean. "My wife's the type of girl who wants to buy New clothes, a hobby, nothing more before She chose to marry me. Then once as I, In consternation, waited through this chore" There is an old saything that a lady only tries her best to beautfy herself for the man who admires her. "Began to light a smoke outside the store. My yellowed fingers dropped the cigarette Because I lost the gloves I sometimes wore -- A friend had won them in a little bet." so bored but indeed he came with her to show what a good, caring man he was. One of my colleagues kept saying "on weekend, my wife has the car, I have TV. Both of us are happy." "I grabbed my heart for fear that if I let Another evening pass without the sound Of ice and glass, a quiet classic set, And girls that flicker if she's not around." so obvious an alcoholic  and dreamed a naughty dream.""I wanna drink," I told her at the door, And then she left me at the clothing store." He carefully asked for a little "freedom". But instead saying "I walked toward the Bar", he wrote "she left me...". a very poetic tune. I could picture how Brad or (he) was watching the back of her and did not dare to get a drink. her hobbies buying new clothes his hobbies drinking...he might have to give up a little for a better poem. again, I love this poem. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Indeed. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
" His hobbies drinking ...he might have to give up a LITTLE for a better poem". The impossible dream, indeed . “Indeed”, To express disbelief/doubt, not about a better poem , but about a LITTLE drinking. Better poets than you have tried that, for example Poe. Please don't take offence , not even a garden gate. |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops Good drinking makes good poems. Over-drinking makes UNCLEAR poems. |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Tommark: Which is why you gotta take your best shot(s) Best, Jim |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I drink directly from bottle!!! that is why I have no poems at all. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Over-drinking makes UNCLEAR poems” Hi Tom, so you have read some of my poems. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
