extra junk? (another edit of global warming)

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beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

0 posted 2007-09-28 11:19 PM

I have an enrichment teacher that wants me to submit some writing into the scholastic contest; however, she completely tore up my poems (especially Global Warming, the one that I last posted on here). She took out so much extra stuff and reduced it as much as possible, which I know is an achievable goal, but I just feel like it doesn't even flow anymore. Actually, this next is Global Warming revised even more, and I took into account many of her suggestions but also ignored others.

Reprisal

We are the fruit of global warming,
our stoma respire;
see-oh-two travels,
twists around the xylem toward the sunlight-

gasps;

oh, not yet,
oxygen releases; Earth sighs-
in-out-in-out; in
our perfectly perfect atmosphere.

Oh, grow, so-
so tall,
envied by the seeping sycamores.

Bitter waves,
violent winds,
deliver moisture fertile-
acidic beads waltz across leaves;
sunlight illuminates.

Then, when, we,
pacific mist queens
are crowned,
we cease;
not to exist;
burdened by bubbles, which
leak a duodecillion straw holes, which
sever aitch-two-oh;
we cannot grow.

We cannot grow.

Ice cubes melt,
Unleaded inflates;,
we bleed sticky tears
and you make syrup.

We are the fruit of global warming;
our stoma retain aitch-two-oh;
forgotten berries of stoma closed,
oh and
we cannot let out
your oxygen.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-09-29 12:32 PM

Well, I saw this and my first thought was to warn you against rushing things.

Yes, of course, the original can be cleaned up a bit.

Now, you tell us that an 'enrichment teacher' (What is that?) 'helped' you with this?

Uh, does she understand what 'voice' is?

Get her on line so that we can 'chat' with her. Or give her my e-mail address.

Regardless, submit what you think is the best and then forget about it. The most important thing is that you don't get caught up with the advice of others and lose what you like about it.

In that context, I was going to suggest that you take some time away from this poem and write others. Not because this is bad or I think the original is bad (I most definitely do not), but because, like a musician who's been in the studio too long, you can lose your ear. You need time away from it so that you can 'hear' again.

I do hope others respond here and offer advice on her advice, but as you can tell, I think this is a move in the wrong direction.

But, like I just said, if you find this the more satisfying work, then this is the one you should go with.

Good luck!

PS Ed, if you're listening, none of this applies to you.

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

2 posted 2007-09-29 05:57 PM

Thanks... I was skeptical, and I wanted a second opinion

b.costen
Member

since 2003-11-02

Posts 107
ontario, CAN

3 posted 2007-10-03 08:20 AM

i'm not understanding what you're trying to convey in this other than the theme of global warming - maybe its too broken up and confused?

i agree with the other comment - it lacks a voice to catch the reader and keep him reading

so what's it going to be then, eh?

Edward Grim
Senior Member

since 2005-12-18

Posts 1154
Greenville, South Carolina

4 posted 2007-10-03 10:37 AM

quote:
PS Ed, if you're listening, none of this applies to you.

Aww, I never get to do what I want.

"Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done."

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

5 posted 2007-10-03 10:12 PM

See, my teacher somehow thinks that good poetry is said through as few as possible words, but I don't think it flows or makes sense. I feel like she's taken everything good out of my writing and left a few random words. I mean, I understand taking out some things (if it's repetitive and such), but she takes out every single word possible. I don't know...

Edward Grim
Senior Member

since 2005-12-18

Posts 1154
Greenville, South Carolina

6 posted 2007-10-03 10:29 PM

quote:
See, my teacher somehow thinks that good poetry is said through as few as possible words

Man, I would hate to be taught by a minimalist. You have my sympathies.

"Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done."

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2007-10-03 10:38 PM

There's nothing wrong with minimalism as a type of poetry.

There are other types however.

A counter example?

Two words: Walt Whitman

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

8 posted 2007-10-04 08:04 AM

I agree... I've read many poems that are quite good, but not ALL poetry should be written like that. I'm sure I could write a minimalistic poem, but it just doesn't work to take my poems
that are not meant to be that way and make them so.

Thanks for your replies!

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