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Critical Analysis #2
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The Unknowing Farewell
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Unknowing Farewell |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
people saying goodbye to each other watching them (to me) it seems like a cold exchange often, one of them has forgotten what the other looks like even before they’ve turned to leave give me peace i want to stay with you if i watch one more person say goodbye i think i’ll die (i tell you, joking, but serious, in a way) blank faces dominate the left and leaving why do it everytime i do, i want to go back i don’t want to be alone, do i? there was that one girl she blew a kiss to the old man (on the street), whose guitar music she had danced to she turned and looked him in the eyes and smiled and walked away she had golden hair she is the nicest girl i’ve ever known maybe i’ll see her again sometime i smile to myself when i think of her graceful approach to leaving someone for dead maybe goodbyes are the dramatic pause in the symphony of life we collect our thoughts devise plans and agree to meet again and on rifles the brash treble clef kept steady by that heart below it ever beating but a silence lasts long enough to jolt her back into renewal appreciation (for continuation) |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
OK, This is kind of fuzzy, and brings up the question, “Why is this a poem?” (For exhaustive and excruciating takes on this topic, see the P101 thread on What is Poetry. It may or may not add something) . "people saying goodbye to each other watching them (to me) it seems like a cold exchange often, one of them has forgotten what the other looks like even before they’ve turned to leave Here is the statement: When people say goodbye to each other, it can be a cold exchange. No matter how you break up the thought or modify it, it is a prosaic statement, and OF COURSE it’s from your point of view. It’s a reasonable observation, but, as your modifier “often” acknowledges, it is not a general statement. There is no music in these lines, and not much impact. "give me peace i want to stay with you" This is where the poem ends. "if i watch one more person say goodbye i think i’ll die (i tell you, joking, but serious, in a way)" This is where the poem begins, but there is no need at all for the parenthetical aside. "blank faces dominate the left and leaving" OK. Pretty good lines, actually. "why do it everytime i do, i want to go back i don’t want to be alone, do i?" I don’t know, do you? What follows is another poem altogether, which suffers from mangled syntax and serious referential problems. So lets do the first one with a thought toward compression and impact: "if i watch one more person say goodbye i think i’ll die blank faces dominate the left and leaving give me peace i want to stay with you" That’s the poem, all in your words. If this makes any sense to you, you might want to look at the second poem along the lines of: "a girl blowing kisses to an old man on the street: She danced to his guitar music looked him in the eye.. Etc. It’s just someone talking to you. Don’t get annoyed.  Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Agree with Jim here. This is where it should start. |
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