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Falling (oddly enough)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Falling (oddly enough) |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA 
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Falling oddly enough for the praise of flesh But tarnished baubles are as fragile as the charmed are fickle Aiming to please with virtue but who recognizes or even cares for what can never be achieved even in one's finest hour. Or who would be attracted to what is so easily despised, or flippantly misunderstood even if our fig regalia could? They are fallen and we too are falling oddly enough we've never reached the ground Bottomless pits hold as much mercy as curse I suppose Then Thirteen stories downward we happily slid between pressed thorns (They lost their sting having been threshed with braids of golden wheat in someone else's winepress) and found in Pauline pages the answer, gleaming like Sol adorned in his purple robes unsightly to some, glorious to others the greatest third of all threes Wailing and Laughter mingling before this rising unlikely temple Mary mistakenly or fortuitously spied a common gardener that day. And I hear one calling out "Who is blind like my servant?" And the whispering autumnal reply, "We all do fade as a leaf and our iniquities like the wind have taken us away" Falling oddly enough all these leaves! Everywhere is winter coming But love, as it were, divine is falling faster like the pedals of a decided lover's rose skipping beats like a heart of flesh not like an an auditor's toll "He loves me ... He loves me" falling oddly enough, it is true that love is blind. (Still working on this). [This message has been edited by Stephanos (09-19-2007 02:10 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Stephen Douglas Jones - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
There's a lot of stuff here. And in some places? *wince* not enough? (I'm thinking "fig regalia") um,, I'm very visual, my brother, and I had this image of like, milita--clean-shriven and standing in line as we all received our leaves. (Not trying to make fun, that is honestly what came to my mind...) But there is a whole lotta symbolism going on in here, so I may have to take some time with the layerings of it all. (Again, no pun intended.) I just, um...I'm not sure about that fig regalia. It might just be me though, but I dunno...was that supposed to give me the shivers? I'll be back. I think.  ?OH. And it would help if I could read it...um, it might just be me, but I'm getting weirdness in it too. L7? one’---now I can GUESS, but I'm getting that throughout the poem....is that just me too? |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
I suppose my first response will be that the "fig regalia" has an element of mockery or satire in it, as well as hopeless incongruity. But I'm open to the possibility of a substitute, if it's that distracting from the intent. S. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm finding the third to last line nearly indecipherable, unfortunately. (sorry) I really do want to try to give this a good read for ya bro.  |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
quote: You lost me here, Karen. Speak as to a child, and see if I can understand what you're saying here. (it's me not you)  Stephen |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Karen, the third to the last line, indecipherable? Do you mean in meaning? I have to admit it is a bit obscure but it is related to something in the title (a play on words). Stephen |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm getting weird symbols instead of language. How is that? I not only don't speak meter, I don't speak tech--but I'm getting garbled comp language over here. Not poking fun, S. I just can't read some parts. (E mail it to me?) |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Ohhhh, you've got computer babel going on. I know I'm no Emerson, but I was beginning to think I was a really baaadddd poet. (smile) Is it garbled for anyone else? Stephen. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*grin* Well. Let's wait, shall we? *laughing* (checking my e mail now) |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Karen, "You've got mail" or "&^$%^$^%$@*&^(" Whichever you prefer. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you very much. (karenity collapses laughing) Mighta been a long wait, so I appreciate it. |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Karen, I didn't want to tell you but I was going for the avante gard ... ya know, one of those ultra contemporary visual effects. LOL. I think I fixed your problem. Apparantly I've got a browser that doesn't mind when I paste from my word processor documents, and every other browser in the world does. I think it's fixed. Whew, I almost quit poeticizing altogether. To say someone's poem needs work is one thing, but undecipherable is quite another. (lol)Stephen |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Honesty gets me in and out of trouble--damned near every time! |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
No, K, your honesty actually got me out of trouble, and gave me a good laugh. Now, back to serious critique, shall we? Stephen |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Since we're both on online I've been waiting, but you don't have to do it now. It is a long poem and full of references you may or may not catch right away. Take your time. I need to get some sleep. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Dream sweet. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Stephen, you old avant gardist, you! I think it is a sign of your mature and adventurous mind when you can stay so true to yourself while experimenting successfully with a different genre. A problem area: "But love, as it were, divine is falling faster like the pedals of a decided lover's rose skipping beats like a heart of flesh" 1. The thought is clean, but the lines are rough. 2. Is "pedals" a typo? If not, what makes it work better than "petals?" 3. Do you mean "But love, as (if)it were divine(,), or "But love, (so to speak,) divine (,)? 4. "is falling faster (than?) the petals 5. "of a decided lover's rose" Might there be a better adjective than "decided?" 6. "skipping beats like a heart of flesh" Since we know you are not talking about paper valentines here, what else would a heart be of? The association of love and skipped heart beats is, ah trite. You might want to think of another way to get at this. As a general thought, you might want to consider putting in some line breaks. Oh, go ahead and be a modernist. Put them in unexpected places for emphasis, maybe? Nice work! Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Honestly, Stephen, this is an enjoyable read. It's such a breath of fresh air to read religious or spiritual poetry that isn't overtly concerned with power/control (the visible is in the imperative/the invisible is in the, what do you call it, the extreme anecdote and then reversal). With that said, rose pedals? Two more points: I'd definitely like to spend more time on this. Maybe later, and as always, and it probably goes without saying, you can take it or leave it as your wont. Second, and I may have stated this before, your strength and weakness is that you have been pegged as a religious poet (and I'm a complex poet, go figure!). It might be interesting to use that to your advantage. |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Jim: quote: It was not a typo. I used it experimentally. I of course wanted the image of rose petals falling, but also wanted the image of some haste ... pedaling a bicycle came to mind, and I thought it could be a suggestive "mistake". So there you have it. It may not work, or may seem too contrived, or (conversely) accidental? quote: More like "so to speak". I suppose this might indicate that divine love is a mere likeness of human love, but not the same. I certainly didn't want to hint that either the love or divinity wasn't real. Does the phrase distract to that end? Actually it was just good filler, and kind of cool sounding. Probably not a good enough reason to use it eh? quote: No, falling faster than the "leaves" mentioned two lines before. quote: Yes you're right. I may change it to "assured" or something like it. The idea is that the rose petals are dropped, but there is no real question, no "divining" as it were to discover if her beloved truly loves ... as in "He loves me, He loves me not ..." quote: Actually it was a subtle reference (Ezekiel 11:19) to a biblical idea of contrasting "a heart of flesh" with something else, such as "a heart of stone", or in this case a more precise and exacting rhythm of an auditor's machine. "skipping beats" was a way to draw attention to the lover who doesn't have to muse "he loves me not", only speaking every other phrase in the traditional lover's game. And though it may not be immediately obvious it also ties in to the title "oddly enough". Literally being odd in number (like the number thirteen in a previous line). Brad, I'd love to hear what you have to say. Could you explain this a bit more?: quote: The visible and invisible? Talk as to a child. I'm (what you would call) a novice in the formal aspects of poetry. Stephen |
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