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Life's Window (repost from Open for Critical Analysis)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Life's Window (repost from Open for Critical Analysis) |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
Life's Window (Sytle-Sestina) Revised 11-11-04 Gazing though my transparent window at the gray-tainted sky I watch as the cumulus clouds roll in the wind. Soon, the rain will dance and bring the cold that warms my inner soul and causes my heart’s content. As anticipated, I am content. My warm breath clouds my window. I’m gladdened at the thought my soul will no longer linger aimlessly and watch and wait for what the rain will bring. Then with gentle force arrives the wind. Through the clouded glass I watch the wind as it whistles through the trees. I am content. As I expected, the falling rain did bring the cold and I touch the frosted window with my finger. I draw a heart and watch the watery mist slide down my glass soul. I exhale a sigh at the mirrored image of my soul and grab a throw as I shiver with the wind. Confinement only allows me to watch the seasons change my world and its content. Living through a stained glass window puts a glare on what life can bring. Then I wonder what the ever after will bring when my time here has ended and my soul has drifted through my blemished window and fluttered on the whispers of the wind. Silently, as the hours tick on the watch of father time, I reflect on my life’s content. I will not adhere to my post slowly to watch and wait for the gloaming and what it will bring or be forced to accept my life with its content or that I, alone, am without body or soul. I am the air that I breathe. I am the wind blowing cold leaving condensation on your window. On the outside looking in through life’s window, I feel the dampness and the coldness of the wind blowing, waiting for the departure of another soul. quatro **I am a member of a poetry group here in town called "Poets of the Roundtable" and I would like to present this to forum for critiquing, but I'd like to submit one without as many errors. I also thought of re-titling the poem to "The Gloaming". [This message has been edited by quatro (11-11-2004 12:51 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Naome James - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You were going fine for a while until S5 when you endword order got off. The end words in the first 6 stanzas should be: 1-2-3-4-5-6 6-1-5-2-4-3 3-6-4-1-2-5 5-3-2-6-1-4 4-5-1-3-6-2 2-4-6-5-3-1 and the final tercet should be 1-5-4-3-2-6 where each line contains 2 of the endwords, one near the middle and the other at the end. Note that each stanza has the same endword in its first line as the previous had in its last. In S5 your order is 5-3-2-6-4-1 which throws things off. Your tercet does not have the middle words. Instead, it follows the form 5-3-6. Other than these flaws, I found it interesting and I am pleased to see someone else trying these things. I find them fascinating. The sestina, however, is a very strictly defined form which must be followed exactly. See if you can make it conform then we can look more seriously at the content. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
Pete, Thanks for your information. I realize now that the information I looked up on the internet was not correct. It's hard research something that I really don't know much about and accept it for truth. I will work on this some more and re-post the corrected version. Naome |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
Revised: hopefully with correct form. Gazing though my transparent window at the gray-tainted sky I watch as the cumulus clouds roll in the wind. Soon, the rain will dance and bring the cold that warms my inner soul and causes my heart’s content. As anticipated, I am content. My warm breath clouds my window. I’m gladdened at the thought my soul will no longer linger aimlessly and watch and wait for what the rain will bring. Then with gentle force arrives the wind. Through the clouded glass I watch the wind as it whistles through the trees. I am content. As I expected, the falling rain did bring the cold and I touch the frosted window with my finger. I draw a heart and watch the watery mist slide down my glass soul. I exhale a sigh at the mirrored image of my soul and grab a throw as I shiver with the wind. Confinement only allows me to watch the seasons change my world and its content. Living through a stained glass window puts a glare on what life can bring. Then I wonder what the ever after will bring when my time here has ended and my soul has drifted through my blemished window and fluttered on the whispers of the wind. Silently, as the hours tick on the watch of father time, I reflect on my life’s content. In the gloaming, while recounting the content and validity of my existence, I boldly bring with me a serene yet solemn vow. I will not watch life trickle away or accept that I am without body or soul. I am the air that I breathe. I am the brisk wind blowing cold leaving condensation on your window. Life, not measured by content or weight of the soul gently blows in the wind in the end. And nothing can bring it back through the window of existence, as I secretly watch. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Just a bump for now. Form looks good. Content is complex enough to deserve more study. |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
I have been absent form the world of literary genius that I once called home. I am anxious to get back into the realm of my brothers and sisters and learn from the wisdom and teachings of that I encounter. This is a bump from several years ago on a piece I am particularly proud of, it being my first attempt at a sestina style poem. Unfortunately this fell to the wayside. I encourage your input and your suggestions in helping me become a great writer. quatro |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Which contemporary poets are you reading right now? |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
I'm embarrased to say, but I have not read the works of any poets or studied them. I do remember reading several poems by Helen Steiner-Rice and grew to love her spirit and her phrasing. My work is usually four-line stanzas that rhyme and tell stories. I joined a poetic group here in my city several years ago and we would write and critique each other's work, but I have not been back in three years. It was there that I first heard about the sestina and decided to try something different. It wasn't very hard and I found that I liked the challenge. Thanks for asking. quatro |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
If you want to become a great writer, a good place to start is by buying a good anthology or two or three and reading the poetry of some great writers. |
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quatro Member
since 2003-04-29
Posts 392Galveston, Texas |
Thanks Moon, I really would love to read and learn more about some great writers. Do you have any suggestions? I don't know where to begin or with whom I should start. I would really appreciate your help. Thanks, quatro |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I always recommend (from Amazon below, but available in most bookstores I would think): STAYING ALIVE: REAL POEMS FOR UNREAL TIMES by Neil Astley (Paperback - April 2, 2003) Buy new: $16.95 $12.71 37 Used & new from $7.85 It's a good basic anthology of mainly contemporary poetry. A good way to find out if you are likely to enjoy a poet before you invest in a full collection. M |
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