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The Belt.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Belt. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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Up, up, up! You raise the lamb-leather Smoothed over with a polished, impregnable sheen An artificial finish Until it nearly blots out, polishes away, my childhood sun. Whipcrack, whipcrack My teeth chew through my lips Whipcrack, whipcrack My little hand will try, so feebly, to stop your mighty wrist Whipcrack, whipcrack The black, zippered seams hold this hate together I rise above you mother now, Mother no more. As a child of six. (this one just plain needs help, thanks!) |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What about two parallel descriptions, a contrast between the rythmic beating and an inner life. The only thing that really bothered me here is 'hate'. I suspect such feelings are a bit more nuanced than that. And that is what creates the emotional tug. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
My tongue tripped over the repetition of "whipcrack", not the first time, but later on in the stanza, and I agree with Brad about the use of the word hate the last line of that stanza. I feel like another word would fit better and could enhance the overall piece, but I'm not entirely sure what it should be. I will be back later.. But for now, I'll be pondering what that word should be. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thanks very much! I agree with both of you, and the reason I posted this is because it didn't seem quite complete and I certainly didn't know what to do with it. Thats why I have you! Thanks again. Valedictions, -paul |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Viking This was a good start but agree with Brad and Allysa. I never do this usually and I apologise in advance if you feel it's inappropriate to rewrite the poem, but I'm short of time and it will take to long to do a line by line. The poem suffers from over-telling. The are several places where you add words that are simply not necessary, and either make the piece sound over-poetic or spoil the "cleaness" of the read. I have removed the bits I think you can do without and I've tried to address the "hate" issue. Sorry it's so hurried, I hope you see what I mean. Oh the like the end slant rhymes that are now achieved in S2 btw (lips,wrist,this). You raise the lamb-leather, Smoothed over with a polished sheen, An artificial finish, Until it blots out my childhood. Whipcrack, whipcrack My teeth chew through my lips Whipcrack, whipcrack My little hand will try, so feebly, to stop your wrist Whipcrack, whipcrack The black, zippered seams print this: The womb whipped away Stripe by stripe, to where I Rise above you mother. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thank you very much, and i see no problems with you revising and rewriting the poem, as it gives me a very clear image of exactly what you're thinking. Thanks a lot, i'll be taking much of that into consideration. Anyone else? Please? -paul |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
VM, I suppose, hope that you saw this one coming. But you keep asking for more comments on your poem, but I don't see you giving comments (Some, sure.). Instead of asking, start giving. If none of the current group turn you on, do some digging, pop a few up. Just don't tell me that you don't know how to critique. Please!  |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
I also stumble over the repeated "whipcrack"... Maybe if you only do one, or if you do two then one then two or alternate in some way it will be easier to read? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thank you very much, i will try and work with the whipcrack blah de blahs. Hah! Brad: Truly, the amount of criticism i have been giving lately has declined. I'll get on that like nobody's business. Heh... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, it was just a suggestion. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I'm not sure how you took that "nobody's business" of vikings Brad, but just in case you misunderstood I think he means that he realises that he's not done many crits lately and he'll get on to it right away and correct the position. Sorry to interfere if you already knew that, its just your reply sounded defensive. M |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Brad defensive?  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not defensive but reticent to start pushing the whole comment thing again. We used to do that a lot with very varied results. I really do think that if one paricipates more, they'll get more out of this forum, but when push comes to shove, they'll talk if they want to and won't if they don't. And there ain't nothing we can do about it. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I liked hate, though I agree with Moonbeam that it’s too wordy but then again I think his rewrite is still too wordy. I’d cut the whipcracks down to one per line and perhaps use a repetition of words to start the following 3 lines. Something like this: Whipcrack, My teeth through lips Whipcrack My hand to catch your wrist Whipcrack My hate for zippered seams I liked the child of six which has to be a play on ‘six of the best’, you could add emphasis to it though by cutting it down something like: I rise above you mother, I, a child of six. Sorry for the rewrites they're not very good but hopefully help to explain what I was getting at. "There's a blaze of light in every word |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I know Brad, but in this case I think Viking was agreeing with you. And gentle reminders don't hurt imo. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thanks all, The critiques seem to point to wordiness, and apparrently that opinion is unanimous. I'll cook up a revision. |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Brad: quote: Sorry to comment on a comment rather than the poem itself ... but I just had to add that, to me, this is only a suggestion that "hate" itself is more nuanced than most imagine. Stephen |
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