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Critical Analysis #2
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Trust
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Trust |
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rockbabe Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 105 |
With a sudden inhalation of air, a thought rushes through mind. The night when I entrusted you with complete honesty Your saddened eyes will be imprinted in my thoughts for eternity It hurts me to know that you have circled the image of dishonesty around me. When clearly I was not. The feelings that flow through me are unspeakable Being punished for past betrayal which has been bestowed upon you. Feelings of enragement flow through me. Your not so subtle distances irritate me! How can you be such a hesitater? Do you not believe in solving a dispute through verbal communication? Dismissal is more you’re mode. Devising a mind set of non-existence is your specialty. Your inability to react cuts me immensely. Apposed to the alleged pain that I caused you. You seem willing but yet not wanting to conversate with me. Blood runs through my veins, in the event that you might think otherwise I have also been hurt I also cannot immediately convey trust towards another The one thing that makes you and I different, is the fact that I have faith in mankind. And also believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt.. Especially when there are no proof too substantiate these allegations. |
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| © Copyright 2007 rockbabe - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
rockbabe There's no easy way to say this and as you've posted here in CA and your critique tag says "Just be honest" I will simply say that this is truly awful poetry. In fact I'm pushed find many reasons to call it poetry, it reads like prose, and not very good prose at that (spelling and grammatical errors, cliches and trite statements). The main problem with the piece is that it's one long diatribe of abstract egoistic feelings. My advice would be to bin it and to start over. Read the recent post by Allysa and the comments on it. Perhaps read the thread entitled "Christian Speaks and moonbeam" and hopefully you will understand what I mean when I say that you need to be showing us your emotions in concrete images, not hitting us with loads and loads of vague abstractions. Also I think you'd benefit from slowing down on the writing for a bit and reading some good contemporary poetry and maybe making the effort to pick a few poems in this forum and doing some detailed critiques on them. Critiquing really makes you think about how poems are put together and how they work or otherwise. This then helps you with your own writing. Hope this helps. M |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Rockbabe, Uh, sorry for that. Moon has every right to his opinion, but I do know that if this is your first trip here it can be a little, hmmm, offputting at first. Before we can go further, we need to know what it is you're trying to accomplish and what it is you want from us. Honestly, we need to talk.  That's what we try to do around here. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I think there’s a poem or three in there somewhere the words are just a little jumbled and need teasing out. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I hope you don't mind if I send you a little challenge. It includes giving some regulation to your poem and may help you make a strong improvement if it is taken up: * Write an idea in three or four stanzas. * Make sure every stanza has only four lines. * Make sure every line has only eight syllables. * Rhyme may or may not be included. Of course there are many ways to give your poem regulation. This is just a suggestion for a place to begin. Hope you may give it a try Here is an example of someone that tried this challenge before and did very well with it: /pip/Forum28/HTML/001693.html [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-15-2007 03:22 AM).] |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
rockbabe Brad is right, my style of offering advice can sometimes be offputting. Sometimes though it can help a writer who is stuck in a rut to receive advice like that. It helps to jolt him or her into a different way of thinking. I didn't say what I said without first researching your other posts at PiP. And it did appear to me from what I read that you need to shift gears radically to progress your writing. Right now you are wandering around achieving very little. Seriously, you need to read some good published poetry, and also maybe undertake that exercise Essorant has suggested. I apologise if I came over as too harsh in my comments. M |
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