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Critical Analysis #2
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Sparrow
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sparrow |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
So, sparrow, here we are again and will you fly or sing for me? The sun is almost hidden; set beneath the rain imploded clouds reflecting, shining, from your eyes. The clouds are melting in the sky. There’s chance that you could sing away the rain and part the skyline from the weather’s hand, but could you fly outside its pearly reach and sing your song another day? The choices always crumble slowly, for your life has never been an answered question, or cherry-picked adventure led one foot embraced around the power lines that sway within the yellow, salty day. Yet, sparrow, time has played your puppet (burning lanterns stranded on the porch; refilled by dusk before the evening breaks its seal and sentiments are gathered from the pieces splayed across the night). And still you’re resting on the hedges where you’ve told your tales; of flights among the water- falls which leave you hanging by your claws, and of how you weren’t surprised by talk that towers fall before they rise. Then comes that instant; falling suns are violet-shifted through the woven wood and time hollows (the lanterns fading now) so much that you must choose, my little bird, your wings or song to guide you through the dark. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jeff - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Whoa. I was floored by this. There’s [a]chance that you could sing away the rain My only contest. And that's a personal preference. I love this piece either way. |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Well done. Excellent progression of narrative, imagery, presentation, enjambment, sonics... Yep, all of it. Especially loved this - The sun is almost hidden; set beneath the rain imploded clouds reflecting, shining, from your eyes. The clouds are melting in the sky... You shouldn't have too much trouble getting this published if you so desire. Regards, sampo. |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
Thank you for taking the time to comment on the poem. viking - I'd agree with your suggestion. I sacrificed for the iambic beat with that line; I'll find a way to make both work. sampo - You flatter me, hah. This poem has been hiding away the last few months or so. I pulled it out for a read the other day, and I've always been fond of it so I did a quick revision and here we are discussing it today. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I like the image of the sparrow on the hedges telling tales. Reminds me of a poem I once read about the trees all talking to each other while the wind blew. I've said this before, nature themed poetry isn't my cup of tea but I did enjoy this read. Thanks lifeonly. Now I see where he got the 'sing away the rain'. |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
When I set out to write this poem I had imagined it to be quite a bit longer than it turned out to be. I still have a lot of excess material and metaphor I'd like to put into this. Do you think it would be wiser to write a new "spin-off" poem and let this one stand on its own, or simply add into the middle of the poem? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Life -- One possible thought might be to turn the poem upside down. What would happen if you wrote it with NO metaphor, simile, or less than truly apt adjectives? That is, just say what you are saying in a clear and unadorned, but poetic way. Then put it back together with a fresh understanding. It's a fun excercise which might surprise you. Your ability to work within a structure and clean ear for the music in your work are very impressive, as is the poem itself. The use of iambics, however, invites the use of adjectives for rhythm sake. So they ought to be dead-on. For example, what is "yellow, salty sky" about, and where does it come from within the context of this particular poem. You certainly don't have to justify yourself or explain what you are doing. Despite a few current threads, that is not really what this forum is about. You seem to have enough sense just to thank folks and move on. Best, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (09-16-2007 07:05 AM).] |
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