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Critical Analysis #2
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sed-i-ment-en-tar-i-ly (uphill, both ways, re-worked)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sed-i-ment-en-tar-i-ly (uphill, both ways, re-worked) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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This one might need more of this; that one might need less of that and each day is a new dawn craft-- happenstance of laughter mad or tears of perfect chemistry bowing to the clap-clap-clap of our dear-lawd audience... Start with an awakening dreams like leaves released from trees colored multi-plexity, browning curling edges (green) and yellow-light is shadowing in reverse of life redeemed like a coupon, clutched. Shadows of the burgeoning grape of vine to taste to test; curling like an embryo fist unto itself a scheme to clasp a grasp of tendrilling on the lattice fence of "x"... with lilies standing fore-front strong like rooks in row and on display of a game of chess not played dusty aching to be touched. Stoic marble people us chiseled neatly uniform staunted in the squares inlaid scared to make a move (or play) like the leaves we used to be dancing in the air and down to the ground compressed to these layers of the earth as breathe breath-compressed in lust and greed "sed-i-ment-en-tar-i-ly" polished like we might be new... wearing ages as a badge in the stripes of rock and blue shadows ripple like the hue of Thor's hammer, shimmering reflected in the ponds of youth shivering the edge of sand rippled by the tug of moon... stoic marble people us are just the dance of want to dust--- an autumn leaf of kite to sky to crumble brown sarcophagus pressured into earth to stone chiseled back to images idols of ourselves at war standing at attention in these scores of lines that rhyme too far waiting for a featherdust-- or an editor. * * * * * |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The formatting of this is a real stumbling block for me, Karen. Sorry. I can't read centered text so I copied and pasted left justified into word perfect and it came out as three pages of short line text. Very difficult to follow with my limited attention span. Again, sorry. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
It's okay.  Don't be sorry. I rarely center poems now, but this time? I thought what the heck? It was a blatantly cheesy attempt to resemble a chess piece...(Karen holds up the printed page and says "SEE?") and the poem? Just a nod to autumn. All I salvaged from the other was my "dusty lust" (that's right I took the phrase I hated) and turned that into, THIS--ridiculous looking thing for ya'll. <--that was my "My Cousin Vinny" imitation. *cackle* Anyway, thanks for dropping in, even if just to frown. Personally, I don't think it's all bad--it's not all good--which was sorta the point of the poem anyhow. Thanks for commenting though, and oh yeah, I still love ya!  <---HUGS in C/A *cracking myself up again* *ahem* It reads best out loud. Um, when someone sober reads it. *cracking myself up again* |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Karen, there's a lot of good stuff in this so I will be back to point out the lines and images I really like. Right now my computer is being very cranky, boots and drag, that sort of thing. I need to find the BIG hammer and try to fix it. The chess piece idea is very clever, just don't do it again. My eyes, my poor, poor eyes |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Lady SB, where is the meters? where is rhyme? is this a narrative or a lyric type? and where is Brad?  I do read the poem as a very good one but what element made this feelings? What theory of poem applied here? and where is Brad? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Or each day is crafted by the new dawn. Why your phrasing works is that craft has three or more possible meanings here: 1. handicraft as in thing or product or witchcraft (though witchery may be reading too much into it.) 2. boat (Voyage of the Dawn Treader?) 3. Skill Of these three, I think '1' and '3' are admirably handled through the rest of the poem, but I don't see enough of '2'. While you might argue that I'm screwing up by separating craft as in handicraft or hoppy and skill, I have my reasons that should become clear later. And I just woke up. quote: Chance of mad laughter or tears of perfect chemistry. I don't think this should be separated from the next part but I notice that you like reversals. Mad laughter becomes laughter mad. I love reversals too, but I think you should keep the grammar intact. It's very difficult for me to see 'mad' as a noun or 'laughter' as an adjective. Keep the idea, fix the grammar. quote: And here's one of the reasons I wanted to separate craft and skill. Obviously, we have a thespian scene, but I also like the lap, lap, lap, on the bow underplay. Three thespians on a boat listening to the distant clapping on the audience. Distance, isolation, dependent on both of these to maintain the scene. That's a stretch I suppose, but the idea seems to work. quote: I love this. And though Linkin Park runs through my mind, I can't help but think we have a delayed stage direction here. quote: I liked multiplex - ity (Oops, I got that wrong) and enjoyed the image. It fits quite well with the first strophe (though a possible retort might be that anything can go with that first strophe). You have a lot of Cummings in you. I don't know if I would have noticed that without some of our conversations in the past, but I can say that I should have noticed it. You seem to enjoy the visual tricks. I'm not going to unpack that last bit except to say that I liked it and wonder if it might work better without double spacing and short line breaks. This also of course could just be my idiosyncrasy, I've never been a big fan of that kind of structure. Forgive me, Fraulein, for I have sinned. quote: Same psuedo-complaint as above: structure seems unnecessary. This also has the best image of the poem (embryo's fist). Chess may or may not be overdone in poetry -- I tend to think of it as a genre rather than a cliche. But much of what I said above should make sense after reading this part. quote: I read this literally. We're in an old cemetary -- something like the opening of Buffy. quote: And just in case you didn't see the connection between this and the above, you make it quite clear for us. quote: I am always astonished that this particular metaphor is not used more often than it is. Wolfe, Heaney, Delaney have all used it in ways that make me crave for it more. I like the quote bit, I always like quotes in poems, but this is a nice touch -- you take trick -- sediment/sentiment -- and by placing it in quotes make it seem natural. For all I know, someone might have really said it. quote: And now we're back to the water metaphor. If there's anything here that seems like an add on, this has got to be it. If I were you, I would expand this a bit. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but I'm not sure how well it complements the other stuff you've got going. quote: In many ways, this simply reads like a summary of what's gone on before. I don't know, maybe write two poems? ------------------------- I think there's a lot to talk about here. I can't guarantee that we'll get very far with it (time problems, ya know), but it might be worth the effort to start 'the conversation' so to speak. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hey, when I started the above post, Jennifer was the only one who commented? What the hell happened? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: Brad, You may want to rephrase that before Karen gets here. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What kind of person do you think I am? How dare you insinuate a double entendre. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
It’s really quite a bit more than “just a nod to autumn”, Karen. It’s a beautifully crafted, complex and multi-layered poem. Somehow you’ve managed to blend a variety of techniques/styles and make them work as a whole. Really, so very well done! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*cracking up* Some days it's just really good to be me. When I get over myself, I'll be back to think on the advice.  Thanks guys! (and Jen) |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
[Expletive deleted]. This is all types of good. Let me have couple days to ingest this. Confer with some better poets than me, if you don't mind. This - and yellow-light is shadowing in reverse of life redeemed like a coupon, clutched. Is just one exc snapshot. The centering overall don't work. But do keep messing with the format. (Italic, Bold, Etc...Words in exotic places.) Opening line needs a do-over. Just some initial observations. This one needs a close read. Discriptions are interesting enough to want to understand. Cummings, yes, and abstract Ashbery. My type of poetry. Regards, sampo. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-08-2007 10:12 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
wow...and yummies...I really love it when I have fun writing something, but if someone has fun reading it? I'm thrilled. And yes, Jen, it is more than a nod to Autumn, I just started thinking about dust, actually, and one think led to another, and I must actually give Nan partial credit for jogging my memory via a conversation she and I had, and I told her I don't really like to play chess, but I adore chess sets. So as I recalled my old marble set, I thought of the layers in the marble, and that led me to think of rock formations, and I just got carried away with the metaphor. I admit that the "form" of trying to acheive the look of a chess piece hurt the quality though (and I confess I giggled thinking that it would annoy Brad, anyhow) But my favorite line is the last line--because I do realize that parts of it are more than overdone and I really do need an editor. (It's kinda dusty in here too.) Yet even with all of my fun, please know that I take the advice seriously. And Essorant? In case you are reading, I do hope to come up with a sonnet for you (using that really fun "Scandroid" program too). I'll take your advice on trying to keep the theme for that one simpler. I really must apologize for not returning the favor of critique, but I am a little shy about that, especially since I don't know what the heck I am talking about concerning meter. (And I don't intend to use the Scandroid program for critique--it just feels like cheating to me.) Thanks all, for reading me and giving me the gift of your time. I have a football party to attend to... (college game, LSU rules!!!) geaux tigers  ta and hugs to all with my gratitude. and oh...keep the innuendo cummings. heh. I'm still ME, afterall.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What is a scandroid program? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Brad See here |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Karen... I had a Cummings phase in high school (Gawd, did someone have to mention the double entendre???) Which is to say- I have habit that when I read someone I really like, I'm kind of a copy cat. But... I see the Cummings... but more, I see you. which is a strentgh- you have a wry humor. Brad's reply was almost as fun to read as the poem. Not as keen on the Thor's hammer bit... I'm thinkin of N'awlins (Lawd, Lawd) and then Nordic Thor? This is also a lilting, sliding poem and the image of a hammer is jarring. But I like it... agreeing with everyone else on the centering, but I personally don't have a problem with short and double spaced lines. Hope this helped. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Karen, you mentioned that you liked these lines. I do too. My only problem is that it didn't seem to integrate very well with the rest of the poem. You got a wry smile from me, but not the kind of mental explosion when everything seems to fit together. Save it for the next one. Of course, a response might be that I missed something in the early lines (always a possibility, even probability), but I'm hard pressed to see it right now. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Naw, Brad, you did just fine--I went for the wry smile a few times in this one. It really was just a an exercize to see if I could take the part of a poem I hated, and revitalize it. (Hope you don't expect a re-write. I think I'm over this one now. *laughing*) You've been kind to me, and it's much appreciated. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I never expect rewrites. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
 at Brad's non-expectations...as usual? I am here just to appreciate the give and take of the awesome respect that our "critics" give to poetry; I read a lot in here, and I appreciate when a very good write is given its due... and as always, little one... well, you know. K |
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