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Critical Analysis #2
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uphill, both ways
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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uphill, both ways |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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I do believe I understand or perhaps I'm on the cusp: Saturn ringed a dark return--the mirror crack'd betrayed an image of myself in mind is ash in orbit of what was the particles of ancient days revolving in the dust of lust reflected in those rays as crazed in evolutions of the thrust as mighty muscled children's trust pushed the tanks of buses of a daddy-walk, uphill, both ways...as the half-moon fingernails chipped and bitten nervously, bloodied by a cuticle tugged a gnawing chaw of us, ripped as if it's solitude sounding solemn gratitude, scuffing saddle-shod the youth: as if I could avoid it now...the dancing of the layers crust-- in cadmium, cobalt, and rust-- at fifty bucks a tube. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I like the space and terrestrial nature of the piece. I think that the last line completely erases the surreal nature of it though. Needs tidying. Dane |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hmmm. I actually wanted to jolt the reader a bit with that... And I am still all rhymey-dimey too.  But thanks CS--the title sucks as well, methinks.  I was hoping someone would address the meter, since I still don't know what I'm doing. (Thank God/dess it ain't rocket science, eh?) *laughing* |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hi Karen. Good to read your work again, see curtains on the window. Overall I liked this very much. Yep, a little heavy on rhyme and alliteration but with a static duster you could tidy it up in no time - “ dust of lust” “ as if it's solitude sounding solemn gratitude, scuffing saddle-shod” Don’t know much about meter, but I’m sensing a lot of prepositional fillers being used to try and force the meter. Perhaps one of the IP thread posters would be so kind as to give you some feedback. The title, well, knowing your gift for words, I'm sure you'll come up with something you like better that's not part of a line in the poem. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks Jen--I'm hoping to learn to write in iambic without actually working on it. *laughing* I actually hope to do a LOT of things without actually working on them.  I'm pretty much in agreement that this sucked, too, so um, no one should be afraid of hurting my feelings--this one has already been emotionally "scrapped" by me. Hmm. Emotionally Scrapped Now THERE is a title! *laughing* Love to all. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Karen- I liked it, but no surprise there. It doesn't seem forced to me, it actually seems effortless... but a bit too rhyme happy. The 'dust of lust' bit? Gots ta go. In terms of other rhyme/alliteration... nothing necessarily stands out to me as bad, but you know, too much of a good thing? I think if you just chose some areas and cut the rhyme down so it's not quite cloying, then this is good. 50 bucks a tube? My mind is thinking a lot of dirty things. Incidentally- thinking of you today- I'll have to drop you an e-mail. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I DO be LIEVE I UND er STAND or per HAPS I'm ON the CUSP SAT urn RINGED a DARK re TURN the MIRR or CRACK'D be TRAYED an IM age of MY self in MIND is ASH in or (OR) BIT of WHAT was L1 primarily iambic L2 trochaic L3 er,anapests out of time thank goodness, over to Ess M |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
M--that bad, eh? Can I get a second opinion before I'm sent to the glue factory?  But thanks for taking the time to address the meter. I do honestly appreciate the effort. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Serenity Take every word one at a time for now. Look at the onesyllable words below. Which normally have mainstress? Which don't? Do you remember the point about the special group of onesyllable "function words" mentioned in the other thread? Now look at the words with more than one syllable. Will you show us which syllable you find the main stress on? Words with one syllable: the of days in dust lust those rays as crazed thrust Words with more than one syllable: particles ancient revolving reflected evolutions mighty muscled children |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you Essorant. I know my demeanor, (er...style?  )my..um, PERSONALITY makes it seem like I'm less serious than I am. But with your good advice, and Jen's (and everyone') encouragement, I'm gonna set this one aside and study on it a while. I'm about to post something I hope is better than this meager offering. Thank you all |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Can't quite agree with Moonbeam on L3. I really have to stretch to scan it this way. "an IM age of MY self in MIND is ASH in or (OR) BIT of WHAT was" Instead, just taking the line out of the context of poetry, I scan it thus. an IM/age of/ mySELF/ in MIND/ is ASH/ in OR/bit of/ what WAS Now that's really not too bad. If I then read it as a line of iambic verse, it is not at all difficult to read it this way. an IM/age (OF)/ mySELF/ in MIND/ is ASH/ in OR/bit (OF)/ what WAS Actually, I find it almost natural. Not perfect iambic for sure but I think acceptable for a very occasional line. (Read some Shakespeare or Poe.) I know Essorant has said that of is never stressed. I also think never is not a word that applies well to poetry or any other writing for that matter. It most often depends on the context. In all honesty though, I would change at least one of the "of" words to something more often stressed though. An example that makes the same statement might be: an image of myself in mind is ash in orbit 'round what was In fact, I'm not convinced at all that there is much merit in studying individual words for stress. Instead there is much more to be learned by studying lines, both those that fit and those that do not. JMHO, of course. |
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