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Hormonal disruption
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Hormonal disruption |
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EmilySian Junior Member
since 2007-08-19
Posts 21England |
Staring through the frosted window Rimmed with the ice of winters day A sharp breeze penetrates in to me Chills my skin, dampens my heart Sun shines through the gloomy clouds My thoughts wander My mind drifts astray Pearly rain-drop splatters On the fragile window Clear and sparkling Beauty apparent The sun incandescent lighting it up A brief reminder of happier days |
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| © Copyright 2007 Emily - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You have an image, you have your reaction to that image. What about trying to integrate the two into one? quote: What about the sun and the gloomy clouds causes your thoughts to wander? Where do they go? What were you concentrating on before? Is the image a reflection or a contrast to what is going on inside your head? I like the opening 'frame' if you will, but wonder why you haven't shown the rest of the movie? |
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Bear New Member
since 2007-08-31
Posts 7IL |
Emily, You've got a start of something. Let's look at the first stanza. Here is how I would tighten it up: Staring through the window rimmed with ice on a winters day. A sharp breeze penetrates, chills my skin, dampens my heart. *That's a good image. You really have a strong start. The second stanza kinda lets me down. You start to lose me a bit.* Sun shines through the gloomy clouds My thoughts wander My mind drifts astray *This third stanza brings me back a bit. But I'm still in winter from the first stanza. And I don't associate rain with winter. There is an image here, though. And it has potential.* Pearly rain-drop splatters On the fragile window Clear and sparkling Beauty apparent The sun incandescent lighting it up A brief reminder of happier days *I think you need to flesh this out a bit to connect the whole poem from beginning to end. Ask yourself some of the questions from the earlier comments.* -Bear |
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