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SOMA (rewrite) Poor Vision
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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SOMA (rewrite) Poor Vision |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Roger and I have been going back and forth on this one for a little over a week. I can post the conversation if that is what is needed, but here is the finished product. Dane Poor Vision Crowds passed like a fog and her stare cut the distance with razor-sharp precision in efforts to bring my attention to her in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand or notice. I felt something. I glanced to catch the final punctuation of her gaze and the cessation of her attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus. I turned and smiled at curious eyes with questions just below the surface and could hear the conversation between receptors that relate without the benefit of words. We sat. The crowds thinned. The fog lifted like that of midmorning, and with all of the answers that were to become such, I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return. How many times did the eyes were beckon without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness? As stated, this is a rewrite from a previous post. Feel free to hack away. I've enjoyed the process. Dane |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
The poem seems a little flat and prose-like with little to keep the reader interested. You could get away with it if there was a metrical pattern or rhyme scheme but without those (and I’m not suggesting you add either) you need to give the reader something to get his\her teeth into. If you don’t the reader gives up halfway through or reads it but gets nothing memorable from it. It’s also wordy and wordy has a bad habit of coming across as contrived. Crowds passed like a fog Doesn’t that sound like someone trying to make the crowds interesting and poetic? and her stare cut the distance You’ve lost the fog connection, why cut the distance when you have perfectly good fog to cut? with razor-sharp precision whatever it’s cutting the word ‘precision’ suggests razor-sharp so you don’t need it in efforts to bring my attention to her Darcy might describe it that way but it doesn’t sound right in this context. in that coy, girl-like fashion Again coy and girl-like is overkill, either one suggests the other. which men fail to understand This is a good observation but it’s too wordy and sounds contrived or notice. This doesn’t add anything and leaves the sentence hanging. My advice would be to start again, take the first part and write down in prose or notes exactly what you want to say and then say it in the minimum number of words possible. It’d take me a couple of hours to describe exactly what I mean so I’m going to break the cardinal rule and give you an example using the first part of your poem (hopefully you won’t take offence). Her stare cut the foggy crowds with lazy precision; a lesson in attention in that girl-like fashion which men misunderstand. OK so it isn’t Shakespeare but it only took me a couple of minutes and hopefully you’ll get my drift. If you think my version sounds better than yours I can give you a blow-by-blow account of how I did it, if you don’t then just ignore everything I wrote as the ramblings of a fool, which they probably are. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Grinch but I don't see yours as much of an improvement. Oh, I do agree with your comments and advice. And I understand that you were just presenting a quick example. To me, however, it reads more like the opening sentence of a cheap paperback than poetry. That could just be me, of course  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't know, I thought the linebreaks worked very well for the most part -- I did not find myself getting bored. It's a leisurely pace perhaps but doesn't bog down. The only problem I have is quote: The fog is a simile, right? Why separate it here? On second thought, we'll have to talk about the topic itself. More later. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I mostly agree with Grinch, although I haven't see the original. In general terms I think the poem starts out sort of ok and gradually deteriorates, although having said that I can at least see that there is some order and planning: S1 Initial contact S2 Tentative advancement S3 Established communication S4 Hope for future This is a good start. You set yourself a hard task with this poem as the theme: initial non-verbal contact between two potential lovers, is potentially fleeting, abstract and mundane. You therefore have to produce something fairly dramatic in the way of tone, language and image to get, and hold, the reader's attention. I don't think you really succeeded in this. Let's try and see why. Crowds passed like a fog and her stare cut the distance with razor-sharp precision in efforts to bring my attention to her in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand or notice. The opening is unfortunate, in that the simile (crowds/fog) and metaphor (clouded closed mind), have both been used many times before. It would be neat if you could open with an unusual location/simile for the same effect. Things get worse in L2 where "razor-sharp" is not only redundant, i.e. unnecessary to describe "precision", but also over-used. I know it's cliche these days to call something cliche, but it's cliche. It's a spent force, an ex-modifier, deceased, no more, ineffectual. "in efforts" may be in common usage in the US but over here it's still "in an effort", and "in efforts" is ungrammatical. I'd be interested to hear what Brad/Ess have to say about it, as I am no linguist or grammarian. The final three lines of the strophe are very "telly" in the sense that they TELL us what she is doing and TELL us about the feeling of men. Contrary to what some people here might think I'm not an obsessive "show don't tell" merchant, but I do believe that when beginning to write, the discipline of working to create IMAGES which SHOW feelings is not only very useful in development, but also leads to much more creativity in your writing. It's so easy (lazy) to simply write down what YOU have in YOUR mind, simply imposing your interpretation on the reader. This has the obvious drawback of closing down options, and, unless you are a very skilled writer indeed, making the "poem" little better than a physician's prescription. I felt something. I glanced to catch the final punctuation of her gaze and the cessation of her attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus. The opening line of this strophe is terribly weak. "I felt something" !! I quite liked the "final punctuation" of her gaze, and wonder if you couldn't build on that metaphor, or at least echo it elsewhere. The remainder of the strophe reads like a recitation of a report as does the next strophe. Words like "cessation" play havoc with the atmosphere you've tried to create of an intimate gentle encounter, and frankly when you get to "receptors that relate" I'm beginning to think that I'm back in a final grade brain surgery seminar. By that time the tone of the poem is shattered. You need to pay some attention to punctuation generally too, but particularly in S3. "We sat" This is good. Nice simple image, showing, not telling, everything the reader needs to know and more. The crowds thinned. The fog lifted like that of midmorning, and with all of the answers that were to become such, I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return. How many times did the eyes were beckon without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness? Apart from the opening line which is clear and, while unoriginal, refreshingly simple after the contortions of the previous strophes, the remainder of this strophe is a disaster. I tried to grapple with the grammar for a while and gave up with a bad head. So it's either the Atlantic getting in the way again, or else you really really need to revisit the whole strophe, take out the obvious nonsense "How many times did the eyes were beckon" and then take a good look at the convolutions of the remainder. I'm sorry I can't be more positive about this Christian, I really think you might write better if you initially concentrate on presenting clear images in your poems rather then trying to write down feelings. Having said that, I'd be most interested to see the original and maybe some of the dialogue that took you from there to here. All the best. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
The thing that thrill me to no end is that I recieved real, logical, and complete critiques from writers that, I trust, know what they are talking about. Very cool. I basically talk everything that you say and reply with, "uh-huh." I see what you are saying. I like the piece, and it reminds me of an instance that was rose-colored and, most likely, completely contrived in my brain. I will surely work on the show/not tell thing, M. It's not the first time you have said that to me. I'll get it someday. But thanks to you all for your complete answers. Dane |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: I think I know what I am talking about, but I have no idea whether it will be helpful to you in your development, I simply repeat what is/was helpful to me. There really is no objective right and wrong in poetry, there is what each of us likes and a way or ways we wish we could write. I simply try to say what I personally like and why I like it, and what I dislike and why. I also have ideas about how one might arrive a position where one writes in a way that I happen to think is "better". What I think or suggest may well not suit your idea of making progress with your poetry. There are many streams to the same estuary, and indeed many estuaries. quote: If you want to write to interest other people Dane, you need to be careful about this sort of thinking, it can lead directly to what is commonly referred to as diary entry poems, and poems that might mean a lot to you personally but nothing whatsoever to anyone else. If you are simply writing to remind yourself of a nice experience then you are probably wasting our time here. But how much more exciting and unselfish would it be to take that rose tinted moment and dress it up brilliantly to share it with others in a way that they too find wonderful? That's what poetry is all about. Poets should tell the truth, if necessary by not telling the truth. Thus you do whatever you have to do in your poem to be true to the experience and to convey it to us. Set the scene in Honolulu, the Moon, make the girl a goddess or a pauper, have the streets paved in butterflies wings, make the weather wet when it was dry, lie through your pen to create something that will grab your readers AND convey the message as you experienced it. And, like I say, remember that I may be wrong .M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks M - I get what you are saying. I have a revision if you like: Take a look. I must say I don't like this as well as the other. Crowds were fog cut by a stare in a way only a woman with purpose could manage. I felt something. A glance, a stare, the end of attention. I turned and smiled at curious eyes with question below the surface hearing the conversation between receptors that relate without the weight of words. We sat. Crowds thinned. Fog lifting like that of midmorning leaving a naked look and more uneasiness than reprieve. Dane And a song that I was writing is left undone. I don't know why I spend my time writing songs I can't believe With words that tear and strain to rhyme. -Paul Simon |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Neither do I. And quick revisions of this magnitude practically never work. I would ditch that revision if I were you  .Take a step back. Take a few days. By the way I don't want to stomp all over Roger's work with you. The poem you wrote was a definite improvement on your earlier work, you are heading the right direction M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I agree. It seems to rushed in the production and the message. We'll set this one aside for a bit. Dane Still, I encourage comments. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Incidentally I meant to mention earlier that "coy" does not sit at all well with "razor-sharp precision" "coy" - showing marked and often, indefinite - vague or not clearly defined or stated |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I liked the original very much. It reminded me of some things i do not care to share on these boards... And they are not bad things. Just things. Valedictions, -Paul |
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