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timber to quotients
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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timber to quotients |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
we outline the concept of here with shoe laces and rubber bands all to form diagrams from spirals "to erupt is to misbehave" they say so we erupt from single file lines and we feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter the strike anywhere matches that fell apart the prayer we screamed the echo that returned drafting a school of paper fish from love notes and birthday cards letting our last hopes exclaim obscurities traced into sugar can our fingers colide like color reflective light and prism mathematics and equations for every motion shake your keys to scare them off our laughter will rumble like bike chains as our minds reach a crescendo romantically exploring the concept of here because you'll never find yourself anywhere else -mr blister |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I don't have much time, but I really wanted to tell you how much I like what you've posted. There seems to be some really good stuff here and I like that you've added to it. You should read Viking's 'Thunder'. We three seem to have a similiar style but I think he pulls it off the best so far. Ok, onto your poem: I'd break that first line into two so it reads: We outline the concept of here with shoe laces and rubber bands. Good words though. I love it when a poem puts a clear picture in my head. Moving on. I'd get rid of the word 'our' from the fourth line so it reads: To "erupt is to misbehave" they say so we erupt from single file lines. I think it reads easier like that. Plus, the idea of rebelling is nice, adds to the picture you're painting. I'm out of time, but one last thing. You lose me around the third (I guess it's called, 'strophe'. Sorry, I know nothing about poetry) strophe. There was a very clear picture of what was happening, and then, just as I was sure you'd sauce the protein and send it out, it died under the heat lamps. Mr. Blister, you have good words. |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
Thank you, friend. I made some edits based on your advice, adn I admit it flows more smoothly now. -mr blister |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Nodding and agreeing with guy, good words indeed, blister. May need a bit of sorting out yet, and I hope someone who knows more about poetry than I do will give you a hand with that. Lines as fresh as these show real potenital: "feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil" "the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter" Look forward to reading more of your work, blister. |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
A few short edits: we outline the concept of here with shoe laces and rubber bands all to form diagrams from spirals "to erupt is to misbehave" they say so we erupt from single file lines and we feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter the strike anywhere matches that fell apart drafting a school of paper fish from love notes and birthday cards letting our last hopes exclaim obscurities traced into sugar can our fingers colide like color reflective light and prism math shake your keys to scare them off an equations for every motion our laughter will rumble like bike chains as our minds touch on crescendoes romantically exploring the concept of here because you'll never find yourself anywhere else -mr blister -mr blister |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You're not going to like this,  but I strongly suggest you use punctuation to keep some of the lines/ideas from becoming muddled.I know, I know, those of us who love to write without it have all sorts of reasons why we don't like "it's my style", "I wanted a stream of consciousness flow", etc., etc. But when what you're saying becomes a little muddled, it's time to give some serious thought to using punctuation. And be sure to spell check before you post. Just my humble opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
Is it completely stifling? -mr blister |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
LOL, not at all. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Got more time, so here we go... "we outline the concept of here with shoe laces and rubber bands all to form diagrams from spirals "to erupt is to misbehave" they say so we erupt from single file lines" these first five lines are excellent, you've got my attention and I 'feel' the idea forming- elementary school, these are probably personal memories you have of K-6. 'to erupt is to misbehave' and 'forming diagrams from spirals' things I didn't necessarily experience, but I get it. "and we feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter the strike anywhere matches that fell apart" I think instead of 'on a borrowed pencil' maybe 'on borrowed pencils' not sure but that 'a' acts like a speed bump for me. 'the stinky yellow glue' - Not sure about it but that's probably just me judging you by the words I use. "drafting a school of paper fish from love notes and birthday cards letting our last hopes exclaim obscurities traced into sugar" Maybe change 'letting' to 'as'. I just think it reads better that way. "can our fingers colide like color reflective light and prism math shake your keys to scare them off an equations for every motion" This whole thing needs work. Sorry. You misspelled 'collide' and you don't need 'an' before equations. Plus, I just don't understand what you're saying. It's confusing. "our laughter will rumble like bike chains as our minds touch on crescendoes romantically exploring the concept of here because you'll never find yourself anywhere else" I don't like the first two lines here. First of all, bike chains don't rumble, but the image of bike chains is appropriate for the poem. Maybe figure out a new way to use it. 'Crescendos' is misspelled and overused. The third line is good, but maybe instead of 'romantically' try 'scientifically' - it links the the feel of the opening lines and the last lines better, I think. Since the whole thing reminds me of school, a word like scientifically would be more accurate, and it's not as common to see. Hope that helps and I like your stuff. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Sorry if that's scathing to the retina. I meant for my comments to be in red and the poem to be in blue. Still learning how to use the reply. |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
Thank you alot, guy. I appreciate your critique alot, even moreso than others since I find our writing styles to be fairly similar. As for the 'bite marks on a borrowed pencil', that is intended to be singular to make the situation have a more personal effect. I normally make objects in my work singular for that very reason. For 'romantically exploring the concept of here', since my poems are usually geared towards a more abstract and personal view on things intimately tied between our emotions and our memories, I think romantic works more appropriately then scientifically, because that line is about an intimate connection with an idea. I'm rewriting that fourth part, because I agree, it sucks. Again, thank you alot for the criticism. -mr blister |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
Another edit: we outline the concept of here with shoe laces and rubber bands all to form diagrams from spirals "to erupt is to misbehave" they say so we erupt from single file lines and we feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter the strike anywhere matches that fell apart drafting a school of paper fish from love notes and birthday cards as our last hopes exclaim obscurities traced into sugar from the fret boards between chapters four and five let's combine these fluid ounces of time-tables and suprise our laughter will rumble like gym class as our minds touch on crescendoes romantically exploring the concept of here we're never anywhere else -mr blister |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Love the new fourth strophe! And 'rumbles like gym class' is really nice! All together reads much, much better. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I feel like s2 needs to be rid of extra stuff: quote: "And, the, the" should all be deleted. It could read: We feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil. Stinky glue that holds down grains of glitter on strike anywhere matches that fell apart. The main thing that this write leaves me asking is why? Why do you feel this way. It's hard to shove, what seems like, 5 years in 5 strophes. Is there a more simple story that you could tell rather than this frenetic race that you have so far? It's good, I just wish you would tell me why. Dane PS oh, and Jennifer was right about the punctuation. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This has some awesome ideas and images. I think the main issues (I'm using your original here) lie in the second stanza: 'and we feel like the bite marks on a borrowed pencil the stinky yellow glue that holds down grains of glitter the strike anywhere matches that fell apart the prayer we screamed the echo that returned' I agree with Christian- you can streamline this. I feel like it's a list, and I (personally) think the glue and the matches bits could go... but please do not get rid of: 'the prayer we screamed the echo that returned' That is amazing, to me at least (maybe just because I can acutely relate?) but could be streamlined a bit: 'the prayer we screamed and the echo that returned' I do like the new fourth stanza better. And I was going to say something about the use of 'we' as the subject. At first, I didn't like it, because it makes the poem seem anthemic and to me, an anthem has to be really really great or else it gets too pushy and hokey. But at the (original) end, you say: 'our laughter will rumble like bike chains as our minds reach a crescendo romantically exploring the concept of here because you'll never find yourself anywhere else' The use of romance and a person the narrator is speaking to (you) ties it all together for me. This isn't an anthem... just a sort of anthemic love poem. Or that's how I see it, at least. The narrator and his love are part of a group of free thinkers, and maybe you're encouraging this person to push the envelope as well- in order to find him/herself? Not to acquiesce and fall back in line?I definitely think you should keep the original ending, I think you lose something without it. I personally like the bit about the prayer a lot, too, and I found this a though provoking and beautiful read. Hope this helped. -Amy |
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Bear New Member
since 2007-08-31
Posts 7IL |
Hi! So much has been said on this already. I wish I could see all the past posts when I'm writing my response. Oh well, I only have two things to say: I like the original last line better than the edit. And I disagree with the punctuation comments made earlier. I don't often say that...I like punctuation. However, I like the way this reads without it. Very nice writing. -Bear |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I like prism mathematics far more than prism math. You are quite intelligent, I admire your work. Perhaps critique some of mine, as I respect your opinion very much. Keep writing, -Paul |
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