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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Funeral |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Quiet for we entertain the dead and flowers have been set By the corpse for all to see As he awaits eternity Kith and kin they all attend As many cry and some pretend And feign remorse a loving pose Tears trickle down on fancy clothes Praise is showered left and right Upon deaf ears in that good night And even if he was a thief The theme today is one of grief The ghouls are waiting in the wings Unholy tasks and sharpened things They wield them to prepare the way And make the bed in which we'll lay So carry on with your affairs And hasten not to climb the stairs For you and I and he and him Will soon enough be cherubim |
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| © Copyright 2007 Roysie - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This incorporates, amongst other beginner errors: forced rhyme leading to borderline nonsense, erratic metre, non-existent punctuation, vagueness. If you're going to write doggerel either do it so well that it's funny, or so badly that it's funny - this is just boring. Sorry. M |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Well I'm devastated. I won't be able to sleep tonite knowing I've received such scathing criticism from someone who writes at your level. lol |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You've beaten my drama queen OTT by miles.  |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Oh! Wow! Good. Bad! Take your pick as I have no idea whatever what you're talking about. But I am getting the feeling that I am wasting my time and talent on a bunch of knobs. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Roysie, I have been reading everything you post. And I've read everything you've responded in your threads. What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Mostly you appear surly with that as your primary purpose. I don't get the point. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Hi Larry, You've been fair and thoughtful in your correspondence with me and I appreciate that. If you read all my posts you know the situation so no point in flogging a dead horse. How did you like the first response on this thread? Is that what you call legitimate criticism? Admittedly I find it hard to accept criticism from people who should have paid more attention in high school english class and should be sending their "work" to Dear Abby. I conveyed to you that mutual admiration societies were not for me so rather than rock the boat, I'll just hop in and start rowing. Thanks for taking the time Larry and have a great day. Respectfully, Roy |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
So you're suggesting that anyone who doesn't like your poetry is an idiot? Wow Rosie, that's a bit much even for you. Maybe you're right, maybe you are wasting your time on us. We don't deserve to read your godsent words. Maybe you should pack up that circus and move on to the next town? Have a nice trip. Cheerio! "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Please, allow me to show you the door.  Don’t let it critique you on the way out. "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I can agree with what moonbeam said, but, as a total outsider, I must assume these two have bad history or something. It seemed a bit harsh. Though one should not post in CRITICAL analysis, if one does not want a harsh critical analysis. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt, Roy. Reacting so defensively and hurling personally directed snarls and insults at those who took the time to critique or comment on your poems might be a good indication that you’re not ready for this forum. Best of luck wherever you go. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Ed, I find your comments far out of place, Ed. Go ahead and suggest someone's manners or words are a problem and not accordant to the spirit and general pursuit of the forum. But it is not right or helpful at all to treat anyone as if his presence itself is the problem or not welcome. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: Well Ess, interestingly enough, I'm ok with that. quote: If his "bad manners" are consistent and unrelenting, then yes, his presence is a problem. He has done nothing but aggravate, belittle and besmirch these forums and the members. "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
Come on, guys, let's get back to critique and stop dogging on each other. Roy, as for you: I agree partly with what moonbeam said, but only because there have been times when I made similar mistakes. You shouldn't be so afraid to not rhyme, and if you're going to use punctuation (capitalization), unless it's an intended style, you should be consistent with it and use full punctuation. Again, if it's your style, don't worry about it. I, for instance, use no punctuation in my writing strictly for sylistic reasons. -mr blister |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
I agree with Moonbeams concise and constructive critique. Namely, the forced rhyme has made the syntax awkward, unnatural. Punctuation is also necessary here, imo. Essorant - Review your comments in Roysie's other thread. It's like sitting in a room telling everyone how stupid they are, but not leaving. If you disagree so strongly with my poetry ( I presume I fall into the category of your sweeping, condescending rant) then steer me straight, because I'm here to learn. Remember the poetry at the top ? ^^^ Regards, sampo. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I don't blame Roysie for being disappointed at such critiques. What help is it to receive a recital of the names of faults and things that are needed, with little or no explanation or guidance of the reasons, background, and substance thereof, and help and means of how to do as is suggested? It is the likeness of giving a poor and starving man a diet-plan and a grocery list, instead of any means by which he may actually eat, eat well, and having food, money, and fullfilling better livelihood, see the helpfulness of those critical "plans" and "lists". Personally I think it is wiser to abstain from critique if all you shall give is an offhand "grocery list" of faults. It is not necessary to refer to every or many a problem in the first critique anyway. If one is going to try to address many problems, then he should make sure, both with time and energy, and good manners, to address all of them with due care, referring what in the poem constitutes that problem, giving explanation, help etc. If he can't make sure of that, then I believe should lessen his load and not try to refer to so many problems, since he is not willing to back up his claim that they are problems or in any way try to help deal with them by explanations and examples. Sampo, I won't discuss those matters in this thread. But we may discuss them in a more appropriate thread if you like. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
"I don't blame Roysie for being disappointed at such critiques. What help is it to receive a recital of the names of faults and things that are needed, with little or no explanation or guidance of the reasons, background, and substance thereof, and help and means of how to do as is suggested?" I don't know you Essorant at all, but try looking up the responses Roysie has given to others when he first came here and after in open... and see if you can defend those statements considering his critiques and condemnations of the poets on here~~ that is all I have to say about the matter except before you defend someone who obviously doesn't want nor need defending, seek out the way they give and accept critiques themselves...and then you will understand the responses on here. p.s. he probably is enjoying the ruckus we are making over him as he has in the past to responses. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Ess Sorry you didn't like my critique because it was purely negative. It was nevertheless a critique, and as has been frequently pointed out to me here, this is not a teaching forum. Having said that, you probably know I love to try and make suggestions for improvement too, I make them though when I have a least some evidence that the recipient is going to take some notice. Everything about this particular poster suggests he is not. Best. M PS I agree with you though that nothing is to be gained by kicking posters like Roysie out of the forum or encouraging them to leave. People can always change their attitude, quit being rude, apologise and realise that we are all trying to improve and help each other. I live in hope. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Yeah, it's legitimate. But I'm curious, what were you trying to accomplish with this poem? quote: forced rhyme -- thief/grief erratic meter: uPON DEAF EARS in that GOOD NIGHT and Even if he WAS a THIEF --certainly debatable but that's how I read it. non-existent punctuation: obvious vague: see above Now, I for one love good doggerel, but it doesn't seem like you've made up your mind yet: a serious subject (death), rhyming couplets (usually not seen as invoking seriousness), theological debates (becoming cherabim?), an extremely loose meter at best etc. etc. How do you want this to be seen? If you're not sure, then perhaps that's part of the problem? |
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