navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » They Don’t Come Back
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic They Don’t Come Back Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58


0 posted 2007-08-14 09:27 PM



They don’t come back,
except as ghosts
to haunt the frame of your bedroom doorway
and leave cold creases in the pillow next to you.

You’ll find their pens in your dryer
and their berets between the cushions
of the living room sofa.
They’ll hide their tattered pictures
in your sock drawer
next to that old ticket stub,
faint scent of popcorn still clinging.

And when you doze off on the couch
on Sunday afternoon
they’ll whisper through commercials
to remind you their favorite show
starts at eight-thirty.

Sometimes they’ll leave you signs
in weekend horoscopes.
Or write to you in secret codes
buried deep in the relationship advice pages
in the newspaper.

And when cleaning out your car
they’re notorious
for hiding crumpled drive-thru napkins
in the glove-compartment box.
And burying their scratched compact discs
In the trunk.

No, they don't come back
except to purse their lips
and blow their names through
lonely autumn breezes.


© Copyright 2007 guyoverthere - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

1 posted 2007-08-14 09:44 PM


The best so far.

Just want to caution you not to post too many poems at one time. Give people a chance to read, reflect and comment. Your work is worthy of a full critique and that takes time. Be patient.

guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58

2 posted 2007-08-15 12:02 PM


Thank you for the advice.  It's just that I have sooooo many and I've never shared before and it feels good to finally show someone (even if you guys are all anonymous).  Well, I'll let these sit for awhile and refrain from posting for a bit.  Thanks Jennifer.
JenniferMaxwell
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

3 posted 2007-08-15 06:33 AM


And I’m really glad you’re sharing your wonderful poems, guy. Loved this one!

Just a suggestion - Bronzeage (Roger)has very graciously offered to read and critique our work. Perhaps you might like to contact him by email and work on a few with him while the rest of us catch up on our reading here in the forum?  I know you’re new, so just in case you’re not sure how to reach him by email I’ll give you directions. Go to the Son of Mentoring thread. At the top of the box where Bronzeage posted you’ll see a few icons. Click on the little envelope icon and that will open a window that will allow you to send him an email.  Hope that helps.


blister
Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18
here, elsewhere
4 posted 2007-08-17 02:01 AM


This is my favorite of yours, I think. You've been my favorite poet to read the last few days. You're writing has that very personal hint of obscurity that I just love to see.

-mr. blister

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

5 posted 2007-08-17 07:11 AM


Guy

There is an awful lot to like about this.  It's a simple poem, nothing fancy, no complicated words, no grand universal ideas, just a series of little images which however tap into something which affects everyone deeply at some point in their lives - the loss of love.  The poem is an object lesson in what I've tried to say in this forum a few times, viz, the effectiveness of writing from everyday experience, detailing small incidents and objects.

It succeeds for me principally because you've managed to engender and maintain a tone, the expectation of which is set up by the seventh word of the poem.  It has a gentle non-solidity about it which, given the concreteness and plausibility of the imagery, is a good lesson for beginners in how to write without being tediously abstract, and yet create an aura which pulls against the prosaic.

After several readings I realised I was stumbling at S4L4.  The phrase "relationship advice pages" simply shatters the lulling effect of the previous three strophes, as being far to complex linguistically and far too worldly and bureaucratic.  Also "in the newspaper" may be redundant.

You need to check S5, which ends in a sentence fragment, and repunctuate.  "In" has been mysteriously capitalized too.

The only part I am doubtful about is the closing strophe.  The problem is I love the "purse their lips and blow" with its connotations of blown kisses, yet with the tension of the slight disapproval of pursed lips hanging there too.  What I do not like much are the lonely autumn breezes which is the only place the poem seems to me to descend towards over-sentimentalism.  It all comes off as a little too pat, even trite, at the end of such a nice piece.

Even so.  Good stuff.

Thanks.

M

guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58

6 posted 2007-08-17 10:31 AM


Yeah, I noticed that the 'relationship advice pages' line throws things off a bit.  It's nice to have it confirmed.  I need a new way to say it.  Any suggestions?

I agree with you on the closing lines.  Purse their lips and blow their names is something I'm fond of and would rather not let go.  'Gentle autumn breezes' should be scratched'

Before I posted it, it originally read.

No they don't come back
Except to rustle yellow leaves
As they purse their lips and blow
their names through gentle breezes

But I didn't like the near rhyme so I changed it.  Maybe change it back?

sampo
Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54
oz
7 posted 2007-08-17 10:57 AM


No, don't change it back.

Gentle breezes is far lesser then
what you have, though I agree the ending
doesn't quite sell it. Almost though.

It's an excellent poem.
Best on the page.
All the descriptions you've used
are very relatable, and the presentation works for the most part.
(punctuation, strophes and line-breaks.)

My concerns were the same as Moonbeams,
specifically the relationship line.
It reads long, but it is an important
element. Can't think of any alternatives
at the moment though. And in that same
strophe you might look over
the 'in' and 'in the' repetitions.

Also, I think you can drop 'box.'

That's it for now.
I'll come back to this one.

Regards,

sampo.

guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58

8 posted 2007-08-17 12:27 PM


Thank you Sampo for the comments.  By the way, I read 'Entropy' and loved it.  If you've noticed, I commented on it over at the free for all.  I think it may be a tad over my head but I still like it.

Now, on to heeding the good advice offered above.  I've made this change to the 'relationship' line:

Or write to you in secret codes
buried deep inside the columns
offering relationship advice

??

Also, for the ending, I've pretty much scratched the whole thing and have rewritten it entirely:

No, they don't come back.
Except to nudge you closer
to October shores.
As they purse their lips
and blow thier names
through seagulls calls
and autumn breezes.

Whatcha think?  Comments?  

sampo
Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54
oz
9 posted 2007-08-17 01:06 PM


Yes. Improved that part by cutting some -

[Or write to you in secret codes
buried deep inside the columns
offering relationship advice]

Though I still stumble over
'relationship advice'
Has a soft/heavy awkward sound contrast.

Perhaps for alliteration purpose, eg. -
offering couples counseling.

As to the ending -

[No, they don't come back.
Except to nudge you closer
to October shores.
As they purse their lips
and blow thier names
through seagulls calls
and autumn breezes.]

Was October chosen purely for internals
with closer? Is there another relevance?
December may be more apt, implication
of the end of something, maybe.
Would cut 's' from seagull(s).

Perhaps you might consider the final strophe
maintaining the mundane aspects of home, car,
newspaper - the isolated, personal descriptions
instead of the transition
to the 'outside' world.

But this may well be your intent.

Again, hope this helps.

Regards,

sampo.

guyoverthere
Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58

10 posted 2007-08-17 04:17 PM


That is why I like this place.  
Sampo, your eye is sharp.  I should find a way to keep it 'around the house' in the closing.  'October shores was chosen purely in an effort to 'take it outside' but the month was chosen in trying to keep with the tone of the rest of the poem.  I was trying to offer a little hope but I didn't want the poem to jump up and down with excitement.  
As for the 'relationship advice' I'm working on it.  Relationship is a tough word, hard on the tongue.  I'll figure out some other way to better articulate what I mean.
Thanks for all the help.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » They Don’t Come Back

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary