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Critical Analysis #2
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They Don’t Come Back
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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They Don’t Come Back |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
They don’t come back, except as ghosts to haunt the frame of your bedroom doorway and leave cold creases in the pillow next to you. You’ll find their pens in your dryer and their berets between the cushions of the living room sofa. They’ll hide their tattered pictures in your sock drawer next to that old ticket stub, faint scent of popcorn still clinging. And when you doze off on the couch on Sunday afternoon they’ll whisper through commercials to remind you their favorite show starts at eight-thirty. Sometimes they’ll leave you signs in weekend horoscopes. Or write to you in secret codes buried deep in the relationship advice pages in the newspaper. And when cleaning out your car they’re notorious for hiding crumpled drive-thru napkins in the glove-compartment box. And burying their scratched compact discs In the trunk. No, they don't come back except to purse their lips and blow their names through lonely autumn breezes. |
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| © Copyright 2007 guyoverthere - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The best so far.  Just want to caution you not to post too many poems at one time. Give people a chance to read, reflect and comment. Your work is worthy of a full critique and that takes time. Be patient. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Thank you for the advice. It's just that I have sooooo many and I've never shared before and it feels good to finally show someone (even if you guys are all anonymous). Well, I'll let these sit for awhile and refrain from posting for a bit. Thanks Jennifer. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
And I’m really glad you’re sharing your wonderful poems, guy. Loved this one! Just a suggestion - Bronzeage (Roger)has very graciously offered to read and critique our work. Perhaps you might like to contact him by email and work on a few with him while the rest of us catch up on our reading here in the forum? I know you’re new, so just in case you’re not sure how to reach him by email I’ll give you directions. Go to the Son of Mentoring thread. At the top of the box where Bronzeage posted you’ll see a few icons. Click on the little envelope icon and that will open a window that will allow you to send him an email. Hope that helps. |
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
This is my favorite of yours, I think. You've been my favorite poet to read the last few days. You're writing has that very personal hint of obscurity that I just love to see. -mr. blister |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Guy There is an awful lot to like about this. It's a simple poem, nothing fancy, no complicated words, no grand universal ideas, just a series of little images which however tap into something which affects everyone deeply at some point in their lives - the loss of love. The poem is an object lesson in what I've tried to say in this forum a few times, viz, the effectiveness of writing from everyday experience, detailing small incidents and objects. It succeeds for me principally because you've managed to engender and maintain a tone, the expectation of which is set up by the seventh word of the poem. It has a gentle non-solidity about it which, given the concreteness and plausibility of the imagery, is a good lesson for beginners in how to write without being tediously abstract, and yet create an aura which pulls against the prosaic. After several readings I realised I was stumbling at S4L4. The phrase "relationship advice pages" simply shatters the lulling effect of the previous three strophes, as being far to complex linguistically and far too worldly and bureaucratic. Also "in the newspaper" may be redundant. You need to check S5, which ends in a sentence fragment, and repunctuate. "In" has been mysteriously capitalized too. The only part I am doubtful about is the closing strophe. The problem is I love the "purse their lips and blow" with its connotations of blown kisses, yet with the tension of the slight disapproval of pursed lips hanging there too. What I do not like much are the lonely autumn breezes which is the only place the poem seems to me to descend towards over-sentimentalism. It all comes off as a little too pat, even trite, at the end of such a nice piece. Even so. Good stuff. Thanks. M |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Yeah, I noticed that the 'relationship advice pages' line throws things off a bit. It's nice to have it confirmed. I need a new way to say it. Any suggestions? I agree with you on the closing lines. Purse their lips and blow their names is something I'm fond of and would rather not let go. 'Gentle autumn breezes' should be scratched' Before I posted it, it originally read. No they don't come back Except to rustle yellow leaves As they purse their lips and blow their names through gentle breezes But I didn't like the near rhyme so I changed it. Maybe change it back? |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
No, don't change it back. Gentle breezes is far lesser then what you have, though I agree the ending doesn't quite sell it. Almost though. It's an excellent poem. Best on the page. All the descriptions you've used are very relatable, and the presentation works for the most part. (punctuation, strophes and line-breaks.) My concerns were the same as Moonbeams, specifically the relationship line. It reads long, but it is an important element. Can't think of any alternatives at the moment though. And in that same strophe you might look over the 'in' and 'in the' repetitions. Also, I think you can drop 'box.' That's it for now. I'll come back to this one. Regards, sampo. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Thank you Sampo for the comments. By the way, I read 'Entropy' and loved it. If you've noticed, I commented on it over at the free for all. I think it may be a tad over my head but I still like it. Now, on to heeding the good advice offered above. I've made this change to the 'relationship' line: Or write to you in secret codes buried deep inside the columns offering relationship advice ?? Also, for the ending, I've pretty much scratched the whole thing and have rewritten it entirely: No, they don't come back. Except to nudge you closer to October shores. As they purse their lips and blow thier names through seagulls calls and autumn breezes. Whatcha think? Comments? |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Yes. Improved that part by cutting some - [Or write to you in secret codes buried deep inside the columns offering relationship advice] Though I still stumble over 'relationship advice' Has a soft/heavy awkward sound contrast. Perhaps for alliteration purpose, eg. - offering couples counseling. As to the ending - [No, they don't come back. Except to nudge you closer to October shores. As they purse their lips and blow thier names through seagulls calls and autumn breezes.] Was October chosen purely for internals with closer? Is there another relevance? December may be more apt, implication of the end of something, maybe. Would cut 's' from seagull(s). Perhaps you might consider the final strophe maintaining the mundane aspects of home, car, newspaper - the isolated, personal descriptions instead of the transition to the 'outside' world. But this may well be your intent. Again, hope this helps. Regards, sampo. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
That is why I like this place. Sampo, your eye is sharp. I should find a way to keep it 'around the house' in the closing. 'October shores was chosen purely in an effort to 'take it outside' but the month was chosen in trying to keep with the tone of the rest of the poem. I was trying to offer a little hope but I didn't want the poem to jump up and down with excitement. As for the 'relationship advice' I'm working on it. Relationship is a tough word, hard on the tongue. I'll figure out some other way to better articulate what I mean. Thanks for all the help. |
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