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Critical Analysis #2
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Ablutions
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ablutions |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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These cold stones were wrought as this: they pattern, prettily the eye. As such, they prove hypothesis-- the antithetic paradigm. Order, as innerviate ("art" is so inconsequent) I roll my eyes, a pair of dice. "The word" as wisdom and the price for comfort - it's the sacrifice paid so that I can sleep nights. Rows of marble hewn to ease the heavy foot of gravity compounded by complexity: symbolic - commonality. We plant each other like we're...seed. As if redemption were tidy. The very meat of us denied the scavengers which feed on truth. Grief is a corpse upon the backs of those who trespass on the suits of memory rolled in the sweet herbs and linens we decree in the stead of loving arms-- and rosaries are clenched in stiff hands to keep ridiculous superstitious thoughts of "harm" that plague us only in the flesh... plastic flowered words unsaid watered by the rivulets pouring without cease from eyes and the pounding judge of mind without mercy, justified, as finally we live the now in envy, awe, and fear of death. * * * And I know, I know, I don't participate in here alot, but I'm not really all that comfortable critiquing. But I'd like some help with this one--I'm a little frustrated right now--I actually worked on this one for a change, and the responses I got in Open were tepid at best--so I figger I've done something wrong here. Is it too depressing? Does the title suck? Is my symbolism cliche'? Would this subject be more suited for form poetry--wince--or should I just stick to writing stream of conscious two minute poems?  "Help!!!" Help me out, folks.  |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Wow that's good But I had to read it a number of times. You're making people work for it...and most are lazy. It's instant gratification they crave these days. Also most people have no idea whatsoever what you're talking about..and that's a real audience limiter. The rituals fascinate me as well though. Here's something in the same vein I scribbled after a service: Funeral Quiet for we entertain the dead and flowers have been set By the corpse for all to see As he awaits eternity Kith and kin they all attend As many cry and some pretend And feign remorse a loving pose Tears trickle down on fancy clothes Praise is showered left and right Upon deaf ears in that good night And even if he was a thief The theme today is one of grief The ghouls are waiting in the wings Unholy tasks and sharpened things They wield them to prepare the way And make the bed in which we'll lay So carry on with your affairs And hasten not to climb the stairs For you and I and he and him Will soon enough be cherubim Of course this is the other end of the spectrum. I hesitate to criticize someone with your command of the language. So let me leave it at that for now. You know I glanced at this earlier and maybe was a little intimidated until I read your addendum. Regards Roy |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh, wow. Now y'see? Your poem is indeed accessible, and tsk to me, too--I don't generally like to use "biggie show-off" type vocabulary, and I do believe I did bite myself in the butt with that opening stanza. I do write emotionally, though, and I was striving for distance in stanza one, but I didn't mean to distance the reader right off the page! I was hoping for this to begin with a cold and matter-of-fact viewpoint, to mimic the typical "on guard" stance of a mourner, and I was striving for a slow evolution into the angst. (Normally I just knock people over the heads--smile--so much for Karen trying to be subtle, I guess.) Thanks for the input, Roy! Know I'll be thinking on it. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Ma'am... I'm not one to be overly critical at all.. especially when it comes to someone who writes with as much passion and feeling as you do... personally... other than the fact the vocabulary may indeed be over the head of most, I'm not sure why it did not garner as many responses as you might expect... I will offer however... that the distance you put into the poem as purpose is also what leaves it to some degree a statement of philosophy divorced from the emotions of the subject, except..in the subtle way such philosophy, even of of the moment does reveal an emotional reason for the thoughts. it is well done.... very well done in my humble opinon... but not likely to be one the mass will grasp and take to heart as might they have if they felt the contrast of emotional energy and the somewhat distanced philosophy, even though.... you paint how many of us in life do experience such events... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks Cap-- your astute commentary is helpful too--because I realize now, I was trying to write "emotional divorcement" emotionally--and shaking my head, now that IS a problem, isn't it? *exhale* okay...thinking, thinking... I always hate having to explain what I was trying to relate--because doing so is acknowledgement that I failed. But thank you--I think I can do this better--but I am happy that you got the emotional divorcement thing--as that is exactly what happens, and yes, I'd like to write this better to express a more hopeful viewpoint of emotional engagement--just not as my usual slam, but as the "process". (I've got to keep, hope. Don't have a damned thing without that.) Thanks. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Karen I like the way you think, and speak lol. You make such a good point in the piece about how we ritualize and clinicalize if you will a natural and inevitable part of life. It's a bit like writing isn't it. We have to distance ourselves from the emotion and yet without the emotion we fall flat. I suppose like so much in life it's a balancing act. Although in many societies people do wail and hold the corpse and goodness knows what. Which opens up a whole new thought provoking area of discussion! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
ma'am... most respectfully... a few line addition to the existing piece may well do what you want.... an ending... still the divorced mind and set aside the ways we hide Still... I cry |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'll keep that in consideration--but you do know, I'm the girl in art class who refused to sign my sketches if the teacher so much as lifted a single shadow from my charcoals with the kneadable eraser... Still stubborn, too. But I appreciate the offer. thank you |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
not offering anything ma'am.. but an idea on how you might think about adding your own shadows as you see fit... my pore words would not at all end your poem.. the langauage is wrong, the form is wrong... * chuckling* be stubborn....I always rather liked that in you... now..another possible solution to what you want to achieve might be in the way you set the poem up... a line or two.. to show the divorcing of yourself...then the thoughts.. but... ms Stubborn as sun dried gator skin knots... the number of ways you can achieve what you say you want is umerous... and far be it from me.. truly.. to tell YOU how to fix a poem.. I've always wanted to have your skill with words... |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
I'm the guy in art class who was told by the teacher I should take music. I showed him...but look where an extra english got me! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Trust my appreciation is sincere, of your critique and your poetry. I meant no insult--I like to think I am open to suggestion, but perhaps sometimes I really am too close-minded. As you know, I write very personally, and I try to take my own experiences and offer them up to explore emotion as both individual, and yet "universal." Kinda like those stones in my graveyard-- "the antithetic paradigm" I do appreciate the tidiness of your ending though, and maybe I don't yet have the closure of the subject to appreciate it. But I'll let you know if I get there. And grins at Roy: I'm the singer who was made a listener because I sang, not off-key, but too loud. *Karen collapses herself laughing* (<--see Jim, third person--and I swear I am working on that too!)  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
no offense taken nor was anything you said taken as an insult in any way... Ma'am... I was genuinely amused by your stubborn nature and the art teacher story... you will do as you know best with the piece and no matter what device you use or if you leave it as is, it will be yours and it will be/is... very good. |
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