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guyoverthere
Member

since 2007-08-12

Posts 58

0 posted 2007-08-12 09:41 PM

Upon closer inspection
The image is just a little
Disconcerting

The reflection seems
Jaundiced
Gaunt
Just a trace of sadness
In those uneasy cheeks

There is a silent honesty
In mirrors
That betrays the many truths
We so desperately strive
To conceal

With clothes
And gadgets
With accessories
And makeup

An honesty
Tucked away like old photographs
Behind the pupils

guyoverthere
Member

since 2007-08-12

Posts 58

1 posted 2007-08-12 09:43 PM

I'm new here, this is my first post and, while I write often, I'm not sure what to make of it. Critique is welcome and I take it well. Thanks.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2007-08-12 11:49 PM

Your title is a good example of what you should do with the rest of the poem. Give up more detail -- especially something like this that depends on detail to create the tension between the two aspects of viewing.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

3 posted 2007-08-13 11:21 AM

I agree with brad there. Very good poem but a little something more here and there that would make me SEE and FEEL...

...would make it flawless.

(the message conveyed is a good one, i liked that a lot.)

Valedictions,

-paul

Roysie
Member

since 2007-08-05

Posts 102
Canada

4 posted 2007-08-13 01:07 PM

A silent honesty in mirrors. There certainly is and that line alone gets a rave from me. You could have fleshed it out a bit more but hey it's very good.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-08-13 06:50 PM

What I enjoyed about this one was the fact that I could see you look in the mirror. Look away and then look again. Little glances that came through for me. Very nice work. But yet....Punctuation. AND you don't have to capitalize the first word of every line.

Welcome.

Dane

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

6 posted 2007-08-13 08:02 PM

I am not good at critiquing, but other than capping too much, I got your message and felt it didn't need more, because I AM that person looking in the mirror~~

I do think you could come up with a better title though..I almost was afraid to read this to find out what I was going to "see " in the bathroom

enjoyed
M

guyoverthere
Member

since 2007-08-12

Posts 58

7 posted 2007-08-14 08:47 PM

A Revision:

Upon closer inspection
the image is just a little
disconcerting.

The reflection seems
jaundiced,
gaunt, with
just a trace of sadness
in those uneasy cheeks.

There is a silent honesty
in mirrors
that betrays the many truths
we so desperately strive
to conceal

with clothes
and gadgets,
accessories
and makeup.

But they will always be there;
tucked away behind the pupils
like old photographs.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

8 posted 2007-08-14 09:06 PM

Just curious as to why you switched the last two lines in your revision. There was element of surprise the way you had them in your first draft, at least for me.

This is really a very good start, and a very good first post, but as others have mentioned, it does seems to need a little more. Hope you'll stay with it for a while.

And welcome to CA!

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

9 posted 2007-08-15 06:47 PM

change "and gadgets " to "with gadgets."

THAT is merely personal opinion. i love the revision otherwise.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

10 posted 2007-08-15 06:54 PM

I know I'm not supposed to come in here to just say "yay", but I liked your revision as well.

The only thing I could find that wasn't to my taste was the capitalization of each sentence--and I have to confess I'm probably ignorant of any "rule" regarding such. Capitalization just draws emphasis to my mind--and I thought it unnecessary. (Just a quibble, though)

But I am here to learn, just like you.

I did enjoy your write, and if I can say so, this is a subject that has been done--alot--but your rendering made it fresh.

guyoverthere
Member

since 2007-08-12

Posts 58

11 posted 2007-08-15 11:09 PM

Thanks Viking. I appreciate your eye. I reread it with your suggestion and liked it as well.

Serenity, thanks for checking it out. I don't know what the rules of poetry are either (I only went to college two years) but I'm learning. I read alot though. Nazim Hikmet, Dudley Randall, David Ignatow, Eileann Corrigan are some of my favs. I also like Billy Collins. (is it lame to admit that?)

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