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Thunder.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Thunder. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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There’s a chance that you could Sing away the rain And fight off the burdens Placed on a sorry soul Moaning and crying For help from a god That hates to forsake Though at times Sees it fit I fear that you cannot Will not Fight away these burdens Sing away the delicate throbbing clouds of ache I fear that you will only add Trashcan thunder And flashlight lightning To what I must believe Is my own Delicate rain. (Credit to Sparrow by lifeonly on here for inspiring me with the beginning two lines.) |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It seems to hit its stride on the third strophe and then ends. A rushed rough draft? Maybe try longer lines? |
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Caps at the beginning of each line always make for a difficult read. The reader's mind tries to start a new sentence when it sees a cap and then has to go back and reread the previous line to make sense of it. Puntuation and line breaks guide the reader to see the as it was intended to be read. "There’s a chance that you could Sing away the rain And fight off the burdens Placed on a sorry soul Moaning and crying For help from a god That hates to forsake Though at times Sees it fit" This is good word play. "hates to forsake" speaks very well. "I fear that you cannot Will not Fight away these burdens Sing away the delicate throbbing clouds of ache" Anytime you see the word "that" in a sentence, take it out and read it again. "That" usually clutters up a sentence and adds nothing to the meaning. "I fear that you will only add Trashcan thunder And flashlight lightning To what I must believe" Is my own Delicate rain. "trashcan thunder and flashlight lightning" are very good images and fit the theme of the poem. A poem always benefits from well chosen metaphors. Its not clear "what you must believe" or how they add to it. The meaning of this part is fuzzy, dispite the vivid metaphor. You use "delicate" twice in the poem. This lessens the power of the "burdens on a sorry soul" This form is called a simple address. The speaker is talking directly to the reader. In this case, the reader is part of the drama and is being chastised for interfering. You need images along the lines of "trashcan thunder" to show what the burdens are or what caused them as well to show the reader what sort of offense they have committed in trying to help. Type II poet. Its worth the work. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Brad- Thanks. It is the first draft. Bronzeage- Thank you very much for a detailed critique. I will take all of that into definite consideration. I would feel extremely awkward taking "that" out, though. I don't know why? Ha! Thanks again! |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
A lot of heart and deeply felt emotions in your poem, viking. To me the opening and closing lines sing above the rest. Look forward to reading more of your work. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
There’s a chance that you could sing away the rain and fight off the burdens placed on a sorry soul, moaning and crying for help from a god that hates to forsake, though at times sees it fit. I fear that you cannot, will not fight away these burdens, nor sing away the delicate throbbing clouds of ache. I fear that you will only add trashcan thunder and flashlight lightning to what I must believe is my own delicate rain. just rearranging a few lines to make them longer and read smoother  M |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Honestly, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I'd apprecciate even more... Anyone? |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
We have a similiar style, so I naturally liked it very much. Loved 'flashlight lightning' and 'trashcan thunder', lol, kinda jealous I'd never thought of that. I think Brad was right about the 'that' statement. Also, sometimes you can change 'that' to another, more befitting word like 'who'. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Oops, not brad but bronzeage. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thanks very much. I will be revising this soon. Any more suggestions, please? |
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
The problem with "that" in poetry is more often the sound than the grammar. Sometimes it is out of place and adds no meaning. Sometimes, "which" or "who" is the correct usage. In this case the line: "I fear that you cannot" reads much smoother as "I fear you cannot" |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
The way I intended that to sound was: I fear that you cannot will not Is that still an atrocity in our humble opinions? I will play with all of the suggestions made and take the best sounding breed. In the meantime, any more yet? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
There’s a chance that you could sing away the rain fight off the burdens placed on a sorry soul moaning and crying for help from a god that hates to forsake though at times sees it fit I fear you cannot, will not fight away these burdens nor sing away the delicately throbbing clouds of ache I fear that you will only add trashcan thunder and flashlight lightning to what I must believe Is my own delicate rain. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I liked your first a little better. In the first, just change: From a god that... to From a god who... and I think you have yourself a hum dinger. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
There is nothing wrong with "that" as the relative pronoun. There are examples of "that" being used as the relative pronoun all the way back to Old English when "who" was only used interrogatively. "That" is used throughout Middle English too, as well as "which" or "the which". |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
guy over there: Agreed. |
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