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viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-07-10 12:43 PM

I try to look in your eyes,
But they’re buried in a cell phone.
Stuck beneath the glass
The liquid crystal

With the sharpest points
Of interest
Pointed everywhere but here,
Inside of me

And the small amount of words
Transferred megabit
By megabyte
Roast me over a pixilated flame, oh so slowly

As you laugh at his
Interesting (the hell it is…) sense of humor
Long brown hair
And scuplturesque forearms

I’ll be waiting
Ready to love you
From behind
The steering wheel

Of my crappy car.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

1 posted 2007-07-10 12:58 PM

You tell an interesting story in the space of a few lines.  If I am not mistaken, you sighted a good looking lass from "behind the wheel of your crappy car", yes?  Relateable.  I guess, despite my previous comment, this piece could stand to be a bit longer...for me, at least, it left me wanting more.

And the small amount of words
Transferred megabit
By megabyte
Roast me over a pixilated flame, oh so slowly

As you laugh at his
Interesting (the hell it is…) sense of humor
Long brown hair
And scuplturesque forearms

In these two stanzas, the rhythm somewhat falters.  Try condensing them.

Overall, a good piece.  Kudos.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2007-07-11 01:25 AM

Don't use megabyte. It's kilobyte. Smaller transmission leads to smaller realization. Honestly, you phone can't accept any larger than that.

Dane

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

3 posted 2007-07-11 11:40 AM

Condensing and maybe combining 3 and 4 might give a bit more punch to the closing? Enjoyed this very much - short, maybe, but very effective.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

4 posted 2007-07-17 05:08 PM

Thank you all.

I think that the factuality of megabyte vs kilobyte, really doesn't matter.

But other than that, thank you all very much.

Valedictions,

-Paul

e-ReK
Junior Member

since 2007-07-20

Posts 15

5 posted 2007-07-20 02:30 AM

i really enjoyed this... i get a "hopeless romantic" vibe out of this, as if the person he/she is courting is 1 call away but seemingly uninterested. i enjoyed the way you broke down the phone and its components to describe the situation.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

6 posted 2007-07-25 02:07 AM

Thanks!

Valedictions,

-Paul

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

7 posted 2007-08-01 12:52 PM

To be honest it is a jealous poem. She was talking to someone else, and she happens to be MY beautiful lass.

Thank you all, very much. Any more? All are welcome!

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