Critical Analysis #2 |
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Rosebud is Fallen |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA ![]() |
Rosebud is fallen Citizen Cane nods Exiled in Xanadu The time of singing is past The voice of the turtledove Is not heard in our land Yet broken hearts may dare To hope and pine But the lost soul and contrite Spirit are not the same Like Christ and Belial One is made sacrifice The other shame For when the lonesome mould Like a millstone is cast And there are no more bonds To keep or sever Regret becomes forever Undying fiery worms and such Can dissipate and some May find relief thereby But a loss of love divine Always makes true lovers cry And perhaps no hell is worse Than having two eyes Forever dry [This message has been edited by Stephanos (07-23-2007 06:33 PM).] |
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© Copyright 2007 Stephen Douglas Jones - All Rights Reserved | |||
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'For when the lonesome mould Like a millstone is cast And there are no more bonds To keep or sever Regret becomes forever' I really liked these lines, Stephen, as well as your title/beginning. My biggest issue is one of personal taste... I'm not big on capitalizing every line... and without any sort of punctuation or stanza breaks, i had a hard time telling where one thought began and another ended. But maybe you intended that? Hope this helped. |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Yeah, Hush, I've always had a hard time deciding whether or not to Cap every line and use punctuation. This is not necessarily finalized, so I'll consider what you say. Thanks for the comments, Stephen. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Capping the beginnings of lines in the old traditional way works better in poems with set metrical patterns which this does not possess. You have some good lines in this piece but it would read better set in a more free form pattern. There are too many short lines which chops your thoughts excessively, and as Hush has noted, makes for difficult reading, sans punctuation. But this has enough of a natural cadence to it that you should consider at least doubling the lengths of lines so that each can be read in about the space of a natural breath. There may be however a line or two that you really want to focus on, in which case leaving it short would help to draw attention to it. Sid |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Sid, thanks. Could you demonstrate what you mean by making the lines longer? Feel free to rewrite my poem. I am open to collaboration. Oh, and about the caps, I agree. They're a goner. Stephen |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Stephen, I simply meant to, more or less, combine the first two lines into one; the next two into your second line, etc. Though I didn't necessarily mean they should be of equal length. They just shouldn't all be so short. It wouldn't do any good for me to attempt to rewrite it, since you already have a better grasp of the imagery you are attempting to convey. You're the one who needs to work on crafting the order of words so that they speak in the best possible way. Take your time. Don't feel you need to finish it for this forum. Sid |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
How does everyone else feel about short lines? Just curious. Stephen |
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Line length is a matter of style and taste. Short clipped lines often make a jagged read. When meter is not an issue, I try to never break an image into two lines and carefully use punctuation to guide the rhythm of the read. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Stephanos, I like this. The only thing that didn't work for me were the references to Citizen Cane (should that be Citizen Kane?). I thought it gave a modern and popculturish aspect to the poem, that just didn't seem to fit in place with the manner of the other references and the religious depth of the sentiment. I think it certainly deserves good punctuation. You would never cut out punctuation from prose, why would you in poetry? More structure and special attributes, such as consistent meter and rhyme, may bring it out much more poetically. All line-lengths work better with better poetic structure. Hope that helps a bit. Good to see you in CA ![]() |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Ess, thanks. Actually I meant to write "Citizen Cain", blending a modern story with an ancient one (now you probably catch the allusion in the word "nod"). It's a matter of opinion of course, but due to the depth of Wells' movie (and the subject matter) I thought it was appropriate. Also I think it communicates the fact that the story of redemption is not ancient but modern as well. And as to rhyme and meter, I usually write that way, and am trying to expand my ability to write free verse. Stephen. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Do you want anything changed? The line length isn't the problem. The problem is that the first few lines aren't enjambed as opposed to the rest of the poem. It feels like a first draft in that you didn't get into your 'groove' until later. "I touch the fire and it freezes me" --Buffy |
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Stephanos![]()
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Brad, How could I keep the imagry of Citizen Cain / exile / and have better "enjambment"? I'm open to suggestions. I agree that the poem seems to flow better as it proceeds. Thanks everyone, BTW, for the input. Stephen |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Freeverse and enjambment are two vices I recommend avoiding as much as possible. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Vices?!! I'd call these quite appropriate Devices, in the proper hands. One needn't fear them. Sid |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
One leaves poetry as not much more than prose with line breaks, and the other clutters it up with awkward jerks and pauses, splitting important grammatical groups, putting periods in the middle of lines, ending a line with a word like "and" et cetera. Seldom seldom do I find these work, unless they are minimilized and used as carefully and discreetly as possible. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
As I stated: "...in the proper hands." Good free form takes lots of practice, as does good poetry. And before altogether dismissing enjambment, I would be inclined to study the observation made in Bob's Byway: "Sidelight: This run-on device, contrasted with end-stopped, can be very effective in creating a sense of forward motion, fine-tuning the rhythm, and reinforcing the mood, as well as a variation to avoid monotony, but should not be used as a mere mannerism." Sid |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Essorant, quote: End stops and enjambment. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I still think the virtue is using it minimally and discreetly. I find the flow, even in some of those examples above, to become weaker with enjambment, and more specifically when the enjambment is very noticeable. Sometimes I think the enjambment may be done in less noticeable ways, which may help it read more smoothly, especially when meter and rhyme are helping too. |
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