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Garden of Light
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Garden of Light |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
Garden of needles bloom and stab native vegetation. Light rays reflect off metallic structures squinting gray eyes of guilty bystanders as they collapse, fertilizing innocent soil. Keen edges breach the earth rising to the face of man to sew chapped lips. Muffled voices impair responses to my questions as I sprint above the surface of sharp edges. No sin to weigh my body down to a porous sponge. Floating alone, the needles grow and warp, upholstering th earth apart, cross-stitching breathing bodies into a fantastic quilt. Nothing strong enough to cut through roots that strangle the core. The world seizes it's rotation; blinding other worlds. -J |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jara - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Your critique message says “Give me your worst”. Not going to do that but I am going to give you my honest opinion. If this were my poem I’d chuck everything except the line “no sin to weigh my body down” and start over. It’s a great line so I might start the poem with that and then go on with what I had to say using the same meter. I'd keep it simple, build it slowly, stay focused and try not to bombard the reader with too many abstract images or metaphors. Try writing what you want to say in prose first and then rework each line into poetry. No giant leaps, just minor changes to make it a bit more “poetic”. Best of luck to you and keep writing. |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
I completely understand the bombardment of metaphors, but I don't understand why you think the concrete images aren't a good way to explain an idea. -J |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I don't recall I said anything at all about concrete images. |
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