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Critical Analysis #2
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The Cuckold's Soliloquy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Cuckold's Soliloquy |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
The Cuckold’s Soliloquy Was’t not enough that you should cheat me once? What were our tears and nights of anguish for? In foolishness, I thought we’d reconciled, But yet again you’ve found another’s bed. Sweet Caroline, I give you what I have Though it is clearly not enough. There is No more that I can offer. You have My love. If it is not enough, then leave Me now! Yet, keep me still, if not In heart, then memory. Remember love I singly proffered. And if you find enough, Then tell me what it is, this satisfaction My love could not prove. And I will study On it. If love should rack my heart again, I need to know enough to love sustain. This is about iambics. Inviting comments on form, and, if anyone's game, "Caroline's" answer. Best, Jim |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jim Aitken - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I'm probably going to regret this but I simply couldn't resist. Sweet Caroline's Response When what you can is once a month, then dear it’s clearly not enough. And if your love can’t be sustained for more than seven minutes, believe me, Jack, I kid you not, there is no satisfaction! Your silly talk of anguish and betrayal’s really quite pretentious if one stops to ponder on the fact this Sweet Caroline is just your current favorite mistress. Proffer this and study that as you wish my dear, all you have to offer me is the chance to play a second fiddle. But now that I’ve been tuned by a maestro’s hands, you can take your rosined bow back home and stick it! |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Jennifer! Absolutely delightful! You're a stitch! Best, Jim  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
If you would look at this as a series of stanzas and write it out that way, it might help, even if you still decide afterwards to lay it all out as you have. But, that is how I will usually rearrange a write, in order to critique. It helps in finding the uneven patterns which stand out right away. The first thing that trips the mind is that contraction of a contraction you chose in S1. A poor beginning right off. If it's a mistake, that's one thing. But it comes off as a contortion of sorts to suit your iambic objectives. The line lengths have some irregularities, beginning with the first, which is 6 metric feet--even given the contracted contraction. Most of the others are 5 feet long and iambically sound as it were, except: In L7, which is 4 feet, there is a bump at the words "…offer. And… " causes it to become dactylic. It could be corrected slightly by wording it something like, "…offer. For, you have…" L9 is 4 metric feet, but the meter is smooth enough to keep it from being too noticeable. You could leave it as is. The "And…" in L11 if eliminated would help smooth out the meter. It adds nothing anyway. L13 has a bump in meter which could be corrected with a little rewrite, such as saying it thusly: " which my love could never prove. I'll study whether love should rack my heart again..." I'm not a fan of inversions such as you have attempted in the final line, which is simply a distraction. If you were simply going for the rhyme, you should try something else, especially since you cause further distraction having used, "love" twice in the same sentence. The samplings of internal and off rhyme alone within the piece don't provoke interest enough for anyone looking for substance--having been placed, metrically in inconsistent patterns. But they may be worth developing. Whenever there is intentional enjambment throughout a piece, my preference is avoiding caps at every line's beginning. This is actually more for the reader's benefit than the poet's. It doesn't bother me as much with end-stopped verse though. Your syntax is not consistent throughout. Sid |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Sid! Thank you for your time and priceless comments. Best, Jim Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
The Maestro intervenes Peace both of you, and for a moment dwell upon the instrumental theme which brings such possibilities for harmony. The triangle, for instance, might if tapped produce a sap so sweet that Eros gapes, amazed at such rhythmic delight. Forte! allegro! then my sweets: tune up the strings and wind of your desire. And Caroline my mistress dear, my little piccolo, my harp, imagine my trombone extended, matching time to his french horn! Oh, how lithe would our glissando sweep. In triple time, and treble clef we'll swell our manly chords to slake the flaring trumpet of your lips. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Moonbeam! I really didn't think you could resist! I'm just hoping that "peace" is not the pun I think it is. Actually, I'm hoping that it is the pun I think it is! In deference to the sensitive, I refrain from commenting on tapping triangles. Nothing like da-Dums to bring out the verst in us. Or, I think, therefore iamb. Or: Something in my heart applauds When poets conversate with bawds. Aargh! Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (07-10-2007 05:12 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I don't mean to interrupt--I really have nothing new to add. I liked your poem, but Sid pretty much summed up the parts I had difficulty with, specifically, inversions. (I do them too, so, um, shrug...but even when I do them, I annoy myself as I find them a contrivance.) I just wanted to ask you--since I have been a "Caroline"--should the muse strike me--would you mind very much? I'm not sure if I can summon her up, but if it's okay, I'd be happier posting in Open. (I'm obviously not a regular in this particular forum, although I do find my favorites wherever they roam, I'd be happier posting where I contribute the most, and I'd welcome formal critique there as well.) And I have no idea if I will write anything or not, so no promises, k? I killed Caroline a long time ago. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi, SB -- sure, wail away! I don't look at Open, but I'd go there for you! Best, Jim! |
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